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«silks Banner wastage»:

 

The Baring Weekly.

Published every Saturday morning at nine o'clock.

 

NEW YORK, MARCH 14, 1896.

 

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a' All communications subsori tions and let-
tors on business should be addressed, to ’

BEADLE AND ADAMS. Punmsuns.
98 Wmunr 8'12. Nsw Yon.

 

IN OUR NEXT 2

 

A Wild West, Mining-Camp Nugget .’
A Story of Heroic Men and Heroic Deeds!
A Romance of Romantic Life in the Ranges!

By Jos. E. Badger, Jr.

Giving us a series of characters that only
one who knows could portray and a series of
high-dramatic scenes that would be possible
nowhere else in the world than in the great
hills of the Wild West. It is named:

Foot Hills Frank,
THE FANCY SPORT;

OR,
THE RIVAL ROAD RAIDERS.

A United States paymaster, going to Fort
Green, with a big sum of money, meets with
strange disaster, and out of his mishap
springs a line of incident, act and adventure
that is “ mighty lively ” reading.

The hero, Fancy Frank, is a typical sport,
but he is more—he is a perfect original; and
in his pard, the apparently lazy, listless
Speed Harness, scout and trail finder, the
author has struck a new‘ character—one that
“ pans out ” pure gold before the romance is
ended.

The whole story is just alive with new
elements and will be a great treat in the
reading, as all of Mr. Badger’s fine produc-
tions are.

 

Happy-Go-lucky Papers.

A Veritable Cherub.

My around-on—the—next-block neighbor,
Podgers, is the proud parent of a highly
interesting young son, who will event-
ually reach Congress or—the peniten-
tiary, I am not certain which.

Little Johnny is only eight years old,
but his fond progenitors imagine that he
already knows considerably more than
the man who constructed the cyclopedia;
and so he does—more mischief. I guess
that is the only point on which little
Johnny has the best of the cyclopedia
man.

However, his doting parents look upon
their enterprising son as a little tin
Solomon on wheels; and they regard
everything he says or does as marking
an epoch in the history of the world.

Perhaps they are right, Johnny may
be an angel and all that, as his loving
parents fondly assert; but I have noticed
that he manages to keep people mighty
uncomfortable when he is around.

For example, the other evening I
went down to talk over the political ques-
tions of the day and other matters with
Podgers. I had not been there in some
time; in fact, this was my first call at
the Podgers mansion since little Johnny
had expanded, as it were, and developed
his wonderful and alarming precocity
and smartness.

I received my first intimation of pre-
cious little Johnny’s ingenuity when I
attempted to ring the bell. Walking up
to the front door I confidently grasped
the handle of the bell and gave it a jerk;
and the next minute I suddenly stag-
gered back with the bell handle in my
handand a look of amazement in my
face. It was so unexpected that I came
near falling backward down the steps,
and for an instant I was so dazed that I
couldn’t tell exactly what had happened.
I wasn’t sure at first whether I had re-
ceived an electric shock or some one had
hit me in the back of the neck with a
sand—club.

But presently I was brought to myself
by the rippling laughter of childhood
floating forth from one of the upper win-
dows, and looking up I beheld little
Johnny with a. seraphic, seven-by-nine
smile on his youthful countenance.

Then Podgers, Senior, put in an ap-
pearance and opened the door.

I handed him the bell-handle, and he
calmly screwed it back on with the com-
plaisant remark that “dear little in-
genious Johnny was up to his innocent
tricks again.”

And then he laughingly explained that
Johnny’s grandmother had gone out to
purchase a shad for breakfast, and the
dear, kind, thoughtful youth had rigged
the bell up in that way just to see the
old lady tumble and drop her fish when
she came back! And Podgers exultantly

 

 

chuckled to himself to think what a
smart youngster Johnny was getting to
be.

“ I didn’t want to disturb Podgers's un-
ruffied serenity and make him feel bad,
but I couldn’t help asking him if he
didn’t think an old-fashioned larruping
would do his playful offspring a world
of good and teach him better than to put
up such jobs on his poor old grand-
mother?

Podgers looked horrified.

“ What! Larrup my innocent little
Johnny? I’d just like to see any one try
it! No, sir, I believe in letting the little
fellow enjoy himself and get all the
amusement he can in Childhood’s happy
hours. He will grow up soon enough
and have to go to Washington and help
run the affairs of the nation, or edit a
great newspaper, or write books, or per-
haps lecture, or something of that sort;
and then he will have plenty of care on
his shoulders, I am sure, so I tell him to
go in and enjoy life in his harmless and
sportive way while he can. Only the
other day he took the carving-knife and
cut off our pug dog Fido’s tail; his grand-
mother tried to stop him, but I inter-
fered and told her it wouldn’t do to have
Johnny’s fun cur-tailed in that way!
Ha! ha! ha! Pretty good joke, wasn’t
it? ”

And Podgers kept rambling on in this
way about his vivacious and wonderful
heir while he led the way to the parlor.

Johnny had got there ahead of us.
He was concealed behind the door, and
when we passed through he sprung out,
upset a. chair against my legs, and gave
vent to a whoop that would have done
credit to a Sioux Indian. He startled
me so that I jumped half-way across the
room, dropped my cane and hat and
came near falling headlong over the
center-table.

“Ah! Johnny, you’re here, are you!”
complacently exclaimed Mr. Podgers.
“ Mr. Nuff wasn’t expecting to see you
and you came near giving him a start.
You had better run out and play in the
yard now, Johnny.”

But Johnny wasn’t in the mood for
playing in the yard just then. He had
other and more important business to
attend to. He didn’t budge an inch in
compliance with his indulgent father's
suggestion—not a single solitary inch.
Instead, he coolly took a seat in a cor-
ner and prepared to take in the con-
versation and improve his young mind;
and also improve the opportunity to en-
joy a little “ innocent amusement” if he
got a chance.

Podgers and I were just getting
warmed up in a spirited discussion on
the next Presidency, and had forgotten
all about the presence of little Johnny,
when a cold, clammy object apparently
dropped from the ceiling, and struck me
in the back of the neck, and slid slowly
down along my spinal column inside of
my clothes. I got up very suddenly and
danced about like a barefooted boy who
has stepped on a hornet, to the intense
amusement-of Johnny and his father,
until the clammy object gradually
worked its way down inside my pant-leg
and tumbled out on the floor and then
hopped away across the room.

“It’s only Johnny’s pet toad,” consol-
ingly remarked Podgers, as I resumed
my seat. “ It’s perfectly harmelss,
though I suppose it gave you a shock at
first. Johnny will have to be more care-
ful; but he is so enterprising, and I sup-
pose he was trying to teach it to walk
on the chandelier again when it tumbled
on you. That is what he said the other
day when it fell down his grandmother’s
back and nearly frightened her into a
catnip fit. Little Johnny is so cunning;
he’d keep you laughing half of the time
if you lived in the same house with him.
Only the other night he put his frog to
soak in the water pail, and when the
hired girl went to take a drink she
nearly swallowed it;,and then she got
mad about nothing, and boxed Johnny’s
ears, and we had to discharge her. - I
won’t have a girl around that tries to
interfere with Johnny’s amusements. If
you have got over your nervous start,
now, we will resume our consideration
of the political situation.”

We commenced where we had been in-
terrupted by the toad episode, but some-
how I couldn’t keep my mind on the
subject after that. I was kept too busy
watching little Johnny. Podgers beat
me in every argument right along during
the rest of the evening.

I kept one eye fastened on Podgers,
and the other cautiously roving around
in the direction of his beautiful as well
as dutiful son, and I found it pretty hard
work to keep track of the conversation
and little Johnny at the same time. I
felt as if I was sitting over a powder—mine
which was liable to explode ’most any
time little Johnny took a notion to set
it off. And I naturally enjoyed myself
amazingly all the remainder of the even-
ing! Oh, yes, I felt as cheerful and con-
tended as a condemned criminal who has
just been sentenced to be hung—just
about.

But by eternal vigilance I managed to
escape pretty well. I intercepted some
of his plansbefore he could put them
into execution; and whenever I did so
poor little Johnny was so disappointed
that he would sit quite still for almost a
quarter of a minute with such a sad,
discouraged look on his face that I really
felt sorry for him.

But presently he would brace up and
begin the siege again. During the even-
ing in spite of my watchfulness he con—
trived to jab a darning needle up through
the bottom of my chair, bombard me
several times in the face with a patent
bean-shooter, plug me in the ear with
an apple-core a couple of times, haul my
chair out from under me twice in succes-

sion when I chanced to get up for an:

instant to examine something; and then,
to crown all, when I got up with a sigh
of relief to go home, that toad was
asleep in my high hat, where Johnny
had thoughtfully placed it, and when I
put it on unwittingly the animal woke
up, began clawing around on top of my
head and trying to jump out of the roof
of my hat, and gave me a shock that un-
settled my nerves for a week.

Then I came home. I needed rest and

 

quietude, and felt that that wasn’t the
place to secure them. So I came away.

Podgers, Junior, is a dear little cherub,
but I am afraid his parents allow him to
exert himself ’most too much in enter-
taining visitors.

I think he needs curbing some in this
respect, and the next time I call there I
am going to take along a double-barreled
shot-gun and give Johnny fair warning
to start with; and then if a certain little
boy about eight years old gets accident-
ally scattered all over the adjacent ter-
ritory, he will have only himself to
blame for it.

Yours aggressively,
NOAH NUFF.

#

letter-psi Papers.

Afier a. Policy.

He was a seedy, over-ripe specimen of
an Insurance dead-beat; a living person-
al example of a bad policy, got up on an
unreformed plan. His brains wouldn't
average one inch to the foot, but his
sublime brass went two miles to the
inch. He was full of statements, and
figures, and could talk you into apo-
plexy in ten minutes, and then call for
another victim. You couldn’t shut him
up any more than you could shut up a
door in a new house, and when he’d be-
gin he didn’t know where to stop any
more than a stranger in a strange town
and the hotel bursted.

The other day this agent went to call
on old Fizzem, who was exasperatingly
rich and carried no policy, but was good
for 10,000, anyway, if he could be in-
duced. The agent approached his domi—
cile, grabbed the door-bell and jerked
the servant girl to the door, who ushered
him into the presence of Fizzem, and the
following scene ensued:

Agent. Good-morning, Mr. F. I came
to talk a little Insurance this morning,
and—

Fizzem. I have no time to spare, sir;
pleaSe call another time.

Agt. Yes, time is short, that is the
reason everybody should take out a pol—-

F. But I am very busy, sir.

Agt. Yes, I see you are all business,
and as a business man you will not fail
to see that a p01— '

F. You don’t require any policy on
your cheek, sir. "

Agt. Indeed, you are right, sir, but—

F. I would be glad if you would have
more immediate business elsewhere, and
were on the hunt of it.

Agt. I wanted‘you to see our new
rates, and——

F. I would be pleased if you would
shut my front door from the outside.

Agt. Please do not get hasty, as I
came to stay a short time with you only,
and give you such an insight into the
beauties of Life Insurance that will in-
duce you to—

F. Sir, you will feel dreadfully put
out about the second thing you know.

Agt. My dear friend, I never allow my-
self to be out of humor, and—

F. If you are not insured yourself,
then you had better evacuate these
premises, or I will not be responsible for
the accidents that might be incurred.

Agt. I hold an accident policy, sir, and
am not alarmed; but I shall not allow
myself to leave without the pleasure of
enlarging on our new plans of Life In—

F. I suppose I will be in need of a
policy if you remain much longer. Can
you not take a hint?

Agt. Yes, I can take a. hint; but if
you would take a policy in our company
it would be a fair exchange, and I would
bear anything.

F. You can take anything you please,
but- only .leave the house, or I will be
compelled to show you the direction of
the door that leads to the street.

Agt. Calm yourself, sir.
twenty per cent. below any other com—
pany; our assets. beyond others, and our
li—

F. Yes, your lie is beyond all others I
ever heard. I have wasted too much
time with you 8.1— ‘

Agt. Mr. Fizzem, all time wasted this
way is gained. I can offer— .

F. Your hatis in your hand, sir, and
the sound of your receding feet would
be peculiarly pleasant to my cars at this
moment

Agt. Our new plan consists of——

F. A small bit of your absence would
satisfy me more than your presence at
the present moment, and if you stay here
you will get my application very quick.

Agt. I, sir, am yours to command, but
I cannot see how I am to leave here
without taking your policy for a good
sum. Think of your children and your
wives.

F. Think of yourself. It seems to me
that your are inclined to be impudent.
My wives! .

Agt. Not in the least, sir. A Life In-
surance agent has never been known to
be so. Modesty was the bane of our
family ever since they started out.

F. Sir, if you wish to make a new
start into the world you will have no
better chance, and you can start now by
way of that door.

Agt. Our company is entirely new—

F. Yes, but you are getting to be old,
and I prefer to hear the echo of your
feet down the corridors of time, and also
down my front steps.

Agt. But, Mr. Fizzem, I called upon a
visit of solicitation, and beg to offer a
few— ‘

F. I beg to excuse myself for you
leaving so abruptly, but the fact is, Mr.
Agent, that you are untimely called
away and cannot stay longer, although
you are very sorry for it, and I accept
all untold apologies. The front door
opens from the inside in case of fire or

; other frantic exits, and the way is other-

wise clear.

Agt. Please accept a chair, Mr. Fiz-
zem, and be seated. I offer you the hos-
pitalities of your house. Make yourself
at home. I_ have abundance of leisure
on my hands and am willing to lose any
amount of time in convincing you that
our comp—~”

F. Sir, your company has already be-

,come obnoxious to me, and I can get

 

 

 

 

We are *

along without it. I do not desire it.
You are running a risk upon which there
is no insurance.

Agt. An Insurance agent never takes
an insult. They are a class of humble
persons who hear and forbear, and oc-
casionally bulldoze, but they mean well,
and always look to the welfare of hu-
manity, for- which they live, move, and
talk, and——

He was suddenly impressed with an
idea that there was a hand grasping’the
collar of his coat, and that he was going
at an Insurance rate toward the door,
with an. occasional kick as if it came
from the hind leg of a Keely motor, and
in the struggle he fairly shed the hall
full of blanks, circulars, pamphlets and
other Insurance documents, and with an
eighty-ton gun kick he was shot through
the front door, and bumped against an
old gentleman, who knocked him down.
He got up astonished at his own power
of endurance, and left, saying that he’d
call the next day.

Fizzem said: “Yes, you call here again
and there will be an Insurance report
and an agent missing. I’ll take your
life, sir, cheaper than you want to take
mine.”

The agent merely looked back smiling,
and wished him good-day.

PRESERVED POTTS. P. H. D.

 

Bannerenes.

-—Duluth, the Zenith city, has heralds
to blow its horn -mightily—to quite
dumbfound its rivals and put to shame
all questioners. " Let us build a shaft, a
monument, a pyramid and a fortress,”
exclaims one of these heralds, “for thy
imperial greatness and glory,” and there-
upon plaee ten million barrels of flour
on end, stretching up to an altitude of
2,000 miles; and what then? Why, “ on
the top let the searchlight of the uni-
verse sweep round the world in se rch

 

of those who cry for bread.” Anyt ing
else? Certainly. Mount boards on
boards, ten feet square in pile, to a

height of eighty miles. Then, whew!
“from the heavens pluck a star, that
we may have a lighthouse that will
guide the mariners of all the world to
its shadow and its safety.” That’s brill-
iant; but there is more to astound, for
he makes a. pyramid of fifty million cubic
feet of iron ore‘ from which to surround
the world in bars of steel; he stacks
grain into a fortress 300 feet in height
and 20 miles in length. All these are
Duluth’s past year’s product, or trade';
and when the herald launches out in a
song of exultation over the Zenith’s
lovely women, fine churches, noble
schools, be literally ravishes the lexi-
con. Hear! “ If one had l'etters propped
as diamond dust from the plane of praise
words wreathed with the fairest flowers
that sincere fidelity finds, sentences be—
decked with the brightest gems of our
pure English, they would still fail to
describe the city of our first and only
love. And this is Duluth.” We congrat-
ulate the News~Tribune on the posses—
sion of such a word slinger.

—“ How this generation is given to
lying,” exclaims the moralist, who be-
holds in every bargain advertisement
a swindle, in every politician a prevari-

cater, in the press a persistent pressure
for sensation and vainglory. Despite
these particularized sources of degener-
acy, however, itis the funny fellows who
do the greatest amount of fact stretch-
ing. They are the wickedest men (and
women!) if prevarication, exaggeration,
and false witness against thy neighbor
are in evidence. Their lampoons on mar-
ried life, on office holders, on the dude,
and the. mother-in-law, on boarding-
houses, on the pretty typewriter and old
maids, on the new woman, on everybody
and everything, are often very funny,
but leave the taste of bitter almonds
in the mouth. These funny-graphers,
like the “poor ye have always with ye
army.” we must treat as a visitation ex—
pressly designed to test our quality of
patience and charity. They make us
see ourselves not as others see us, but
as we appear through a distorted lens, a
mere caricature of human nature.

—The introduction of the beautiful
Mongolian pheasant to our game and
field birds is a great success. They
flourish even- in New England, where

they have so multiplied under careful
protection of the Fish and Game Com-
missioners as to be found in fields,
_copses, woods, swamps—everywhere
‘where their food is to be had. The
Massachusetts Commissioners are en-
thusiastic over the bird’s taste for the
devastating gipsy moth. In the pheas-
ant they discover the enemy of all the
moths and their larvae, so regard them
with especial favor. The State has
breeding grounds at Winchester, where
there are eight large aviaries. From
these preserves the birds, at proper age,
are loosed, and so are spreading rapidly
all oven the country; which'is good news
for sportsmen, for farmers, for fruit and
flower growers, for lovers of beautiful
plumage, and for the gourmand.

—-Why do we not utilize dogs as
draught animals in this country? They
are splendid “ beasts of burden ”-——strong,

intelligent, affectionate, and easy keep-
era, and if hitched to carts would do
an immense amount of work. Abroad
:they are very generally utilized. In
5' Belgium, for instance, over 50,000 are in
édaily harness. In that country there is
;a regular dog market, where the ani-
rmals can be purchased chedply, so im-
; portant are they in the industry of the
g various towns and municipalities. They
fare more abundantly used in Belgium
;than in any other European country,
1 though the donkey holds his own against
them in Southern Europe. A breed of
dogs could be bred that would immense-
ly add to the resources of the draught
. animals of this country. Some day this
will be done, and dog carts be as com-
, mon a“ sight on the highways as they
‘are in Europe. -

 

‘ Bean’s Debtor,”

 

Correspunngfls' Comma.

[This column is open to all correspond-
ents. Inquiries answered as fully and
as promptly as circumstances will per-
mit. Contributions not entered as “de-
clined ' may be considered accepted. No
MSS. returned unless stamps are in-
closed]

Declined: “A Roped-In Chief,” ” The
Detective's Blind,” “In the Cyclone’s
Track," “The Lady of the Frills,”
“Down the Grand Canyon,” “Old Tom
"The Girl Shootist,”
“ Denver Dave’s Debut,” “ The Sorrow of
the Sands,” “A Hostage in the Tolls,"
“ Little Sombrero,” “Over the Range,"
“ Just a Question of Looks."

L. L. S.: New York is not an unhealth-
ful city. On the contrary the death rate
is very moderate—Guns: Yes; a lady at
a Queen's Reception must wear a de-
colleté dress. It is obligatory.——Printer’s
Devil: Chances for typesetters are less
and less favorable, but would stick to
the trade, now that you have started in.
——Ge0rge R. B.: Certainly; a trolley car
can be run either way, forward or back—
ward, by the motorman.—-Heming: Lin-
coln’s birthday is not a “ National Holi-
day." It is legalized in New York State,
however.—Mrs. B. G.: A “ Morning Re-
ception " may occur at any named hour.
from 11 A. M. to 3 P. M.—-Station No. 10.:
The law does prohibit such overwork.
Certainly; demand pay for over hours——
so much per hour.—Nameless: Don't see
how you can. force a reply. There is no
legal method to compel a correspondent
to answer.—-—Fannle P. R... Why should
not a woman physician charge just as
much as a man for her attendance? or
course she should.

Mrs. Edna S.: A woman's standing in
court is not qualified by her sex. Her
testimony unless impeached is wholly
valid—just as conclusive as the testimony
of a man.

Epstein: Only veterans of the War of
the Rebellion have preference in civil
service appointments. Soldiers honorably
discharged from the regular army have
no special claim.

Thomas D.: Cannot answer as to the
“ principle” developed by the discovery.
The ray is a force, a power, an illumin-
ant, though itself wholly unseen. It..is,
as yet, an unknown quantity in physics.

Mrs. Charles R.: We don’t believe the
Jews of any country expect to return to
Palestine. They live where their best in-
terests are to be attained—which would
not be the case in the Holy Land. No
intelligent Jew believes that the Hebrews

ever will become a nation again, any-

where.

Seacom Teacher: The cities of the world
having a population of 1,000,000 or more
each are as follows: London, 4,231,431;
Paris, 2,344,550; New York, 1,801,739;
Canton. 1,600,000; Berlin, 1,579,244; To-
kio, 1,309,684; Vienna, 1,364,548; Chica-
go, 1,438,010; Philadelphia, 1,044,894.

Err-Director: Silver dollars are “ legal
tenders " to any amount. Pennies, three-
cent pieces, and pickels are legal tenders
only to 25 cents in amount; dimes, quar-
ters, and halves to $10. A creditor can
compel a debtor to pay what is legal
tender.

Frank M.: It is against the postal laws
to receive letters sent to a fictitious ad-
dress or name. As the name, however,
is correct, though not the full name, we
suppose the law is not violated. It is
only evaded, and the Postmaster must
deliver. 4

Gregg’s Run Reader: We know of no
“ authoritative ” life of Cleopatra. ‘Too
little is actually known to segregate her
biography from history. She‘ was a Greek;
all the Ptolemies were of Greek origin,
not true Egyptian stook. They all mar-
ried their nearest of kin.
brilliant line_of rulers, whose reign end-
ed with Cleopatra.

Three Boys: The old Continental Con-
gress had no permanent capital or abid-
ing place. The articles of confederation,
indeed, provided for that very state of
things. The Congress was in session at
Philadelphia in December, 1776, but ad-
journed to Baltimore when it became
evident that the British Were likely to
force themselves upon the city. It re-
turned toPhiladelphia, but after the bat-
tle of Bgandywine, September 11. 1777, it
adjourned to Lancaster, and then to
York, Penn.

Gunther.——-Presidential election day is

the first Tuesday in November, which
comes this year on the 3d. The people
do not elect the President nor vote for
any particular candidate. They simply
vote, in each State, for presidential elec-
tors—for the men who alone can choose
the President and Vice-President. The
numbér of these electors, for each State
to elect, is—one for each Congressional
district, one for each U. S. Senator and
two “ at large."
' Miss S. F.: We know nothing of that
"anti-fat” treatment. The best treat-
ment is diet and exercise, abjuring all
medicines and decoctions. Just get a.
bicycle and use it more and more each
day up to the point ‘of fatigue; then stop.
Eat but little sweets and avoid starchy
foods At night, before retiring, take a
sponge bath of water as hot as you can
bear, and rub off with pretty rough towel.
This treatment will bring down flesh to
any desired point if persisted in.

Amateur.-—Do not attempt to grow rare
flowers in your vases. For the vines to
droop over the sides choose German ivy,
Kenilworth ivy, the traling lobelia and
nolana. Then edge the vase with sweet
alyssum, which will trail as much as six
to twelve inches over the brim. You can
then fill it with geraniums, begonias, coiei.
petunias, phlox and hellotropes. These
plants will all stand the sun, and are easy
to raise, and will grow rapidly. Nastur-
tiums, too, are handsome both as to vine
and flower, for vases and standards.

Savannah Reader: The Alabama
claims were paid by Great Britain. The
award of the Court of Arbitration, which
sat at Geneva, Switzerland, was, in the
aggregate, $15,000,000—-$7,000,000 for the

property destroyed by the Alabama and,

the residue for destruction to our com-
merce by the steam cruisers Sumter,
Tallahassee, Nashville, Florida, Georgia,
and Chicamauga. The “ reason why "
Great Britain had to pay was because
these vessels left her ports, equipped and
coaled by British men and money, and
were, in effect, British cruisers.

Joe K.: There was in existence, on Feb.
1, over tw0 thousand million dollars of
“money” in this country, and the
amount actually in circulation was over
firteen hundred millions, made up of coin
and currency. The money in circulation
varies from month to month. There are
about one hundred and twelve millions
in silver (in actual coin) in circulation,
but in silver represented by “certifi—
cates”——which means bills—there are
three hundred and sixty—six million, so
the amount of silverr as to the other
forms of money is nearly one—third of all
our money. Your informant is simply
illy informed on such matters.

They were a '

l.
W.-

 

 

        

    

  
    
     
      
     
   
  
  
   
    
  
    
   
   
  
    
  
     

 

 

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