GONE, BUT NOT LOST.

BY MRS. M. A. KIDDER.

A fair, sweet girl, with sunny hair,
And eyes of tender blue—
She came, and’blessed the world awhile,
Then left it, with a happy smile,
As early violets do.

She was an only child, and blest
With many a maiden grace—

A gentle heart for others’ need,

As one might know who did but read
The sunshine in her face.

Thus, in the rosebud of her youth,
When all the world was gay,

She turned aside from earthly bowers,

To pluck the fair, immortal flowers
Along the angel way.

Now ‘neath sweet Woodlawn’s sylvan shade—
A silent, holy spot—

She sleeps in peace, while every bloom

That softly nods above her tomb
Whispers “Forget me not!”

Ah! many a home in our fair land,
Like hers, has been bereft

Of its one flower so fair and bright,

Transplanted to a world of light,
‘With but the memory left.

A BRUSH WITH MOONSHINERS.

BY EMERSON BENNETT.

The following thrilling narration is from the lips
of a United States Internal Revenue officer :

The secret service of the United States Govern-
ment is no. sinecure, nor are its paths strewn with
roses.

Like the diciples of Loyola, we have to start ata
moment’s notice, and go where we are sent, without
question, without regard to danger, and often with
a@ very meager knowledge of the localities to which
we are assigned.

My line of duty had led me much among the illicit
distillers of the South, familiarly called moonshiners
—though why this misnomer I never could clearly
understand—for their very lives and deeds have all
the darkness of evil, and nothing of the calm poetry
of moonshine about them.

As a class they are ruffianly desperadoes—outlaws
from civilized society—and, like the pirates of the
ocean, the smugglers of the coast, or the bandits of
the mountains, they spend their lives in defiance of
the law, and are always ready to commit the most

heinous crimes, even to cold-blooded murders, to
protect their property, or shield themselves from ar-
rest.

One day I received instructions from headquarters,
to the effect that, from a certain locality in Georgia,
a good deal of whisky was supposed to find its way
abroad without payment of the government tax, and
therefore that there must be one or more places of
secret manufacture, which it was desired to have de-
stroyed as soon as possible. ‘

The locality in question was a wild, mountainous
region, but very thinly inhabited, some portions of
it almost inaccessible to strangers, with lonely
reaches of miles between one neighbor and another.

Iwas not delighted with the prospect before me,
of ferreting out villains in such a region, arresting
and securing them, destroying their property, an
taking the chances against open murder, stealthy as-
sassination, deadly ambuscade, or from the assaults
of confederates, seeking to rescue them after the first
perils should be over. :

There was no alternative, however, except quit-
ting the service. I must either go forward and do
my duty, or resign my position; and so I proceeded
to collect a posse of eight strong, determined men,
and set about the arduous and dangerous task.

Now, to tind illicit distilleries in such a wild region
is not as easy as looking for mountains in the moon;
they are not Sener in conspicuous positions for
everybody to admire; they are not located _on trav-
eled roads and worked in the broad light of day; but,
on the contrary, they are concealed in the deepest,
darkest, wildest, most inaccessible recesses of the
mountains, where they are watched and guarded
with the vigilance which a miser keeps over his bags
of gold; to discover them is no easy task, and to sur-
prise the workers is still more difficult; while to de-
stroy the stills, without arresting the parties, is
merely to brush away the smoke and leave the tire
to burn. j

The proper way to proceed is to take in all the out-
lines of a possible locality, then to divide up the
force, and make cautious, separate explorations,
either singly or in pairs, with some point agreed
upon for the rendezvous, being at the same time
armed to the teeth and provided with food sufficient
for several days. { :

In camping out at night, the summit of some high
elevation is selected, and a at the point of dawn
every one is on the alert, looking in every direction
over the surrounding country for.some thin column
of smoke. d

The reason for this is that the stills are worked in
the night, and the fires put out through the day; but
sometimes, in their eagerness or carelessness, the
workers may run them long enough to be seen at the
tirst flush of dawn. ;

My men and I had spent two days and nights in
the mountainous locality I speak of—had camped out
twice, and surveyed the scene from the summits of
two widely separated mountains, and yet hadfound
no trace whatever of what we sought.

So far our explorations had been made in couples ;
but the third day, in order to cover more ground, I
directed that each should move separately, and all
meet at night, or a little before dark, on the crest of
another mountain which I pointed out.

Late in the afternoon of that day, as I was moving
over the route I had laid out for myself, and was
nearing the acclivity I had fixed on for the night’s
rendezvous, I came to a pasture-like opening among
the hills, and perceived a flock of sheep grazing
there, witha man, who looked like a farmer and

er, advancing toward and calling them,
in ae hand, which, I rightly conjec-

t.
first stranger I had seen since com-

jon, and as he had the appear-
owner, rather than that of an
e proached him and opened

conversation, by im how far I was from a

certain town which named. :

“Well, you are at leasttweve or fifteen miles,” he
civilly answered, ‘“‘and from the way you seem to be
heading, you are going in the wrong direction.”

“Well,” replied I, ‘I am a stranger in these parts;
and having somehow got off from the highway, I

-have been wandering about at random, and have not
been able to find anybody to set me right. How far
am Tnow from the road that will take me where I
want to go?’ f

“About four miles,” he answered, eying me rather
curiously. :

He was a strong, athletic fellow, between thirty
and forty years of age, with long hair, a heavy black
beard, and two very keen, dark eyes.

“Can you set me right ?” I asked.

“T reckon I can.”

“Do you live near here?’

“Tt is about two miles to my shanty,” he answered.

“Have you any neighbors ?”

“None to speak of, stranger—they don’t live very
thickly about here.”

“All farmers, like yourself, I suppose ?”’

“Well, yes, kind of that way.”

Iwas afraid to be too ae at lest he might
suspect my business; so I asked him to be good
enough to direct me to the main road—intending,
when I should get out of sight of him, to steal back
and watch his motions for awhile—though I only had

a faint suspicion that he might be other than he
seemed.

“Just wait a minute and I’ll set you right,” he said,
as he proceeded to place his salt in different little
heaps for his sheep to lick.

Having done this, he came close to me; and point-
ing off down the hill, he said:

“You see that blasted tree, right over yonder,
through an opening in the wood, about a mile off?’

I nodded an affirmative.

“That is where you want to go first,” he continued ;
“and when you get there, you will see what you are
looking for.”

As he said this, he suddenly, with a desperate
spring, before I was aware of his intention, thus tak-
ing me completely by surprise, clutched me by the
throat, tripped my feet, and hurled me backward
upon the ground with stunning force, he at the same
time falling upon me, and, in spite of all my strug-
gles, choking me until I became weak and_faint, and
everything began to turn dark. ‘

Then, almost in the time it takes me to tell of it,
he produced a strong cord and bound me, hand and
foot, muttering, with a savage oath:

“You scoundrel! I’ve got you now! and if you
ever get away to tell of this exploit, you shall be
welcome to all you and your government thieves can
make out of it! You thought you were going to sur-

_ prise us; but you now find yourself mistaken, and
will soon get a touch of mountain law!”

 “T suppose you intend to rob me,” I managed to

gay, “and so you pretend Iam somebody you suspect

of something.” i

He looked at me sharply, remarking:

 

4 '
“T don’t thinkI am mistaken, but if Iam Ill set

you free.”

He then proceeded to search my person, finding
two six-shooters and a bowie-knife. ,

oe don’t represent a peaceful traveler!” he
said,

“They are what a peaceful traveler needs in this
infernal region !’”’ was my retort.

Hethen drew forth my pocket-book, and discovered
that it contained no very large amount of money,
and no secret papers or memoranda.

“Are you satisfied now that you are mistaken in
me ?” I asked.

‘Not quite yet,” he replied; “I'll look a little fur-
ther ; but if I find nothing, as I said before, I'll let
you go.’

He searched through all my pockets, examined the
inside of my coat and vest, and seemed about satis-
fied, when his hand felt something under my shirt.

“Hallo! I reckon I’ll discover the truth of your vis-
it here now !” he exclaimed, at the same time draw-
ing a knife, cutting my garment open, and pulling
forth a large envelope, which contained my instrue-
tions from Washington in regard to this locality.

“You see I made no mistake when I took you for a
government spy,’ he proceeded, as he finished a
hasty perusal of the document; ‘“‘and unless I do
make a mistake now, you’ll never have the honor of
returning a report to this order.” : ;

He then walked away, and left me lying bound on
the ground.
~He had proceeded only a short distance when I
heard a shrill whistle.

He then returned to me, and a few minutes later
some half a dozen rough-looking fellows appeared
upon the scene, and were shown the papers that had
been taken from my person.

Aiter a brief consultation among themselves, my
feet were released, and I was marched between two
of them toward the very mountain which I had fixed
upon for our night’s rendezvous. :

As it was now near night, and some, if not allof my
men had probably arrived at their destination, the
course taken by the outlaws gave me a faint hope that
I might be seen and rescued, if- not murdered too
soon.

Asif to increase my chance of a rescue, they as-
cended the mountain to near the summit, when they
came to a ledge of rocks, at the base of which was a
cave, into which I was taken.

After another consultation, the man who had cap-
tured me informed me that I had been condemned as
a government spy, and sentenced to be shot, which
would take place on the return of their captain, who
was then away.

My feet were once more bound. I was stretched
upon the hard rocks, and for a time left alone to ru-
minate upon my doom.

I will not attempt to describe my feelings at the
thought of being thus cut off in the prime of life, but
leave them tothe imagination of those who may
peruse the incidents I am relating.

Night gradually came on, and when it had become
quite dark inthe cave, four men returned to me,
bearing torches, and two of them proceeded to gag
and blindfold me.

_ was then carried into the open air, placed in a
sitting posture upon the ground, with my back
against a rock.

_ A stern voice then addressed me in the following
impressive language:

“Edward Williams, you havecome into this region
asaspy. You have been taken as aspy. Proofs of
your guilt have been found on you. You have been
condemned as a spy, and asa spy you will now be shot.
Your grave has already been dug, and your last
minute has come. Make ready, men!” he proceeded,
addressing his band; and I heard the ominous clicks
of their locks as they obeyed the murderous order,
“Take aim !—fire !”

With the last word there was a loud explosion, I
felt something like a shock, and fora long time I
knew nothing more.

What followed I subsequently learned from others.

My men, it seems, had all reached the rendezvous
on the crest of the hill above the cave, and the last
proceedings of the outlaws had been seen by them,
but not in time for them to rescue me unharmed.

Under cover of darkness they swiftly and noise-
lessly descended and surrounded the desperadoes,
poured into them a terrific volley, and rushed for-
ward, with savage yells, taking them completely
by surprise.

The leader and two others were killed, four others
were captured, two of them badly wounded, and only
one made his escape.

They then examined me, and, finding life was not
extinct, had me properly cared for.

The captured outlaws were subsequently tried and
sentenced to long terms of imprisonment, their illicit
distilleries were found and destroyed, and the gov-
ernment has neyer since been troubled by moon-
shiners in that precise section.

I gradually recovered; but it was along time be-
fore my physicians pronounced me out of danger.

Iam now engaged in another department of the
secret service, and have no desire to ever again be
dispatched on another such dangerous mission as
the one which so nearly cost me my life.

AN AMAZONIAN QUEEN.

BY ROGER STANHOPE.

 

On board a fine vessel, sweeping out of the delight-
ful harbor of Capetown, with the broad brow of
Table Mountain, the pretty, white houses of the old
Dutch colony, and nearly a month of delightful rem-
iniscences, in our rear, with every stitch spread for
the fag-ends of the trade-wind, and far-away Liver-
pool for our prospective haven of rest.

What a delightful voyage that was along the lower
Gold Coast, with only one stoppage, at St. Paul de
Loando, where we took in a valuable invoice of bulk-
ivory!

It was, fortunately, the breeziest and most delight-
ful—or, rather, most endurable—season of that fever-
haunted coast, and we were congratulating our-
selves on the prospect of a fine passage throughout.
But, upon reaching the Bay of Benin, we found our-
selves becalmed, and in company with the British
sloop-of-war Anjou, which was cruising for slavers.

We roasted slowly. When a puff of wind would
come from the heated coast, it felt like the breath of

a furnace, and we soon had three of our crew down
with the fever.

The officers and men on board the ‘sloop, which
had been on the station for over a year, were so
heartily sick of the service that they condescended
to fraternize with even the ship’s company of an
ignoble merchantman, Our captain dined frequently
with the lieutenant in command of the sloop, and we
frequently met her men in our expeditions to the
coast in search of fruits and vegetables.

The lieutenant, in addition to a,chronic ill-temper
from years of disappointment in obtaining promo-
tion, was at this time especially soured on account
of having received the ‘“go-by” from a shrewd
acu slaver a few days before our anchorage in
the bay.

He ascribed the cause of this mishap—the intelli-
gence of which would not be likely to enhance his
prospects of promotion in the old-fogy minds of the
British Admiralty Board—to Kulah, the Queen of
the Youriba, a tribe of cannibals, mostly Amazons,
occupying the interior of Guinea, about eighty miles
back of Benin, and adjoining the eastern boundary
of Dahomey, of bloody and more recent fame.

The Youriba was one of those warlike tribes which
earned a subsistence by marauding upon the more
mild and peaceful negroes, in order to furnish cap-
tives for the numerous American, Portuguese, and
Spanish slavers that at that time flitted like evil
dreams along the coast all the way from Liberia to
the mouth of the Congo River, and they had several
supply stations in the Delta of the Niger. The
Amazonian army of Kulah, the queen, was said to
number fifteen hundred, and she was represented to
be a leader of singular courage and crude genius.

“As soon as I get wind of another slaver ’ll know
she is on the coast with a batch of captives from the
interior,’ said the lieutenant-commander of her
majesty’s sloop-of-war Anjou; ‘‘and’ poison my grog
with water if I don’t let the craft slip, creep ashore
with my marines, and give the she-devil and her
crew a warming up that will make ’em sea-sick for a
eentury !’

The opportunity occurred much sooner than he ex-
pected. We had not been becalmed at the mouth of
the Niger for more than a week, than afriendly canoe
from the cape brought intelligence that a Portuguese
schooner had entered the northern inlet of the delta
two nights previously, and was waiting for a human
invoice from the Youriba tribe.

The next evening, the commander of the sloop, with
his first and second officers, eighty marines, and
twenty-four seamen, landed on the northern bank of
the Niger, about two miles from the mouth, and I
was lucky enough to have the helm of the gig of Cap-
tain Markham, who followed up the river to see the
fight.

The old lieutenant was shrewd enough to know that
the slaver had entered a comparatively unfrequented
inlet of the delta merely as a ruse, and that he must
really enter the main stream in order to deal with
Youriba. He placed his men in ambush almost with-
in gunshot of the principal collection of slave-kraals,
without discovery. They lay there all night, and lost
two of the marines from the bites of the cobra de ca-
pello, and we lurked as near the bank as we dared.

I never saw a sheet of water so utterly infested
with sharks as was the Niger at that time. They
swam all around us, and now and then our frail keel
would bump disagreeably on their stiff black fins,

Hippopotami were also unusually numerous, and
would now and then rise lazily, and guffaw at us
from their gaping jaws.

Early in the tropical morning, we heard the guns
of the sloop, and knew that she must be engaged

 

with the slaver. This disappointed us in a measure,
for we feared it would alarm the savages, and induce
them to retreat.

But, a few moments later, they appeared—some
three hundred in all—on the rocks, about a quarter
of a mile above the jungle where the marines and
sailors were concealed. We were very close to the
shore, and they advanced to the water’s edge, and
shot some arrows at us, but they all fell short.

We had a fine view of them, however.

They were dressed in the usual manner of the
African warrior, and were all women. There was
also arude sort of orderin their march, which be-
tokened discipline of some kind; and they were all
of that lighter complexion which is so frequently en-
countered among the tribes of the more arid districts.
The queen—we could easily distinguish her by her
golden necklace and anklets—was a perfect Juno in
form, and her features (as we afterward discovered)
were not unpleasing, though stern and commanding.

They stood yelling at us with savage gestures for a
few moments, when Kulah, the queen, stepped to-
ward the river’s brink, taking a javelin from the
hand of a follower, hurled it at us, with a shrill,
fierce cry.

The arrows had fallen short, but the javelin whistled
over our heads as if impelled by a charge of powder.

We were about to back out from such dangerous
quarters, when we saw the marines break cover and
surprise the savages by a volley of musketry which
brought down a dozen of their number. We expect-
ed the negroes to flee at once, but a detour on the
part of the sailors was. now seen advancing over the
rocky ridge, and they formed with surprising ra-
pidity, and advanced upon the marines with a flight
of javelins and demoniac yells.

Again and again the musketry spoke with frightful
execution, and the seamen were also upon them with
their pistols and cutlasses, but they did not flinch.

But powder and lead are vastly superior to arrows
and lances, and an Anglo-Saxon brain tothe wild-
beast instincts ot a savage.

Step by step the Amazons were forced back and
depleted, and presently the major portion of them
broke and fled up the river bank—many of them fall-
ing a prey to the ruthless cutlasses of the seamen.

I saw Kulah, in among her demoralized troops, cut-
ting down the cravens, with shouts of encourage-
ment to those who still remained firm. But she was
finally pushed to the very verge of the rocky river-
brink. We saw her still fighting, like a tigress, when
suddenly arandom arrow from one of her own fol-
lowers quivered in her breast, and, with a last shrill
ery of defiance, she tottered over the cliff, and
plunged into the shark-infested stream.

In a few moments the carnage was complete.

As we pulled in toward the shore the black-fins
were darting hither and thither below the cliff, and
the water bore a crimson hue. It was with the
brave blood of the Amazon queen.

The slaver escaped, but the destruction of the
Youriba tribe was worth the capture of a dozen
schooners; and I am happy to say that the crabbed
old commander of the sloop-of-war Anjou received
his promotion.

Josh Billings’ Philosophy.

Iam more afrade ov a vulgar man than I am ov a
rutiian.

Nature once in a while makes an iddiot, but never
aphool. Phools are made to order.

Don’t be afraid, my friend, to blo your own horn;
but watch the time, tune, and variashuns.

Common sense rules this world, but iz looked upon
by many az allways being in its dotage.

My married life iz most happy ; for while there iz
two ov us, we have but one way ov doing business,
and that iz, to please each other.

Faith, Hope, and Charity are three beautiful Ves
tals, and if we were obliged to spare one oy them, I
can’t tell which one it would be, nor kno what could
supply its place. .

No evolutionist can beleeve in the omnipotence
and omniscience ov God.

Beauty iz a pleasant surprize; that iz all.

Sarkasm iz a weapon that experts alone can handle.
The ignorant mistake abuse for sarkasm.

Common sense iz one oy the gifts that make all
hearts and heads akin.

There iz tots ov people in this world who are like
flies—good friends enuff so long as the sun shines
and the molasses holds out.

We all complain ov the injustice ov the world, and
yet we never get cheated so badly az when we trade
with ourselifs.

About the last thing a thoroughbred man talks
about iz hiz pedigree; while it iz about the first
thing a half breed does.
we are often polite to each other, but seldum

ind.

The hornet iz az useless az the cockroach, but far
more respektable; hiz stingger makes him so.
_ True kriticism consists in giving praise whenever
it iz possible, and never to censure unless it iz abso-
lutely necessary.

There are those who are ever anxious to give praise
rather than censure. The rekording angel haz their
names set down in hiz book.

Common sense iz the godfather ov genius; it iz the
instinct Ov reazon.

Medicine iz no science, but a mere experiment;
and the experiment haz killed ten where it haz kured
one. A medicine that iz not poisonous iz good for
little or nothing. This iz enuff to make it suspishus.

The Ladies’ Work-Box.

Edited by Mrs. Helen Wood.

FASHION NOTES.

Bonnet strings are worn very short.

Surf bathing is no longer considered fashionable.

Fine bead embroidery is used on silk gloves.

Two-toned fancy straws are popular for dressy hats.

Stylish bonnets are of colored crape de Chine, trimmed
with twisted loops and bows of picot-edged velvet ribbon.

Horesback riding is rapidly growing in favor among
American women, and the parks show many ladies in the
saddle, while the riding schools do a flourishing business.

Luxurious pleasure carriages are now shod with India-
rubber tires, and the Prince of Wales has all his carriages
shod in this manner.

The long journey should be made in one of those long
journeys of English homespun, with a cap to match.

The fancy for shades of heliotrope is on the increase, as
it has been discovered to be generally becoming to almost
every kind of beauty, whether pale blonde or bright bru-
nette.

Plaid and striped surah silks will be worn as loose
blouses with odd skirts of silk or woolen material.

Wedding menus are now made in the form of tiny white
slippers, which are carried from the table and thrown after
the bride.

Lilies of the valley are worn in coats, on dresses, and are
used in decorating dinner and parlor tables.

The latest fancy is to make night-dresses of pale blue or
pink cambric, trimmed with torchon lace and insertion.

Little rough straw hats are imported from France for
wear at the sea-shore, and are trimmed with Madras hand-
kerchiefs tied in a number of upright loops.

Coquettish shirred lace bonnets are trimmed with gold
or silver powdered aigrettes, upon which rest huge but-
terflies of bronze or gold gauze.

Dotted goods are so fashionable that even chemises, and
other pieces of underwear, are made of fine muslins and
linens dotted all over with red, blue, or lilac spots, and
sometimes all three of these colors, while the yoke, bands,
and monogram are worked in the same hues, and fine
Valenciennes lace trims the entire garment.

Brown and white wove dresses are quite popular, the
skirt being of white braided with brown, and the full
drapery of brown, and also the basque, which has a white
waistcoat braided with brown, while a white hat trimmed
with a number of brown sparrows, completes the cos-
tume.

Black cloth habits are the favorites for park equestri-
ennes, and next in favor are dark blue and invisible green,
while numerous gray and dust-colored suits are also seen.
The English habit is still the most popular style, with its
postilion bodice, short, scant skirt, and trousers; while
for warm weather the bodice is left open at the throat,
with a rolled notched collar, so as to show a chemisette
and white pique tie, knotted in sailor fashion.

A pretty summer dress is of forget-me-not blue lawn,
spotted with tiny red dots, and has a shoulder cape with
long ends, of blue velvet of a darker shade, while the hat
is a rough white straw, with turned-up brim, lined with
China crape, and finished by a large bunch of forget-me-
nots and grasses placed high in front.

Useful gowns for every-day wear are combinations of
silk and fine beige cashmere. Checks, both large and
small, are very fashionable for tailor-made dresses, and
specially stylish are the wide checks, ruled with very
subdued shades of dark red, indigo blue and golden brown
silk. Also a check material with small squates of olive
and white, ruled with a faint line of red. Some new and
very pretty designs are to be seen in zephyrs and ging-
hams ; some with delicate canvas lace stripes, some with
checks and stripes in pale shades of heliotrope, turquois,
blue and rose leaf pink, and others again made in large
plaids and checks, but all of them most charming combi
nations of color.

“Mr. S. L. C,” Decatur, I1.—The word snow occurs in
the Bible in Exodus, chapteriv., verse6; and in Num-
bers, II Samuel, Kings, Job, Psalms, Proverbs, Isaiah,
Jeremiah, Lamentations, Matthew, Mark, and Revela-
tion. Wind occurs in Genesis, chapter viii, verse1; and
in Exodus, Numbers, Samuel, Kings, Job, Psalms, Prov-
erbs, Ecclesiastes, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, Daniel,
Hosea, Amos, Jonah, Micah, Zechariah, Matthew, John,
Acts, Ephesians, James, and Revelation. Rain occurs in
Genesis, chapter vii, verse 12; andin Exodus, Leviticus,

 

Deutronomy, Samuel, Kings, Ezra, Job, Psalms, Prov-
erbs, Ecclesiastes, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, Hosea,
Amos, Joel, Zechariah, Matthew, Hebrew, Acts, and
James.

“Eva V.’’—English yachting suits are of white or blue
serge. A blue one has the jacket revers braided with
gold, a gilt braided girdle, and a border of braid on the
foot of the skirt, while the white blouse-waist is buttoned
with gilt buttons at the top, and has surplice drapery
crossing on the bust. The blue cap is embroidered in
gold, and the dark-blue stockings have little anchors
worked on them in yellow silk.

‘Mary B.,’”? Paterson, N. J.—A very striking lawn-ten-
nis dress has a skirt of striped blue and white cloth, over
which falls a drapery of ecru netting. The loose waist
has full sleeves, which are gathered into deep cuffs, and
these, as well as the wide, square collar, are embroidered;
while on the edges of the skirt drapery, at the ends of the
sash, and on the hat, for trimming, are woolen pompons,
the color of the tennis balls.

“G@. C.’—1st. We have no recipe for the purpose named.
2d. Loose, clinging drapery is the style at present. 3d.
Your old dress would probably dye a pretty brown or
gray. 4th. Summer dresses are trimmed with lace and
feather-edged ribbons, with the shirred basque and full
draperies held in place by rosettes or long bows.

‘Miss Florence W.”—It is customary for a gentleman,

when walking with a lady, to touch his hat and bow to
whomsoever the lady salutes in passing.

“H. E. T.—Much as we would like to oblige you, we
cannot spare the time to match samples.

Paragraphic Pleasantries.
BY J. H. WILLIAMS.

The Result was the Same.

When the champion slugger arrived in Red Fork,
Dakota, the managing editor of the Prairie Hen said
to one of his staff:

“Say, Mulkey, Slugger Billis in town; go out and
look him up and get a column interview.”

Mulkey weit out, and in half an hour returned with
his nose mashed, one eye closed. his left cheek split
open, one arm in a sling, and his coat ripped up the
back from preface to finis.

“Well,” said the managing editor, giving his muti-
ae acriticallook: “I see you found

im.

‘‘Not much,’’ moaned the reporter, tenderly feeling
his battered nose. ‘Down at the corner of Main and
Q. streets I was knocked down by a runaway team
which I attempted to stop, and the horses walked
over me.”

“Oh, well,” said the editor, in a business-like way;
“the result is about the same as if you had seen him,
and you can give us a column interview any way.”

Information Wanted.

Will some old philosopher with a bulging forehead
please explain why an invalid is told by his physician
that he mustn’t eat the very things that he wants,
and is ordered to eat what he doesn’t want, and never
did eat? Once upon a time a man who was sick, but
not too sick to eat, told his physician that he thought
he could relish a little oatmeal gruel, and was made
happy by the doctor telling him, in tones of horror,
that oatmeal gruel was the very worst thing he
could eat in his present condition, but he might have
a dish of corn beef and cabbage. This was just what
the patient wanted, but he very well knew thatif he
asked for it, the doctor would have preseribed oat-
meal gruel. He had been there before.

Need Exercise.

An angler’s paper says that ‘fish need exercise.”
Yes, and they take it, too. When we go fishing we
soon discover that the fish have gone visiting some
of their relatives in the next township, or have left
home to engage in a six days’ swimming match for
the championship. And we are compelled to return
home without interviewing any of them.

Diabolism. :

“Ts that a ghost you are drawing on your slate,
Johnny ?” asked his mother.

“Gnome, ma’am,” said Johnny.

“Well, it looks spookuliar,” returned his parent, in
a spritely manner.

Pin Money.

“Goodness gracious!” exclaimed old Mrs. Pin-
aphor, looking up from her papers, here’s an item
says that Andrew Carnegie gives his wife $30,000 a
year for pin money. What in the name of all that is
wonderful does she do with somany pins? Such ex-
travagance is sinful. I don’t suppose it costs me a
dollar a year for both pins and needles, and I have
all I can use.”

“Perhaps Mrs. Carnegie buys diamond pins,” sug-
gested Mr. Pinaphor.

“Umph; I didn’t think of that, but I have my
opinion of a woman who spends $30,000 a year for
jewelry !’”

It Stingeth Like a Hornet.

A London physician, in a recent lecture, described
the curious effects of alcoholic drinks on the cere-
bellum, or organ of equilibrium—wine causing the
person to fall sideways, whisky causing him to fall
on his face, and cider throwing him on his back.
This explains one thing and another. When a man,
in returning home from a midnight caucus, tries to
walk on both sides of the street at the same time,
and falls in all the positions named by the London
physician—and more too—it may be safely assumed
that he has been mixing his drinks.

A Season of Rest.

Ofthe four seasons, the winter succe eding the Presi-
dential election is the most delightful to the news-
paper reader. Three-fourths of the adult male pop-
ulation of the country are not then named for the
next Presidency.

A Business Proposition.

The contributor wrote: Mr. Editor; I inclose a
little poem which I have dashed off hurriedly for your
columns. I want no pay for it, but please send me 25
copies of your paper containing it.” And the editor
replied: ‘Dear Sir: The insertion of your poem, at
ourusual advertising rates, will cost you three dollars
and a half, and the 25 copies of the paper will be two
dents a piece—cash in advance.”

The poem has not yet appeared.

Evolution.

According to Darwin, it took a million years to
evolve a man out of an oyster. And we should think
it would. But nowadays it only takes about five
seconds to evolve an oyster out of a man—that is, if
the oyster is very unhealthy and has an_ offensive
breath, which the man doesn’t discover until he swal-
lows the bivalve.

Gold and Silver Idols.

Mexican papers report that near Oajaca there has
been discovered the sepulcher of a Zapotecan King,
in which was found a gold idol weighing fifty pounds.
When it comes to discovering idols this country will
not take a seat in the rear of any other country in
the world. In the treasury vaults at Washington
may be found silver idle weighing many tons. It is
worshiped just as much as a gold idol, too.

Didn’t Enjoy Herself.

A woman from a rural town, upon her return home
from a visit to a city relative, was asked how she en-
joyed herself while away. ‘Oh,’ she replied, “I had
a dismal time—no pleasure at all worth speaking of.
These were two or three parties given in my honor,
but, would you believe it, I only got an opportunity
to attend two funerals the whole month I was away.
I would have had more fun at home.”

The Remedy Worse than the Disease.

An Austrian physician says that nine times out of
ten headache can be almost instantly cured by swal-
lowing a spoonful of salt dissolved in a quantity of
water. The last man that tried this recipe was cured
of the headache, but he yearned for death. He wanted
to die right away. Hefelt as if he had swallowed
enough of the Atlantic ocean to float a steamship line,
and he would have willingly exchanged his disagree-
able, nauseating feeling for several cases of broad-
gauge headache.

Might Have Been More Remarkable.

According to a news item, a woman in Gasconade
county, Mo., is ninety-eight years old, can walk two
miles at a stretch, and has seventy-two grandchil-
dren. This case does not excite our wonder. If the
item had stated that she was two years old, could
walk seventy-two miles at a stretch, and had ninety-
eight grandchildren, it would have taken some read-
ers several hours to believe it.

te

A MONKEY IN A BAD FIX.

Wild Bill was one of the best shots in Kansas, and
never missed his mark. He has been seen to take a
pistol in each hand and fire with right and left pistol
at a can thrown in the air, hitting it with both bul-
lets. By the way, the writer heard a very funny
story told on Bill some time ago. He married Mrs.
Agnes Lake, widow of Lake, the circus man. Bill
fairly worshiped his wife, but despite his great love
for her she never could induce him to quit drink-
ing. He would come home full of bad whisky, and
one day Mrs. Hickok said to him:

“Bill, if you don’t quit this drinking pretty soon
you will actually begin to see monkeys.” ‘

“Monkeys?” said he. ‘‘What do you mean, little
one ?” '

“Why, you know, when people back East drink too
much of the kind of whisky they get back there
they see snakes, but this awful stuff out here makes
them see monkeys.” j 4

Bill laughed at her, and did not give the matter a
second thought, little dreaming that she had ‘put up

 

VOL, 42—No. 38,

 

™“e

a job’ to break him of his intemperate habits. , There
was a tame monkey in the town—Cheyenne, I believe
it was—and Mrs. Hickok had induced its owner to
loan it to her for anight. Bill came home that night
comfortably drunk, and after he had gone to sleep
his wife secured the monkey and chained it to the
foot of the bed. Then turning down the light a little,
she, too, retired and awaited results. Bill woke upin
the night burning with thirst, and raised up into a
sitting posture, intending to get out of bed and get a
drink of water.

There, perched on the foot-board, was the monkey,
staring him in the face with hideous grimaces. He
rubbed his bleared eyes, looked again, and a horrible
suspicion came into his befuddled brain. Had his
wife told him the truth? Did he really have ’em?
Finally, he sprang out on the floor, seized his six-
shooter, which lay on a table near, leveled it at the
creature and said: ;

“Now, old man, if you are a monkey you're ina bad
fix; if you ain’t a monkey I’m ina bad fix.” At the
same instant he fired, and the monkey fell over in the
agonies of death. His wife, who had been watching
the working of her scheme, sprang up in bed with a
scream, and Bill, turning to her with a broad smile
of the most intense satisfaction said:

“Little woman, congratulate me, for I have just
had a wonderful escape. I ain’t as drunk as I thought
I was, an’ there’s a monkey lyin’ there on the floor
that’ll never intrude itself into the domestic felicity
of another happy family an’ make a gentleman think
he’s got the jim-jams.”

tt

AN AUDACIOUS REQUEST.

People sometimes make very strange requests.
The other day a well-dressed man who stood on the
door-steps of a fashionable residence in Cleveland,
rang the bell, and when the lady of the house went
to the door, said:

“Excuse me, ma’am, for troubling you, but may I
have a fit in your vestibule? Iam subject to them,
and I feel one coming on now.”

The man seemed very much distressed, and the
kind-hearted woman said, hurriedly:

“Come right into the house and lie down in the
parlor.”

The man went in, and the woman heard his spas-
modic gasps as she hastened next door for a physi-
cian, who happened to be a neighbor. Returning
with the good doctor the woman found the parlor
empty and two or three pieces of rare brie-a-brac
missing. She looked into the hall and saw that her
husband's best spring overcoat was gone; then she
found in the band of an old derby hat a slip of paper
on which were the words; ‘Many thanks, dear
madam; I have had my fit, but it is not the kind you
supposed. Iam stillhavingit. Itis dependent upon
your husband’s overcoat, which will make the fit
continuous as long asI wearit. Let me warn you
against the ingenuity of the unprincipled brother
hood of sneak thieves. The bric-a-brac I shall keep
as a souvenir of your kindness and charity.”

The doctor who had been so hastily summoned,
while he found no occasion to use his skill in the ex-
pected direction, was unexpectedly called upon to
minister to a woman of shattered nerves, whose con-
dition was made more critical by the extremity of
her anger.

So

SPORTIVE FOXES.

The following incident is related by a Maine man,
who declares that itis strictly true: 3

While strolling along the shore in South Goldsboro,
he saw a fox coming down the bank. He stood per-
fectly still, and the fox, after seeing that the coast
seemed clear, walked down the bank and was quickly
followed by seven young foxes. They came toa
black mussel bed, and here the mother fox tried to
teach her children to eat these shell-fish. But they
were too full of fun to attend to eating just at that
time, and commenced a regular jubilee among them-
selves. Atone time four of them stood up, joined
hands, and had a ‘‘four hands round.”

or

Items of Interest,

A brisk and fatal fight was witnessed a short time
ago, near the town of Colorado, Texas. Four cowardly
Mexicans, one with a revolver and three with knives, at-
tacked James Taylor, with the intention of killing him.
Although he was unarmed, he soon showed that it was
not easy to vanquish him. He contrived to get posses-
sion of the revolver, and quickly killed three of the des-
peradoes. As the fourth started to run, he sprang to his
wagon, secured his Winchester, and fatally shot the last
of his assailants at a distance of 150 yards. ;

While roaming through the woods, Jim Ponce, of
St. Augustine, Fla., heard some strange yells and roars.
Advancing in the direction of the sounds, he came upon
a seven-foot panther fighting with an alligator, which
had the panther fast in its ponderous jaws. Ponce shot
the alligator, whereupon the panther, freeing himself,
made for the hunter, who had a hard fight before he killed
the ungrateful beast.

A shrewd Bostonian proposes the following unique
plan for utilizing the red man and solving the vexed In-
dian problem. Let us organize all our Indians into Wild
West shows and send them to Europe to exhibit in charge
of army officers. We could thus make the Indians pay for
their own support and be able in afew years to pay off
our entire national debt from the profits.

For seven years Abe Bradford, a teamster in
Parkersburg, W. Va., has been unable to speak abovea
whisper. The other day, his speech was strangely re-
stored. While driving aspan of mules, the animals be-
came so unruly that Abe grew red in ‘the face with anger,
and burst out into a volley of profanity that found utter-
ance in vociferous tones.

The living descendants of Mrs. Annie Raush, of
Letart, Va., number over 600. She has just celebrated
her one hundredth birthday. She was married when she
was 15, and bore thirteen children, eight of whom are
living. Her oldest living child is 78, and her oldest
grandchild is 68 years old. She has fifty-two great-great-
grandchildren.

It has been suggested that a site near Riverside
Park, on the Hudson, be chosen for the proposed Protest-
ant cathedral, and that General Grant’s body be buried in
a crypt under it. This plan might inaugurate the collec-
tion of America’s honored dead in a spot destined to be
as historic as Westminster Abbey.

Levi Johnson, who died recently in Torringford,
Conn., was born a slave in Cheshire, of that State, in 1790.
He removed to Torrington in 1810 and in 1812 married his
wife, Maria, with whom he lived sixty-six years, she dy-
ing in 1878, at the age of 92. He was sexton of Torringford
church over fifty years.

Some of the old citizens of Camden, Me., are fond
of telling of the time when salmon was so plentiful and so
little esteemed in that neighborhood, that an apprentice
to any trade had to sign articles binding him to eat salmon
twice a week, and thought it a most disagreeable part
of the contract.

The perils of base-ball were illustrated at Marble-
head, Mass., when Smith Billings and Joseph Thompson,
while running for a fly ball, came in violent collision, and
poth fell back insensible. Billings’ frontal bone was
crushed, and Thompson’s nose and jawbone were broken.

“Are we making progress ?”’ an exchange anxiously
inquires. If we are not, what does 1,800 pounds to the ton
of coal and four inches of froth to the glass of lager beer
mean? Progress—making progress? What is the bottom .
doing in the middle of the strawberry box, if we are not?

The meanness of some men is almost beyond belief.
A toper in Cambria County, Pa., persuaded his wife to
have her hair cut short, telling her thatit was now all
the fashion. He then took the shorn locks to a neighbor-
ing store and traded them off for whisky.

The governess of a small boy in Philadelphia, out
of patience with his mischievousness, one day caught him
by the arm, saying: “Harry, I believe the Old Nick has
hold of you.” Quick asa flash the youngster answered:
“Yes, but only with one hand.”

When Jacob Schaelkopf, the millionaire tanner of
Buffalo, took his wife around to look at a $500,000 residence
which he recently bought, her only criticism was that she
was afraid if she lived there she ‘‘would have to keep a
girl.”

“You should never use a preposition to end a sen-
tence with,’ was the remarkable statement a Boston
school supervisor made to a class of grammar schoolboys
last week. The boys saw the point.

There is a crank in Exeter, Pa., who wanted to

erect a monument to our earliest female ancestor, Mother
Eve. The authorities restrained him, and declared him
insane.
*The greatest jockey in Australia is only twelve
years old. His name is David Murray; and at a recent
meeting at Wallsend, Newcastle, he rode six of the eight
winners.