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WHY THEY COULDN’T AGREE.

BY JO KING.

 

 

For something like eleven years I‘ve been your
faithful wife;

The greatest part of all that time you've spent in
makingstrife;

I never gaVe a party, Jones, to honor both of us.

Butjust for pure convenience' sake you‘d raise a
mighty fuss.

If I would get a new silk dress to look respectable

And overl? [your neighbors‘ wives to cut a bigger
sm- ,

And get a bonnet that would dim all others in the

town,
All for the sake of honoring you, you know you’d
fret and frown.

If I would buy a carpet fine to ornament the room,

Although I sewed your buttons on, you’d straight
begin to fume;

And though I‘d let my own work go to darn your
stockings, Jones,

If I would buy a watch and chain there was thunder
in your tones.

I loved to wear the best of shawls to make you
proud of me,

And then the way you met my bills was horrible to
See.

When I would go to operas only to show you off—

For I was veg}?r proud of you—you’d always growl
and 800 .

You never thanked me yet for all that I have done
for on.

I‘ve labored all day long to learn piano pieces new;

l’ve Worked hard all the mornings just to put my
hair in style. . '

So you might joy to look at me, and show it With a
smile.

- I‘ve slaved myself for years for you, and then no

thanks I get;

Iwork on tidies all the day, rare poodle-dogs to
knit;

And hours I spend in ’broidering,and toil my life
away

In making waxwork leaves and flowers or marvels
in crochet.

I’ll die before my time has come, worn out by over-

wor ,
And for the sake of livingI must struggle like a
urk;
In victuals I economize and starve myself and you
To give unto the charity fairs as haughtier people
do

It is the hardest work a poor wife ever had to do,

Just for her husband’s sake to keep up with the
fashions new;

And if I_gidn‘t fix up fine you know what would be

3m :
I’d bring discredit on myself, and also on your
hea .

And yiet you just get up and growl at everything I
0.

There is no wife just like myself nor husband just
like you;

And this has got to stop now, Jones, or you will
shortly see

Some trouble in this camp, because we never can
agree.

 

Cast Away on Tiger Island.

A TALE OF THE INDIES.

BY WALTER A. BOSE.

“ KER-R-R-R—R. Ker-r. Ker-r-r.”

After a voyage of four months, remarkable
for the unusually heavy weather experienced,
we were “hove to ” in a very thick fog in the
Bay of Bengal, awaiting a glimpse of the sun
to take an observation. _ ~

Being in the vicinity of Tiger Island, or
“ Sanger,” and also in the track of vessels, we
had ordered the lookout to blow the fog-horn
at intervals and keep a sharp lookout for ships
or land.

About three o’clock the fog lifted and discov-
ered us slowly drifting toward a lee shore, with
eve indication of the wind freshenin .

“ tations, everybody!” roared ours 'pper.

All hands were on deck and obeyed the com-
mand with alacrity, for our danger was immi-
nent. .

Stand by your starboard anchor!”
Ay, ay, sir,” from twenty throats.

“ Stand by to pay out chain.” .

At this moment it commenced to blow big
guns, the men were all attention to the eye and
voice of the captain and officers.

All hands except the commander were for-
ward, nervous and impatient to take steps to
avoid or escape the peril that threatened.

" Let go!” yelled Captain Wilson.

There was a splash and a grating noise as the
cable ran through the bows, the men playing
out until the stoppers were reached.

We were now only a quarter of a mile from
the land and the wind blowing a gale, every—
body anxious and alarmed.

Thirt fathoms of cable were now in the wa—
ter, an we were still drifting.

“Pa out more cable, Mr. B—-———,” said Cap-
tain \V ilson.

Thirty fathoms more were given to her, but
still she dragged her anchor.

Tremendous excitement now prevailed; every
one felt the importance of decisive and immedi-
ate action, and prepared to obey the next order
promptly.

" Stand by your port anchor!”

“ Let go.”

“ Feed your cable, bear a hand !"

Not a moment was to be lost: the orders were
executed as soon as given, and each man and
boy worked for dear life.

All human efforts were futile, however.

Two minutes more would decide the fate of
the gallant ship and her no less gallant crew;
there was a breathless silence and all eyes were
fixed upon the shore.

The nerves of each man were strung to the
utmost tension, and the greatest sensitiveness
posseSSed the body of each man as he waited to
feel the first shock as she struck.

At last she went aground: the sea as yet had
not risen much, but as the wind continued to in-
crease we knew that in an hour’s time the seas
would wash clean over her, unless she should go
immediately to pieces.

“ Boats’ crews away!” piped the bos’n. as the
men emerged from below with their tarpaulin
suits and most valuable articles.

The boats were lowered away and manned.

Captain Wilson and the chief officer were the
last to leave the stranded vessel, which was now
filling rapidly with water: in their hands each
bore a rifle and pouches.

Two boats had succeeded in reaching the
shore in safety, but the third capsized and the
crew were lost: the fourth. containing the cap-
tain and his wife. landed safely.

The boats were turned bottom up and canvas
covered over and around them, thus forming
tolerable good tents.

Thus we spent the first night without food or
water: some hands had succeeded in making a
fire which proved a great comfort to us.

At daybreak the mate, myself and three mid-
shipmen started on an expedition, taking the
two rifles.

After ascending a huge rock overhanging the
sea, we discovered in the distance a light-house,
for which we immediately set out.

Upon our arrival we found it to be inhabited
by the Hindoos who were left in charge, with a
stock of provisions.

They informed us that they had only arrived
two days before, and it would be at least
gwo weeks before they would be relieved from

uty.

They had sufficient provisions to last them
until the steamer should come with the relief,
but no more, as the stores were brought with
each relay of men, and only intended to last as
long as the men should stay.

However, they afforded us some relief, for
which we were very thankful: after which we
had a comfortable smoke and were informed
that we were cast away on Tiger Island, which

was uninhabited and overrun by tigers and wild
beasts.

Toward noon we started down the spiral lad-
der, carr 'ing with us a bag of provisions and
a box of ‘Tt‘fltl for the partialrelief of the restof
our sliipinates.

H
‘t

 

 

 

“7e returned to camp with the understanding
that we should come up and take possession of a
vacant building at the base of the light—house,
but were told that they could give us no more
prOVisions, and we would have to hunt and fish
to sustain ourselves.

Upon our arrival at camp we related our ad-
ventures and made preparations for our march
the next day.

During that night we were surrounded by
ti ers and had to burn immense fires, between
which and the seashore we moved our boats.
We killed two and waited for an attack with
great anXiety.

There appeared from the growls to be at least
four others in the jungle eying us and sniffing
the air.

One of our men ventured outside the fires and
attempted to reach the spring for water, but
had not advanced more than one hundred yards
before we heard the report of the rifle he had
taken along, and a terrible shriek and two or
three ominous growls. He never returned; but
we found his rifle and part of his remains next

da .

garly next day we started for the light-house,
first securing the boats from the advancing wa-
ter.

As we approached the hill upon which the
structure was built we heard the report of a
rifle, followed by several more in quick succes-
sion, and then a number of terrible roars.

Those having rifles and pistols ran ug the hill
toward the light—house,where we foun the low-
er door thrown wide open.

We advanced cautiously,entered the door and
commenced the ascent of the steps, on the first
flight of which we found a large tiger glaring
down on us.

He was looking very angry, licking his terri-
ble jaws and growling threateningly.

He appeared to hesitate whether to run back
up the steps or to descend and show fight.

We gave him verv little time to deliberate,
however. Captain ilson raised his rifle and
fired, bringing the tiger down on his side and
rolling down step by ste upon us. We dis-
patched him with our knives, and prepared to
meet the next emergency.

“Te heard loud growls further up and hailed
the persons in charge'of the light-house, but re-
ceived no response, so recommenced our ascent
very cautiously.

At len th we reached the room in which the
keepers ived and from which emerged the
growls we had before heard.

We advanced with our two rifles raised, four
revolvers cocked and knives drawn.

The growls now became loud roars, and we
felt that the critical moment had arrived.

“ Stand by with your knives, bo s and spare
your powder!” cautioned Captain ilson, as he
and the second officer peeped into the room.

The ski per, first and second mates then ad-
vanced, closel ' followed by two sailors with pis-
tols and I with a knife. ‘

Undera rough table upon a iece of canvas
lay two ti ers, and upon the tab e stood another,
while rig t in a corner With his paws upon a
chest stood a magnificent animal with the
skull of one of the Hindoos closely grasped in
his claws, and tearing the scalp an skin off in
ribbons.

Between the two under the table we perceived
the body of the second keeper, stripped of all the
flesh, but intact as far as the legs, arms and
head were concerned.

The remains of the third Hindoo were after-
ward found about fifty yards from the lower
door, which it appears he had left open in go-
ing out for water or fuel.

After our observation we retired and closed
the door to deliberate upon the wisest course to
pursue.

d We had but few arms and very little pow-
er. '

The tigers were thirsting for more blood, hav--
in once tasted it.

9 had them safe in our
visions, for which we‘w
were in the room with the brutes. ’

If we could kill them in the room we should
have a comfortable room,.provisions and an ob—
ser vatory from which we might be able to signal
passing shi s.

If we let them alone they would probably die
of him er, but, having just dined off three men,
they might live a week or ten days; and we were
without food or protection from other animals,
of which the island was full.

It was worth all risks. but first we would try
strategy, and if that failed we could go boldly
in and make a hand to claw fight.

I ascended to the room in which the lamps and
hell were kept, and there found a scuttle hatch
which I surmised would lead down into the liv—
ing room.

CautiouslIy removing the stone placed over the
trap-door, peered down and saw fin tigers
prowling about in front of the iron door and a
small Window.

I called to my comrades and we picked them
off as they passed under us in their constant and
uneasy prowlings.

After burying the bones of the uiiforfninate
Hindoos and skinning the tigers we made our-
selves as comfortable as pomible. subSisting on
filsh and small game until the relief boat came
a on .

“'e related our adventures to the officers and
crew and returned with them to Calcutta. from
whence we were sent by the Governor General
to Liverpool, ria Peninsula and Oriental Steam-
ship Line.

The Bewitched Rifle.

BY COL. J. E. DONOVAN.

war, but the pro-

 

 

 

“ GIVE up my old shooter. boyee.’ I’d sooner
put my hand inter the fire! Why, bless ye,

w’u’dn’t gi’n it fer all the new-fangled wee-
pons this side 0’ St. Louey."

“But I am afraid thar‘s something wron
about it, Uncle Zeb. I know it has been a good
weapon, and in your hands was worth a dozen
ordinary rifles. But, sometimes guns get into a
way of havin’ bad spells—and yours—”

“Bad spells!” roared Zeb Horn, leaping to
his feet and flinging his long arms flail—like in
the air; “ my old shooter hev bad spells? Hey,
Dust Ward, ef ye weren’t a boy I’d tickle the
perayer with ye. “'hy, bless ye, I’ve carried
that old iron nigh onto a dozen year, from ’way
up North ’mong the Britishers down to the
Spanish missions—from the Arkansaw to the
Oregon, and it never failed to shoot THIRD-C‘er
ter, whether nosin’ the howlin’ Blackfeet—the
wu’st of all reds——or the Sioux. the Crows,
’Rapahoes, sneakin’ Pawnees, Kiowas. Kymun-
ches, or what not. It hes been my buzzim
fri’nd on inenny a long trail, and it hes struck
more camps than enny weapon in the moun-
tains. and I won’t ’cept Old Markhead’s ‘Spit-
fire,’ nor Kit Carson’s ‘ Evil Eye.’ No: that old
gun never went back on me, and I ain’t goin'
to show it the tail feather now. wagh !"

“Pardon me, Uncle Zeb: I didn’t mean to
wound your feelin’s, or to speak ag’in’ the old
weapon. But, thar seems to be a smell of mis-
chief about it. Pete, hyur, sniffed it, too.
Black Harris had—"

“A durn liar was Black Harris! Him I
knowed of old.”
“But I was speakin’ of his gun. It acted

purty strange fer some days: would hang fire.
and when it did go off would knock him end
over end, and would throw a bullet anvwhere
but the way it was pointed. Yes, Uncle Zeb:
it is a queer thing to say, but that gun was
mad-stark mad. When we broke camp Har-
ris threw it away. but if you’d believe it,just as
we got started that weapon begun to shoot the
same as if ’twas loaded! It blazed away so
fast and smart that we got off as soon as we
could, and the last we heard was its infci‘nal
thunder. St. Yrain said the thing was haunted,
aiid—— ’

“St. Vrain was full of queer crinks. and
Black Harris—wal, ef he looked at an antelope
he w’u‘d see horns a hundred foot long and it
w’ii‘d breathe fire and smoke, wagh !”

d risk anydanger,’

h Ward.

“ I kalkilate Harris weren’t on very good
terms with the. truth. Bill Sublette had a gun
that acted just so; after he had carried it a long
time, too.”

“Ye hev struck whar I had my eye, Dust,”
chimed in another of the party. “ I knew Sub-
lette and his bewitched gun. It was—”

“Git out with yer muck,” growled Old Zeb.
“ Ye ar’ a set 0’ dog-goned greenies, ennyway,
w’ot ain’t no ’count,” and shouldering his long
rifle, the subject of the short but sharp debate,
he strode away without looking to the right or
left.

The scene was an old cabin on the San Fer-
nando Mission trail, where half a dozen moun
tain-men had taken u their quarters for a few
days, as game was quite plenty in that vicinity.
They were bent upon an ex dition, more of
sport than anything else, to wer California.

The leader of the band, known as Uncle Zeb
Horn, had boasted so much of the merits of his
rifle that a couple of the younger spirits of the
party had resolved to have a little fun at the old
mountaineer’s expense. His gun was a lon ,
ungainly, weather-beaten piece, but in his ban 3
never failed to do its part.

Your mountaineer is nothing if he is not
superstitious, and we suspect‘that the words of
young Ward had had more effect on Old Zeb
than he would be willing to own.

Whether so or not, the others, who were
watching him closely, noticed that he loaded the
weapon With more than usual care, when they
started on the next day’s hunt.

Strange to say, too, the gun missed fire twice
before they decided to return to camp.

Uncle Zeb showed his nervousness, and he be-
gan to handle the weapon somewhat gingerly.

On their way back to camE an antelope
bounded across their path, when eb, with hasty
aim, fired at the creature. To his dismay the
animal’s fli ht was unchecked: and before the
others coul raise their weapons it had disap-
peared in the bottom below.

He had had a fair shot, but for once the old
mountaineer had missed his mark. He looked
his gun over suspiciously, and was heard to mut—
ter over something about ‘ ‘ bad medicine.”

The following day his rifle behaved even
worse, for‘ it hung fire three times, and twice
Uncle Zeb missed his game.

He shook his head dubiously.

“ Did Sublette’s gun act like Black Harris’s ?”
he asked.

“ Exactly,” replied Ward. “ It seemed to be
hot all of the time ‘round the stock, and, just be
fore he would fire, a thin, blue smoke would
curl up ‘bout the hammer.”

“ I see’d jest sich a smoke ’round my old
shooter every time when I missed,”declared the
other, somewhat huskily.

Aflairs had now got to such a itch that the
others dared not chaff him, so t 0 subject was
dropped.

That evening after they had eaten their sup—
per, and were seated squat upon the cabin floor,
lighting their pipes for the customary smoke,
young Vard suddenly pointod to Uncle Zeb’s
gun standing in the corner, crying:

“ Look! that old weapon of yourn, Zeb, is go-
to have a spasm. See it shake!”

store any of the others could speak a sharp,
rin 'ng re ort filled the room.

6 smo e curling from the muzzle of the old
piece told from whence the shot had come.

“ Phizz-z-bang!” thundered the gun a second
time, bounding from the corner to fall back
again.

The men all leaped totheir feet in amazement.

“ What did I tell ye ?” cried Ward, triumph—
antly. “ That’s just the way Bill Sublette’s gun
did. The old creetur’ ain’t got through yet,
either.”

“Spa !” broke out the weapon, spitefully.

Uncle eb groaned, and his companions look—
ed as startled as he.

in

“ Jeema 8 let who’d ’a’ s’posed it!”
“ Mebbe it’s ,”‘said Pete. “ It don’t seem
shake—r” ,. ' " ‘ ‘

to  ~‘\, . -
“ Spliz-esplurgo—baug !” thundered old
and the cabin fair! shook. “ A

“ —I never lmowed tto do so before!” ex-
claimed Zeb, growing more and more alarmed.
“ It’s bewitchedl I knowed ’twas yesterda .”

“ Black H 's said just the same,” dec
“ See he old thing smoke! It shakes
like—”

“ S liz-iz—splurge—whizz—pop—crack !”

“’ ain’t quite so stout,” said Pete, and the
others began to breathe easier. “ Kalkilate it’s
got over the wu‘st—”

“ Sizz-z-z—bangl bang! bang!” roared the gun
in rapid succession, while it rattled about the
corner furiously.

“ Good Lor’ !” gasped Zeb, “it’s gettin’ badder
and badder!”

And he lookedwildly toward the door, but the
weapon was standing too near that to think of
leaving the cabin.

“ Bang—bang—sizz—bang!” kept up the “be—
witched ” weapon.

“ Put it out! put it out!” roared old Grizzly
“'alker, “ or we are goners !”

“ Don’t tech it!” warned Uncle Zeb.
be it’ll bu‘st ef ye—"

" Spt‘lllg I” broke forth the gun again sharply.
“'as it going to keep up at this rate all night?

Constcrnation was depicted upon the bronzed
faces of the elder members of the party. The
others looked hardly less frightened.

“ It m 1le be put out, affirmed Walker. “ Ef
ye can’t do it, Zeb, I’ll ventur’ to do it.”

" Yes: put it out,” echoed Dustin TVard.
“ Black Harris’s gun took on like thet for more’n
an hour.”

“ Mebbe I’ll try it,” replied Uncle Zeb,slowly.
" ‘Pears es though it had got through.”

The gun was indeed standing as quietly as any
of the others.

Dropping cautiously upon his knees the moun-
taineer began to crawl toward it.

Before he could get across the floor, however,
the strange weapon reopened its war.

“ Bang—spliz—bang—sizz—ban g !“

Zeb paused with dismay. As the last report
died away and the gun was again silent, Grizzly
\Yalker cried:

" Now‘s yer time, Zeb—quick .'
yer life, have it!”

TVith a desperate look upon his haggard vis-
age, Old Zeb seized the otfending weapon by the
stock to hurl it out into the night with all the
power he could muster. That was no child‘s
throw, either.

As it went flying through the air the gun de-
fiantly answered back with a ringing re rt.
For some time it was heard belching fort its
fiery contents.

“ Fire away, old chum!” said Uncle Zeb,
grimly. “ I reckon ye’ll be lonesome by-’m—by.
I tell ye. boyees, it makes me feel bad. For
nigh onto thirty year has that old weepon stood
by me through thick and thin. Hear it! It‘s
wuss nor a mule with the colic."

The old tra per shook his head mournfully.
Young War and his confederate smiled. but
they dared not tell yet what they had done. and
the strange actions of the gun was the theme of
the conversation that night.

The next morning they found it lying where
Zeb had thrown it, but he would not touch the
weapon. though he looked wistfully back as they
left it lying there.

A few days later it leaked out that Ward had
tampered with the piece. which had been the
cause of its hanging fire. That evening he had
loaded the weapon with powder to the muzzle.
using for wadding the dry fungus of an old
stump, all rammed down. and dropped a live
coal upon the top. Once the firing had begun
it would not cease until the last grain of pow-
der had exploded.

Uncle Zeb heard this in silence. but it wasn‘t
long before he got even with the boys. Per—
Sags we will tell you some time how he paid the

e t.

“ Meb—

Have it! fer

 

A SMALL Boston girl having been told that
it clap of thunder she had just heard was “ God
speaking,” is reported by the Com‘icr to have
answered: “ I dess he must be mad. den, for he
spoke ’mos’ as loud as pa w’en he found his col—

 

lar—button in de biscuit yesterday.”

 

The Amateur Galont’s Ruse.

BY WILLIAM G. PATTEN.

 

 

“ THE TWINS,” as they were called, were two
of the most notorious desperadoes among the
mines. They were usually spoken of as “ bad
men,” and it was a rash man who boldly sought
a uarrel with either of them.

n fact, the were not related in the least to
each other. no was light and the other was
dark complexioned; but in almost every other
respect they resembled each other. Their fea-
tures were of a similar cast; each were his
beard the same as the other; they dressed alike;
and lastly, each had a small red scar just above
the left eyebrow. They were pleasant-appear-
in men usually, but when they “ got their war~
paint on,” then it was advisable to steer clear
of them.

It was usually acknowledged that the light—
complexioned man whose name was Joe Bron-
son, usually called ‘ Tough Joe,” was the worse
“fire-eater ” of the two. His partner, Joe
Baker known as “ Rough Joe,”seemed to be a
sort of follower of the other.

But, it was not generally known among the
miners that both Tough Joe and his partner had
fled from the East on account of the too familiar
attention of certain ofiicers who were seeking
them out that the might receive their just pun-
ishment for mur er committed by their hands.
I say this was not generally known, but it is a
fact that such was the case.

The Twins drifted here and there over the
mining country, picking up a living in anything
but an honest way.

One night the stage dropped two strange pas-
sengers at Poverty Flat. hey were evidently
genuine “ Down-Fosters.” One was a tall, lank-
looking man; the other a medium-sized, fiery—
face'd woman. That they were husband and
wife the bystanders at once decided, and it was
evident at once that the husband was a hen—
peeked man. '

They entered the Lancey House with the wo.
man leading the way and the man following be-
hind her, fairly staggering under the load of
two heavy valises.

“Come there, Hezekiah! Fer the lan’ sakes
dew hurry up,” snapped the little, fiery-faced
woman. “ I never see’d sich or slow poke in all
mfiborn days.”

ezekiah did not attempt to reply, but meek-
ly followed her into the building.

After trying for half an hourto beat down
the proprietor of the house on the amount asked
for accommodations, the woman was finally
forced to accede to the price demanded. But
she declared that it was a ‘.‘ pesky shame” and
an “ infarnal swindle.”

After registering their names as “Mirandy
Green and husband,” she followed Bob Lancey
up—stairs with the meek-appearing Hezekiah
bringing u the rear.

By ten o clock that night Bob Lancey’s saloon
was in full blast. It was well filled with the
different classes to be found in the mines.

Hezekiah Green came quietly down the stairs
and heard two men talking in low tones on the
ste , just outside the door. Hezekiah stopped
an listened.

“He ain’t struck this hayre camp yet” he
heard a smooth voice say. “I know ott
Marble the detective, an’ I know he ain’t
hayre.”

“ Waal, that’s all righ ,” said a second voice.
“ When he does come, we’ll salt ’im, an’ lay ’im
awa terrest."

“ e tackled an’ all-demed tough 'ob w’en he
set out ter ture ther ' e is called
mighty smart, ut I'reckon he’ll find ’imself in
Glory ef he comes monkeyin’ roun’ us. ”

They both laughed softly, then one of them

'ng into the saloon.
._'meaited to hear no fire, but slunk
away toward timber-room and

'l'heDow‘n-Eutar found the 

neat who were 

card

“1;, ,wiflisahalf ' 
or atimenooneseemedtonoticetheDown-

Easter, but as soon as The Twins came ingRough

Joe espied him and called out:

“ Hallo, my tonderfoot frien‘l How do yer
find erself ter—nite ?”

“ gritty well. thankee,” replied Hezekiah,
grinning more than before. “ That is, pritty
well,all but my chist. Ye see this’eer mountin
air ain’t like that ov Maine, an’ it takes holt ov
my chist powerful kinder hard.” “ T

his

“ Just so." said Rough Joe, gravel .
air is powerful dryin’. Cum up an’ta e suthin’
for wet yer neck. It’ll make yer chest feel bet—
ter.”

it Hey g”

“ I say come up an’ hev er drink 0’ tangle-
foot. It’ll help yer chest.”

“ Don’t keer if I dew,” declared Hezekiah,
much to the surprise of the bystanders, who had
expected that he would refuse to drink.

Rough Joe ordered the drinks. and a few mo-
ments later he and the Down—Easter stood face
to face with their glasses in their hands.

“ Hayre’s luck 1” said Joe, as he turned down
his liquor.

Hezekiah attempted to drink his. but it was
evidently too strong for him, for it set him into
a violent coughing fit, much to the amusement
of the spectators.

“ Good gracious—hough! hou h!—— peter!” he
coughed. “ I belceve I swaller -—hough!-——that
the wrong way.”

J “Waal, swaller it down,” commanded Rough
0e.

“ Land ov J oner, I can’t !” cried Hezekiah.

“ Swaller it!" growled Joe, fingering a revol-
ver in his belt.

Hezekiah made the attempt and came near
strangling.

Tough Joe, who was standing behind him,
pounded vigorously on his back.

At this stage of the proceedings Mirandy
Green was heard calling:

“ Hezekiah Green, where air yew l”

She came into the saloon, and catching a
glimpse of the group by the bar, stood transfixed
with open-mouthed astonishment.

“ Heer I be!" answered Hezekiah, as soon as
he could stop coughing.

The little woman marched straight up to him,
and seizing him by the car she exclaimed:

“ Hezekiah Green, I’ll l’arn yew tew run
away from me .' \Vhat air yew dewin’ dOWn
beer? Jest march yer boots out ov this!”

“ Hold on, old lady! Don't hurry." interposed
Tough Joe, reaching out a hand to detain her.

But like a flash the woman struck a “back-
hand ” blow thattool; Tough Joe fair in the face
and actually knocked him sprawling. The next
instant she leaped upon him, and before he
could offer resistance, he found his hands hand-
cuffed behind hinil

Meantime. to his surprise, Rough Joe found a
c0cked revolver held by Hezekiah Green thrust
under his nose, while the Easterner fairly
hissed:

“ Hands up! Move a muscle and you’re a
dead man!”

The crowd stared in amazement,

It did not take Mirandy Green but a few mo—
ments to snap a pair of handcuffs on the wrists
of Rough Joe, and thus, in a short time, The
Twins were made prisoners.

While Hezekiah held the two desperadoes
“ cavered " the woman turned to the crowd and
5:11 :

“ Gentlemen. we are detective officers.”

With these words the dress was flung off, and
“ Mirandy Green " stood before them dressed in
male attire.

“ I am Scott Marble, and he whom you have
known as Hezekiah Green is Bial Keene, my
partner.

“ “'e set out to capture these tWO despera-
does. known as The Twins. In some way they
learned that I was on their track, and were pre~
pared to kill me on sight. Hence this disguise
and the little trick we played in order to get
the deadwood on them. Thcy are both wanted
in the East for various crimes they have com—
mittal. and especially for a brutal murder.”

It took the crowd some time to recover from

the surprise of this astounding revelation; but

the next inornin , when Marble and keene de-

parted with the r prisoners, the miners voted

them “ ther smartest aloots in ther “'est.”
And they were not far from right.

 

 

The Modesty Of It.

DAKOTA is producing such accomplished liars
that Colorado will have to look up a new squad
of correspondents and story-tellers or retire for
her second wind. This is Dakota’s latest mod-
est way of advertising her cheap homes, through
a perfectly reliable corres ndent:

" In the East thousan s of people plant and
sow ‘in the moon’ to insure rapi growth, but
in Dakota it is dangerous to plant in the prolific
phase of the moon, so they are careful to plant
at such a time that the moon will exert its in-
fluence in holding the cm back. I have known
several disasters to resu t from neglect of this
precaution. One day I got lost out in the coun-
try, and while I was t011ing through the tall,
new grass I saw a man with nothing on but his
suspenders tearing along like mad. He stopped
'ust long enough to tell me what was up, and off

e went for the Iowa side of the Sioux River
which he cleared at a bound, and fell on all
fours into an old snow-drift four feet deep. He
said he and his wife had looked up the moon
business and had planted their garden the even-
ing before, but happened to get hold of a last

ear’s almanac and missed it about four days.
The result was that when he woke up that
morning the beets that be planted forty feet
from the house had crushed in his cellar walls,
and a squash vine had taken the door of! its
hinges and was just mopping the floor with all
there was left of the hired man, whom it had
snatched out of bed in the attic. He didn’t
know where his wife was, but he saw some
shreds of a night-gown and several agate but-
tons in the front yard as he fled. He said there
were pea vines after him with (pods on ‘em large
enough for phantom boats: an one could see by
the way he was dressed that if he was a liar at
all he was not a regular thoroughbred Dakota

 

sample. If I real] thought I would ever be-
come an average akota liar I would want to
die.

“ About two weeks agol saw a farmerout be-
hind a straw stack gathering into a heap a lot
of old bones and pieces of hides and sprinkling
salt on them. Yesterday I saw this same man
selling a fine pair of steers to a butcher up-town.
They were so fat and had filled up so fast that
he had ieced out their hides with an old bufl’alo—
robe. his granger was a Sunday-school super-
intendent before he came to Dakota, but he
swore these were the cattle I had seen him kick-
in together behind the straw stack. He said
alfthey had eaten was some wild grass that had
sprung up in his door—yard, where the women-
folks had thrown a few tubs of warm soa ds
on wash-days.' He said that he had learn that
the best way to winter stock in Dakota was to
knock them to pieces in the fall and set them up
a ain as wanted: otherwise, unless we got a
bfizzard ever week, they were liable to get too
fat and roun on the native ss.

“ Last fall I stopped at a house to borrow a
match to light my pipe with. The man told me
to go right out in the garden and pick all I
wanted. I did not know what it meant at first:
but he went out with me, and—I’m almost
afraid you’ll think me aliar for telling it—there
was about half an were growing the finest lor
matches I ever saw. They were as thick as
hairs on a blind mole. He said he had a poor
crop the year before, because the seed was too
good for such soil. This year he had mixed his
seed matches with about one-third toothpicks,
and lgot a splendid yields '

“‘ went out after breakfast and saw theman
blowing up Hubbard squashes with gunpowder.
They weretta'l’uge‘to be moved, and the far-

“ Inofined modhh‘dfe’shgp-mm ' :
ammchulongerthanthe other and 
it thus: mummiean e
gglmuh groundf h‘fi‘ from 
'tte ora‘oor, wc ,y
hadto mow the gram once a‘day to find the
 He said his wife had a habit 0f sitting
wi one leg over the other knee, and the leg
that remained in contact with the soil got sud
a start that the other could never catch up.”

 

Telephone Echoes.

AN Eastern paper speaks of a streak of in~
sanity having struck its town. In the next
column it boasts of seventeen new subscribers.

IT is said that shingles may be made fire—
proof, but you cannot convince the small boy
who has had experience that a shingle is not fre-
quently red-hot.

“ No, Frances, my duty to the country over
which I preside will not permit me to lower my
dignity by rising and lighting the kitchen fire.
Ask me anything but that.”

THE Briton’s idea of the geography of the
United States continuesto be past finding out,
even when he’s a British American. A Victoria
newspa r gravely tells of “ Disastrous forest
fires in ilwaukee.”

ACCORDING to the Boston Courier a man may
have plenty of brains, may tower head and
shoulders above his fellows, may in fact be a
very demi-god in ability; but he will amount to
nothing in the eyes of young and pretty women
if his trowsers bag at the knees.

MILWAUKEE had a summer school of philoso-
gghy which discussed the Henceness of the
erefore and the Correlative Tooness of the
Absolute Utter. The relations which these
burning questions bear to the price of beer is of
urgent importance to every citizen of Milwau-
kee.

A NERVOUS old lady, going up Mount Wash-
ington asked the conductor of the train what
would happen if one of the cogs should break.
“ We havea patent brake, marm.” “ But if the
brake fails?’ “ We have a patent wedge
marm.” “ But if that fails?” “Ah! then all
depends upon your past life.”

“ How is this?” said a man, addressing a jus-
tice of the peace. “Jackson was arrested for
murder, but you are trying him for hog-steal-
ing.” “ My friend," the justice replied, “it is
true that the man committed murder, but he al-
so stole a hog. In this country first try a man

s

for the greatest offense."

THE Louisville Post is responsible for the
assertion that, speaking of the fact that the
Chinese always use boxes for shipping their
merchandize and never use cooperage, a Louis-
villian says the reason is that years ago. a
coopcr’s shop was started in China. but owing
to the fact that it was necessary for a China-
man to get inside to hold the head up while an-
other was outside doing the nailing, thus ingulf-
ing a Chinaman for every barre , the govern-
ment stopped it.

“YOURS has been a very busy life, Mr. Bul-
lion i”inquired the lady reporter. “ H’m, yes,”
said Mr. Bullion. “I began to rustle around
middlin’ airly.” “Will you please tell me of ,
your earliest struggles?” sheas ed poisin apen~
cil. The millionaire looked uncertain. ‘ I can’t
remember much about it myself,” he said, “but
I reckon my early struggles began when they
was puttin’m first shirt on me. I’ve noticed
since that be ies—" But she was a real. nice,
brand new reporter and was downstairs two
flights ahead of the elevator. ‘

PETROLEUM V. Nxsnr has dropped into pho—
netics again to deliver a temperance lecture.
He says: “ Likker~sellin’ looks like a mity pro~
fitable bizncss, but it ain’t alluz. It hez its
drorbax. You see. yer customers don’t live
long enuff to make the bizness ez profitable as
it shood be. Jest ez you git a man fairly fixed
so that he hez to hev his likker regler he gits so
that he won‘t work. and consekently don’t hev
money to satisfy his appetite. That’s the
trouble. “"at good to me is a man with a
healthy longin‘ for stimulant and no money to
pay for it?”

 

 

 

 

 

  
     

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