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~ ((9  g
r The Banner Weekly.

1.
V
Published every Saturday morning at nine o'clock.

 

NEW YORK, OCTOBER 28, 1893.

 

THE BANNER WEEKLY is sold by all NeWSdealers
in the United States and in the Canadian Dominion.
Parties unable to obtain it from a Newsdealer, or
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number. _ I

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remit by Am. Express Money Order, Draft, . 0.
Order, or Registered Letter, these being the best
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BEADLE AND ADAMS. PUBLIsHEEs.
98 WILIJAM 81‘..an YORK.

 

@‘New readers will please notify their news-
dealer of their purpose to take THE BANNER
WEEKLYregularly, so as to be sure of secur-
ing it. Back numbers always on hand.

NEXT TO FOLLOW!
A Story of Remarkable Power!

By A. I:_Morrisl

In which this brilliant novelist presents
readers a wonderfully fine romance of astonish—
ing imposture and consummate villainy,whereby
a “ base-born brat” usurps the heritage of
another, and by effrontery that may be termed
diabolical carries to success a scheme of surpasse
ing wickedness. A beautiful young woman is
his prize; to secure her hand and fortune is his
game; and having secured both, he hies from
America to his English home to lead the life of
3. lord, which he is supposed to legally be. Then
come the shadows that follow after—the seeming
restoration to life Of men supposed to be dead
and buried—the unmasking of the whole scheme
through the inimitable cunning and daring of
the great Joe Fleet, of the London Secret Ser-
vice Corps, closing with a surprising denouement
and climax.

It is, all in all, a serial of commanding interest,
that, once read, will not be forgotten, so readers
may anticipate an unusual story treat in its
perusal. '

Sam Johrgp’s Failing.

BY WILL  GIDLEY.

“TALK ’bout yer lazy wu’thless niggahs, dat
air husban’ 0’ mine, Sam J Ohusing, jest takes de
hoe-cake ebery time an’ no mistake.”

“ Why, aunty, what has Sam been doing now?”
queried I, sympathetically.

The “ fair, fat and forty ” colored dame placed
her hands on her hips, and standing on the
roughly-built veranda of her cabin home, With
her feet braced far apart and her head thrown
back in an Ajax-defying—the-lightning attitude,
she scornfully remarked:

“ Huh! \Vhat has Sam bin doiu’ now? Hain’t
bin doin’ nuffin’ ’tall. Dat’s jest whar de great
trubble comes in. Dat air niggah am too bressed
lazy an’ shif’less to draw de brefi‘ ob life if dar
was any labor ’bout it.”

“He must be pretty lazy if that’s the case,”
said I.

“ Dat’s jest what I hab bin tellin’ yer, honey.
Dat air Sam Johnsing am de laziest au’ shif’less-
est an’ wu’thlessest mortal I eber see’d in all my
born days. I hab bin afflicted wid four no-
account husban’s sence I commenced gittin’
married, an’ I ’cl’ar’ ter goodness dat same Sam
ilohpsrng am de wu’st an’ de laziest ob de hull
0t.

“ How do you make that out, aunty?”

“Easy ’nufi‘. See de bugs ober dar eatin’ up
de ’tater-vines? See dat fence goin’ ter rack an’
ruin? See dem woodpiles waitin’ ter be chopped
up? Dat’s all on account of Sam J ohnsing bein’
too lazy to work same’s other folks.

“ Neber heerd ’bout my fu’st husban’ an’ de
sad end he arrove at frew his own shif’lessness,
did ye?” .

“ NO; go ahead with the story.”

“ Huh! hain’t no story ’bout it. It am true
as de gospel, ebery word Oh it. Yer see, Pete
(dat was my fu’st husban’s name, Pete Jones)
happened ter be out-doors one day when it be-
gan ter snow right smart, an’ de nex’ thing he
knowed his feet got snowed under, an’ bein’ too
lazy ter lift them out he jest stood there an’
froze ter deff.”

“That was a peculiar case.”

“ Kain’t help it, it’s de troof, anyhow. An’
Shoofiy Jackson, my nex’ husban’ Was jest ’bout
as bad. He was settin’ on de stove in der corner
grocery one ebenin’, an’ when dey started a fire
in it he was too lazy ter change his seat an’ be
receibed fatal injuries before dcy could git men
’nuff togedder ter pick him up an’ escort him ter
a place Ob safety.”

“That was tough on you, aunty, to lose two
husbands oue'after the other.”

“ Hab ter lose dem dat way if I losed dem ’t
all, less I committed bigamy by habin’ two hus—
ban’s ter once, an’ I don’t b‘leev’ in no such
goin’s on as dat nohow.”

“ I presume not. But you married again the
first chance you got, didn’t you, aunty?”

“ Huh! I hub a dozen chances ’fore I took up

wid Job Tucker, an’ if I had knowed Job was
born tired an’ gittin’ more so ebery day sence, I
would hab waited longer yet. When a man am
too lazy ter step off’n a railroad track when do
whistle blows, an’ stands right still wid his lian’s
in his pocket an’ lets do train run ober him, I
hab no furder use for him.”
_ “ Except to plant him and see that his grave
lS kept green until his successor is appointed. I
belieVe you said your present husband’s name
was Mr. Johnson, didn’t you i”

“ Yes, sah, Sam Johnsing, de ne plus ulster,
as dey say in French, an’ Cap Sheaf ob concen-
trated laziness ob de hull gang. J est, look
round an’ see for yo’ Own self. Dat wu’thless
niggah habn’t done a day’s work in a month,
an’ be hain’t wu’th anything at—er—night-work
any more, either. Too fat an’ lazy ter do any-
thing at it sca’cely without makin’ a botch of it.
Only las’ night he was on his way home, wid a
young rooster under one arm au’ a fat pullet
under de udder—an’ I ’clare ter goodness if he
didn’t let bof Ob ’em git away!

“ As I hab been tolin’ ye all along, dat Sam
Johnsing am a lazy, triflin’, nO-account niggah;
dat’s jest what he am, ebery time, an’ I hab no
sort 0’ respick or furder use for a man who ’lows
a chicken dinner to slip out Oh his hands in dat
shif’less way.”

And with a sniff of deep dis
ful toss of the head she turn
stalked proudly into the cabin.

st and a disdain-
ou her heel and

 

Happy-Go-luoky Papers.

Noah Tackles a. Few Conundrums.

POINTS ABOUT THE HUMOROUS IDIOT WITH
THE EMPTY REVOLVER, BUGS, ETCETERA,
ETC.

DEAR BANNER:—

The “ didn’t know it was loaded” idiot is
looming up again with alarming frequency all
Over the land, hence the pertinence of the fol-
lowing communication, which has just come to
hand:

“ MR. NOAH NUFF:-- A _

“ DEAR SIR:—I have a friend who is continu-
ally pointing an em ty revolver at people and
yelling, ‘ Look out! ’m gomg to shoot,’ or some
such humorous remark as that to make them
jump and give him something to laugh at. Is
there any law against his domg_ this, and,.if
not, what is the best way to discourage him
from the practice? .

“ I would like to break him of it If. I can, and
if you know of any good plan for domg so, you
will confer a favor by elucidating same at an
early date and also greatly oblige. _

“ Yours pro bono publico,
“ P. JACKSON PETERS.”

When your friend gets one of his funny streaks
on, and points a revolver at you, it would be a
good idea to knock him down With anything
that comes handy, the first thing you do, and
then examine the revolver at your leisure_.to see
whether it is empty or loaded. Even if you
find it" empty, there will be no necessrty for
apologizing; he deserves knocking down any-
how: and if the weapon turns out to be loaded.
you ought to thump him over the head with It
until you knock some sense into his cranium or
smash the shooting-iron, one or the other; don’t
make much difference which, and even if you
do both there won’t be much harm done. No
one will object in either case- except the humor-
ous gentleman who owns the cranium and the
hardware, and in sense of this kind his objection
doesn’t count. _

Another good way to discourage your friend
in his wildly comic career is to introduce 'him to
the attention Of the Fool Killer and let lmn take
a whack at him.

If the Fool Killer is the sort of a public bene-
factor I take him for, he will cheerfully travel
a mile out of his way at any time to get a
crack with his night-stick at a chap of that sort,
and be mighty glad that his attention was called
to him besides.

“ HARLEMITE ” asks: .

“ Can you recommend a good, healthy locality
to live in?” .

Yes; if you want a healthy place stay right
where you are. What could you ask better
than Harlem? You can’t kill a Harlem man,
even by breaking his neck, so the statistics go
to show—and statistics won’t lie for anybody, if
they’re properly compiled. If not—but no mat-
ter. What I started to say was that during the
past twelvemonth I have read of at least three
instances where a Harlem man has had his neck
broken and lived on in spite of the injury and
the doctors. . _

No use of talking, there is something iuv1gor-
ating about the air of Harlem, something that
braces a man up and renders him impregnable,
as it were, to the ordinary accidents and ail-
ments of mankind, such as measles, chicrenu-pox,
malaria, jim—jams, fractured spines, b'llClde,
etc., etc.

In the words of the poet:

“ Oh, valley of Harlem blest region of health

It I. but aimed thee in. : rst wessngyeelthi’-

Harlem is something more than a goat pas-
ture; it is a vast sanitarinm, where even the
trolley pales its ineffectual fires and man lives
calmly on (with a broken neck or some such
trifle as that) to a green old age, undismayed by
the clash of elements and the wreck of worlds,
or words to that effect.

So, as I said before, you’d better stay right
where you are, Mr. Harlemite, and thank your
lucky stars that you are as well off as you are.
There are Very few localities where the atmos-
phere used for breathing purposes is so full of
ozone and other life-giving qualities that a per-
son can fracture his cervical vertebrae and go
right on enjoying life and transacting business
as if nothing had happened, and when you strike
a place of that kind you want to stick to it and
grow up with the country, or city, as the case
may be.

BIRDIE J. SMITH, of Jersey City, writes:

“ How can I get rid of cockroaches and other
insects that overrun the kitchen? I have tried
everything I can think of without success, and
now I come to you for advice. If you know of
an effectual method of destroying these pests
please publish same in the next number of your
valued family journal and oblige.”

The only sure way of clearing out the critters
you mention is to burn the house down—so I’ve
been told by houSekeepers who have tried every-
thing for them from Rough on Rats to a holo-
caust.

They may dodge all the traps you set for
them, and refuse to eat poison or grow fat on
it, but the holocaust fixes them every time, pro~
viding you get the fire hot enough and then
stand at the door with a broom and keep them
from escaping before they are properly baked.

Once you get your bugs thoroughly cremated
you will be bothered no more—not by the same
bugs, anyhow.

If you have tried everything else suppose you
try this plan, Birdie, and send me word how it
works.

“ LEANDEB " (not the one who swam the
Hellespont, but a Long Island City Leander)
sends in the following interesting conundrum:

“If a fellow is engaged to a girl and lives
where he can do so without inconveniencing
himself, is it allowable to call on her seven eve-

nings in the week?”

Hardly, Leander; hardly. Better skip one or
two evenings in the week, and give the young
lady a chance to collect her thoughts and her
trousseau and other trifles of that sort.

Don’t you think you will manage to survive if
you call around to see her say five evenings at
we??? and stay from three to six hours at each
ca .

It may not turn out that way in your case,
but I have noticed quite frequently that these
young men who spend every evening in the
company of their best girls before marriage can
tear themselves away afterward for three or
four evenings a week without betraying the
slightest signs of suffering in any way.

But, as Benedict Kipling would say, that is
another story; and I have only time for the
moral, which is:

Go slow. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and
you can’t do your courting all in one night, nor
even one week. Don’t spread the honey on too
thick. Save some of it till after you are mar-
ried. Your best girl—~she will continue to be
your “ best girl,” bless her little boots! through
all the ups and downs of life if you’ll give her
the chance—will appreciate it when you are her
husband just as much, or even more, than she
did when you were only her lover.

N. B.—You will find this moral all wool and a
yard wide. I constructed it for my own use
some years ago, and I can safely recommend it
to Leander and the general public as being the
genuine article, strictly fast colors, non-shrink-
able, and guaranteed to give perfect satisfaction
in nine cases out of ten.

Yours confidentially.
NOAH Ncrr.

“

THE bicycle rider and the horse are in close
competition for the fastest record. Directum,
the swift California stallion, trotted half a mile
in 1:01}; , the fastest on record. The same day,
Tyler. at Hartford, rode his bicycle half a mile
in 1:01 ‘3 5, breaking the record for fast riding
on the machine. In going long distances the
bicycle rider easily defeats the horse.

 

Banneretres.

COLONEL DODGE, of the U. S. Army, in an
article, “ Riders of Syria,” in Harper’s Maga-
zine for October, makes some interesting state-
ments as to the comparative merits of the Arap
bian and the best American horses, with the
general conclusion that our average horse is
much superior to the ayerage Arabian or “ horse
of the desert.” We quote: “ The exceptional
Arabian is a fine fellow, but apart from a cer—
tain attractiveness which we readily grant him,
I do not think that the best Arabian is nearly
as good as the best hunter, the best trotter, the
best racer, or the best saddle-horse of England
or America; and I am quite sure that I would
stake my money on a hundred bronchos of the
American plains against a hundred Arabians of
the Syrian Desert on a pull of one or two hun~‘
dred miles under conditions fair to each. This
may be a strong statement but I believe it to be
a just one.”

The colonel is a capital authority on such mat-
ters. The Arabian of the Bedouins is, he as-
sumes, superior to the Syrian horse, and the
best breeds are carefully preserved, so that it is
difficult to secure a stallion or mare of certain
strains; but his inference seems to be that even
the best strain is not by any means the best
horse in the w rld. Colonel Cody has this best
strain on his orth Platte ranch. It also has
been imported by a number of breeders, yet, so
far as we are aware, no great results have been
attained in giving to our own eminent breeds or
strains any perceptible good quality that may
be imputed to Arabian blood.

Colonel Dodge makes another statement that
is a surprise, when he says the entire number of
Bedouins, Of all the tribes, does not exceed
25,000. As their range is over the Great Desert
of Sahara, and over the Great Arabian Desert
in winter, and into .Syria in summer, the num-
ber named would make as meager a showing as
if the Sioux Indians were spread over the coun-
try from the Mississippi to the Pacific. SO we
don’t understand why these desert nomads
should be the power they are or why they should
be regarded as even a factor, in African and
Asian civilization.

TRAIN robbery in the true Wild West has
for years been a by no means infrequent di—
version, and the “profession” of train robber
has, by reason of its monetary success and im-
munity from the accident of arrest or bodily
injury, become so popular that the robber has
drifted over the Missouri and Mississippi to
operate in Illinois and Michigan. We shall
doubtless hear of him, ere long, in the wilds of
the Alleghanies, and some day shall be told that
he is in a position to express his views on the
currency movement in Pennsylvania. The
writer of detective stories will have to drop the
moonshine and counterfeit business and the
Molly Maguire seances indigenous to the Alle-
ghanies and “ catch on "to the four jolly brigands
whose prowess is equal to the “ clean-out” of a
ten-car train, and a “ta! ta 1” to sheriffs, mar-
shals and constables galore.

letter-pad Papers.

My Professions.

I HAVE followed many professions in my life-
time.

Ahout my first profession was a profession of
love to a very young miss. I told her I would
be willing to die for her; she told me she would
be very lad if I would do so immediately. As
that ro essiou didn’t look like it would pay, I
rem died‘i’t’.  '  . "  W

Then I professed Dentistry. As I was horribly
handsome, there was a great rush of young la-
dies to have their teeth pulled; some even went
so far as to have the teeth pulled out of their
combs, for which I charged fifty cents apiece
and no growling. —

A man once came up with the toothache and
wanted tooth pulled; said he he didn’t know
which one it was, but that I ought to know. I
told him I thoughtI could get the right one.
Took hold of one at a guess; tooth wouldn’t
come; jerked him out of the chair; hauled him
all around the room: held him out of a window
and shook him; tooth came, he went; struck the
sidewalk without cause or provocation. Coro-
ner got out a habeas corpus and arrested the
jury, brought in a verdict against ‘me for will-
ful suicide, with intent to kill; admitted me on
bail; told me they would give me twenty days
to quit the business, or they would give me
twenty days on bread and water. Concluded to
let people’s teeth ache.

I next went to doctoring: had a good many
cases to treat, among them some extreme] hard
cases. Some of my creditors said I trea them
shamefully. Some of my friends said I didn’t
treat them Often enough. Used the bread-pill in
desperate cases, but, as it is written, “ Thou shalt
not live by bread alone,” some of my patients
died. Most of my patients (as I was very meth-
odical) were classified Off into lots—in the ceme-
tery. Legislature assed a resolution to send
me against the rebe ious Indians, asserting that
I would soon lay Lo! every one of them. People
bought all my medicines for rats, and I quit in
disgust. .

Seamanship was one of my professions. I was
Rear Admiral on a tug that blew up in New
York Bay, and experienced my first drowning
sensations. ,I felt a kind of sinking feeling when
I was going down; didn’t seem to care a cent
for the five-dollar bill I had in my pocket; felt
it was all up with me before I got clear down;
experienced a terrible closeness Of the air down
there; much difficulty in breathing. Then two
or three sins of my life rose up before me. I
dreadfully regretted a weak moment in my life
when I had been inducad to tell a story about
something or other. I mourned the time I
came pretty near not being honest in a trade;
but, when I recalled the fact that I had once
given an old pair of slippers, on a winter day,
to a starving, wooden-legged beggar, a feeling
of tranquillity came over me, and I took a comb
out of my pocket and smoothed my hair. It
was very sultry down there, and not much air
stirring. It seemed like I had lain there a week,
but I don’t think it was more than two hours,
when I opened my eyes and saw a baited fish-
hook hanging vary close above my head. Some-
body was fishing. A sudden thought seized me;
I seized the hook and gave a big jerk. The
man thought he had got a whalin bite, and
pulled like a mule kicking. When 9 got me
to the top he thought he had cau ht a mermaid
sure, and fainted and fell back in is boat.

I have never been drowned since, I will give
you my word for it; but I’d rather be drowned
in a dry mill-pond than in a wet one.

I Opened a school to instruct a class of young
men in the delightful and extremely popular
science of getting alon in this world without
paying anything. My c ass was very large, and
progressed so well that at the end of the term
tbs; all went off and failed to pal; me.

hen I was out among the igger Indians,
lecturing to that noble tribe on the pleaslng
topic of Phrenology, they took a phrenologic
notion just after one of my lectures to have my
scalp, but wanted to cut it a little too thick—
just under m chin. I objected, and a terrific
fight ensued, in which I took the leading part.
It was the most exciting chase that I ever par-
ticipated in. I went over more ground than all
my lectures put together covered, under the
apprehension of coming to a conclusion which I
didn’t like. 1 went so fast that it seemed like
there was a hurricane blowing, although it was
a calm day. When they fired their rifles after
me, the balls would keep along after me for a
long distance, but could never catch u with me.
Every jump I made was thirty-two eat in the
clear; but I made my escape.

When I followed sculpturing I would frequent-
ly carve a man’s statue out of a piece of marble
so perfect as to create confusion—the statue
would walk ofi’, and the man would take its
place and never find it out.

On account of my well-known bravery I was
elected a professor in a military. institute. We

had a battery of wooden cannon, with which I
taught the boys how to taken. battery of any
number Of guns in an engagement, single-hand-
ed. I made each one take a saber, march boldly
up, adjust his necktie rightly, cut the captain 5
head off, run the lieutenant through the body,
out off both the sergeant’s arms, kill each one Of
the gunners separately, stop awhile to see if any
more of the enemy would come up, then take
the cannon under his arm, and walk away With
it, whistling Yankee Doodle. I taught each boy
this maneuver, so that, in the next war we have
with England, it will be perfectly useless for her
to send cannon over here.

When I was ProfeSSor of Natural Science and
Belles-lettres I discovered that cold weather was
caused in a great measure by the abserice of
those ingredients which, in conformity With the
laws of nature, are vitally necessary to make it
warm, and not wholly to the invention of ther-
mometers, as some philosophers assert. I also
discovered that heat was nothing more than air
with the cold extracted from it. Rains I found
out were caused by making too great prepara—
tions for picnics; and grass, I discovered, grew
green because it was more natural than any
other color, and looks nicer to the eye.

But the profession which I have adhered the
longest to is the profession of a gentleman. I
know that I am one, for I have compared myself
with some of my neighbors and seen what a
great contrast there is. I had no idea I was so
much of a gentleman before. It quite surprised
me. But, I have never made any money by It,
and wouldn’t urge any of my friends to follow
it exclusively for a livelihood. It is a principle
which, in this modern age, most men hang up
on a hook next to their new coat, and only take
down when they take the coat down.

PRESERVED POTTS, P. H. D.

Wine of the Wits.

WANTED AN ACCOMMODATION.

TRAMP—“ Is dis de American Loan an’ Trus
Company?” ‘

Clerk—“ Yes, sir.”

Tramp—~“ Well, I’m an American, an’ I Wish
you would loan me fifteen cents fer about two
weeks. I want t’ make apayment. on a bone
around th’ corner.”—Judge.

“’HEN THE FUN BEGINS.

MRS. LUSHFORTH—“ I suppose you think it
is a lot of fun for me to sit up and wait for you
while you are enjoying yourself with your 00m-
panions down-town?”

Mr. Lushforth—“ NO, m’dear, I don’t think it
is any fun for you at all. I know as well as
anybody that your fun begins after I’ve got
home.”—Pht’ladelphia Press.

HIS VERSION OF IT.

“ WHY in thunder didn’t you make a whole
day of it instead of staying only three
hours?” began the irate business man, as the
ofiice-boy sauntered in from a four—block trip.

“PleaSe, Mr. Banks,” responded the delin—
quent, “ didn’t you tell me when I first started
in that staying qualities was just what a boy
needed in business?”-—Indianapolis Journal.

HE WAS BUSINESS.

THE piano organist had put his whole soul
into his performance. A small coin was thrown
him, and he accepted it with a bow and a smile.
Then an expression Of doubt swept over his
face, and be advanced to within speaking dis-
tance.

“ Excuse me,” he said, “ but you tella me one
t’ing‘. if you lie.”

“ Vhat is ti”

“ You see, you new customer of mine. I
wish you tell me i‘.‘ you pay (or "rather tune or:
for me to go ’wuy. "~-4 'Irir'mm "I'ribunc.

LITERAI. (\uurunm'a.

- HE ate his lunch at one of thosa feederies
where you help yourself at the counter. When
he was done he went to the cashier’s desk and
asked:

“ How much i”
The cashier pointed to a sign which read:

“ Please tell what you ate.”

He looked at it and then said:

“ Ham sandwich and a piece of custard pie.”

“ Didn’t you have a cup of coffee?”

66 Yes.”

“ Why didn’t you say so, then i”

“ The sign doesn’t say you must tell what you
drink—St. Paul Globe.

A GOOD CATCH. -

THE boy was sitting by a very disre utable-
looking stream, over which passed a smal bridge,
and he was evidently fishing. A suburban
policeman passed by.

“ What are you doing there?” he asked.

“ Fishin’,” said the boy, intently watching the
water.

“ There’s no fish there,” ventured the officer.

“ I know it.”

“ What are you fishing for then i”

“ Suckers that asks questions,” replied the
boy, “ and I’ve ketched a even dozen in the last
hour.”

The dozenth one hadn’t anything more to say
and thoughtfully moved' on.—Detroz’t Free
Press. ‘

SHE LET HIM IN.

“I SHALL not open the door, Harvardson,”
said the Boston wife, at 2 A. M., “ until I have
satisfactory evidence that you have not been
spending the evening in riotous conviviality.”

“Your precaution, my dear,” replied the
Boston husband, who stood shivering on the
outside, “ is natural, but unnecessa
been in attendance at an unusually Interesting
session of the Zoroaster Club.”

With clear, distinct enunciation he then re-
peated rapidly this passage from Emei son’s
essay on P ato:

“ ‘ Seashore, sea seen from the shore, shore
seen from the sea.’ ”

And the door was thrown open at once.

ON THE WAITING LIST.

AN American bishop, whose praise is in the
churches, tells this story: A collector in a
church In San Francisco, on receiving a shake of
the head instead of a dollar from the hand of
one whom he knew intimately, stopped to re—
monstrate and said:

“ William, you must give something. You’ve
heard what the rector said—it is your duty.”

“ Mv money belongs to my creditors,” said
William.

“ And who is your greatest creditor? To
whom do you owe the mosti” asked the col-
lector.

“well, that’s very true,” replied William;
“but Just now He’s not crowding me quite so
much as the others.”

A STRANGE EXPERIENCE.

“ CYCLONES does some funn thin s ” be
the man with the ginger beard.y g ’ gan

The grocer almost showsd signs of interest,
while the man from Potato Creek stopped pound-
ing his heels against the counter and prepared to

is en.
' “ I was ketched in a cyclone when I was farm-
in’ in Nebrasky that carried me about a mild
high,” continued the man with the ginger beard;
“ but, strange to say, it didn’t damage my clo’es
none. . That is, with one exception. After they
had picked me up an’ poured a little whisky into
me, an’ kinder got me ’round ag’in, they took me
home an’laid me on the bed. My wife, she be-
gun pullin’ off my boots. She tuk one off, an’
then she tuk the other off ; an’ then she says:

“ ‘ W’y, paw; whatever has become of your
socks? I know as well as I’m a-livin’ that you
put ’em on this mornin’.’

“ And so I did; but that there exhibition Of
the resrstless forces of nature, as the paper call-
edit, had ulled off both socks without disurb—
in’ of my oots at all» And that ain’t no lie
neither.’ ’

The man with the ginger beard then wandered
gut, a.de the grocer said to the man from Potato

ree :

“ That there Old cuss never comes in here but
what I always feel like the store was liable to be

 

struck with lightning, or something”?

 

. I have«

 

Correspondents’ Column.

This column is open to all co
In[quiries answered as fully and as prompt] .1
circumstances will permit. Contributions
entered as “declined” ma be considered 
cepted. N 0 M88. return unless stamps m,
inclosed.l ‘

Declined: “ A Chicago Cruise ;” “ Allis Fair,
etc.: “ A Queen’s Strategy _;” “ Gentleman Joe;
“ Working the Fast Limited;” “The WM“
Stag ;” “ The Get-Thar Club ;” “ In Coral Deep.
“ Richer than Rich ;” “ An Imperial Romance,
“ Specific for Nervous Prostration;" “
Central Strike;” “ Testimony of the Con
Pin'” “ The Silver Gum” “A Ten Days'
sagé;” “Cracking the Crib;" “.For the Pm.
Cup, etc. :” “ The Touchstone;" “Knight of
Nights;” “A Realized Dream ;” “Sequ
Seances;” “ Old Times Again;” “Recovered
by a Ruse;” “Sweet 'l‘hirty—five;" “The B
Surround:” “Over the Great Divide;” “Th
Special’s Victory ;” “ A One-horse Affair.”

TRAINER. Twelve pounds a week is a b]
loss.

0. N. T.
paper. ..

BABE. The record was that of experts, m ‘
should say. ‘ ;.

I’A'r'ER. See ITarpcr’s Magazine for the var],
ous school advertisements.

E. H. F. Puts and calls are not investmen
but merely ventures in stocks.

GOOD WILL. Write to the “ Writers’ Literary
Bureau,” Boston. Remit Stamp for reply.

E. It. E. For full answer and various par.
ticulars, see article on “ Staff " on page three.

GARRISH. VVhitewood (commonly called bass; ’2
wood) and spruce are the woods most used for
paper pulp.

SPEER. The prices named for the bulbs are
ridiculously high. Go to some honest florist; he.
will supply you at half such rates. ' ‘

LOTTIE D. N 0 street number address being ‘7) t
given, the letter would go to the “ general de- 
livery.” Always be particular to give correct
address.

KOENIG. The word “ imported ” means
brought from another country. Of course yo
cannot call American goods imported, there-4",
fore it was a swindle. “

JENNESS M. No “cheap library ” 1publishes7'
books on a percentage with authors. he profit
is so small on each issue as to make such an ar-
rangement impossible.

MIDWINTER. A foreigner cannot become
full citizen in less than five years, but in many _.
of the Southern and Western States he can be- ‘5 ;
come a voter after he has taken out his first.
papers. ‘

K. M. Very thin paper is quite undesirable .
for manuscript. Always use good ink and g
per in press writing. “ Commercial note” is at;
very convenient size for compositor and proof-l .
reader.

MARK T. C. Bouillon is either eaten with
s oon or taken as a drink; but no one with an
clhim to intelligence or good manners would
drink soup. Always eat soup with a tablespoon
and eat it noiselessly. g;

GUNTOWN. We know of no evening medical f ,
college in this city. Evening classes in law are ‘
conducted 1) the Metropolis Law School, Olin-
ton Hail, l) ercantile Library Building, Astor
place. Apply to Clarence l). Ashley, Secretary,
:ll 1 Broadway. "

BEN F. A. Your namesake, Benjamin F - f‘
lin, was. a printer and publisher, c. invent; 
statesman, a diplomatlst, and the founder of t ‘ '5
University of Pennsvlvania. i'is autobiogra Mu
(Iloughton, Mil’flln & (lo, M i'critr) wrll tell 1”,
more about him. 

DAN ll. U. The Federal Government 0L,
President has no control ovnr the State militia}
unless it has gone into the Federal service; nu, .
can any Governor send the militia of his State "
into another State without the assent or au-
thority of such State.

DISPUTED. Spoonfuls is right. S nful
was doubtless formed as a compound 0 spood
and full, but it is no longer to be regarded as ,
compound word. It is a simple word, the name p.
of a measure, and its plural is to be formed in l 
the usual way—spoonfuls.

M. L. F. As the pay is for services actuall

Write to some San Francisco

 I
M -

v i
«.3, .
.._

'r
.

rendered, let the party haVe the privilege 

paying in his own way therefor, otherwise lie

may think you wish to have him feel under 5‘-

obligations to you. It is your right to receiv
as it ought equally to be his right to give.
COMMITTEE CLERK. It was Jackson. In his
very first message he announced “ ‘
office” to be a' leading Democratic principle,
and he lived u to his declaration, for from
Jackson’s time ates the revival of the famous
saying “To the victors belong the spoils.” -‘
ENSIGN J. The child having been born on
British territory may consider himself an En
lishman by right Of his birthplace, or an Amati: - i
can by reason of his father’s nationality, but in -

any event the English courts would have 8018. .‘

jurisdiction, and no American process or intflr ‘
ference would avail.

SAUNDERSON. “J ettisoning her cargo,”
menns throwing overboard the Cargo to arm I
the ship. For the cargo so lost the insurance is
held liable. Goods so jettisoned, if recovered,
are termed flotsam—that is, found floatingzor
when found drifted ashore. are called jetsam and
belong to the party who finds or recovers them.

DISCOURAGED. Yes, Colombia (South Ameri-
ca) has advertised for emigrants. Write to

Carlos A. Merlano, Cartagenu, Colombia, 8. A, ,v r
President of the Society to Encourage Immigm-  '

tion. This society is subsidized by the Govem ‘
ment; it wants especially farm hands and mo-
chanics. The fare to Cartagena by the Athl;
Line steamer is $75.

TRANSLATOR. Quite possible. If the book

was a success, that was fortunate for you. Of A a ‘

course publishers do sometimes make mistakes "
as to what will sell and what will not; but, as 5
rule, no poorer books are Offered than tremb-
tions, so far as sales are concerned, and that ll
what determines the publisher’s choice. Whit

don’t eell he avoids, no matter what the litorsry
merit.

VEEMONT. “The Currency, Financial and
Banking Laws of the United States," by C. Fu‘
Dunbar, is valuable; it gives no notes or lili-
torical matter, but simply the laws (Ginln &
Co... $33); McLaughlin’s ‘ lii-Metulism in Ill.
United States” ($2.25), and Bolles’s“Flnanclal
History of the United States, 1774 to 1885 (8
vols., $0.50), are published by Appleton—«Nod!
to your second query or inference. England?
effect on our financial legislation is not great,
and as a rule is indirect, and exerted bythi
banks and bankers who reflect the O inlon 0f
the London and Continental capital ate a C
kind of commercial necessity.

CORNELL Sorrr. ()ld Catholics is the mum
which was assumed in Germany by the mem-
bers of the Roman Catholic Church op '30
the dogma of Papal infallibility, headed by
Professor Dollinger of Munich. After thl‘“
days’ conference at Munich, September, 1871
they decided to set up independent worship, 31“
meeting in a church given them by the town
council of Munich. The Abbe Michaud began ‘
similar movement in Paris in February, 1872., . .
In March of the same year Dr. Dolllnga' '
preached in favor of union with the Churchof

in land. ' Pere Hyacinth, president of the

at ome, issued a programme about May 5,1
respecting the Vatican decrees. recognmfll
ecc esiastical authorities, demandin refO. ‘
yetoptposmg schism. The Old Catho cselec 
thg‘ir rst bishop, Dr. Joseph Reinkens, Jnfiolo «1.;
184.3, and he was recognized b the Germ 
Emperor and other European ru era. The“ 
Old Catholic Church was opened in Berlin" .
November 30, 1874. In 1875 there were In Pm“ '1'

about 2mm Old Catholics out of about 8.000.000  '
Roman Catholics. 

j ._