eerrenuaiit/ ALUM 1) ALLL ca ih BOOK OF FUN, NO. 1. me 8 See NEW YORK: BEADLE AND COMPANY. 118 ey ee: ST. peneral Dime Book Publishers. ” No. 1. A time coming, Alls for the best, A national song, Annie Laurie, Answer toa thousand Ans, to K. Kearney, A thousand « yeur, Belle Brandon, Ben Bolt, Blind boy’s lament, Bob Ridley, Bold privateer, Don’t be angry, mot’r Do they miss me, Down tho river, E pluribus unum, Evening star, Faded flowers, Gentle Annie, Gentle Jonnie Gray, Glad to get home, Hard times, Have you seen sister, Heather dale, Home again, { am not angry, [ want to go home, Kate Kearney, Kiss me quick and go, Kitty Clyde. My home in Kentuck, yown native land, Nelly Gray, was a lady, Old dog Tray, Our Mary Ann, Over the mountain, Poor Juney, Poor old slave Red, white an Row, row, Shells of the ocean, Song of the sexton, Star-spangled banner Sword of Bynker Hill, The age of progress, The dyingCali ornian The hills of N. Engl’d The lake-side shore, The little blacksmith, "The Marseilles hymn, The miller of the Dee, The old farm-house, The old folks loved, The old panes, ‘The rock of liberty, The tempest, Twenty years ago, Twinkling stars, Uncle Sain’s farm, Unfarl the banner, Wait for the wagon, Willie, we’ye missed, Willie’ll roam no mor No. 2. Alice Gray, Americ Banks of Mohawk, Be kind to each other, Billy Grimes, Bryan O’Lynn, ‘ome, sit thee down, Cora Lee, tog Ne Darling old stick, a blue, ‘ Good news from home Good-night, Graves ofa Home, sweet home, I have no mother now ano, Nelly Moore Kathleen,mavo’rneen Katy, darling, Littl: Katy, Mabel Clare, Mary Alleen, Maryof the wild moor Mill May, Minnie, dear, Minnie Moore, Mr, Finagan My eyeand B. Martin My grandin’r’s advice My love is « sailleur, My mother dear, My mother’s Bible, Nancy Bell, New England, Oh, ’'m going home, Oh, scorn not brother, Oh, the sea, tho-sea, Old sideling hill, Our boyhood days, Our fatherland, Peter Gray, Rory O’ More, |Somebody’s waiting, ‘The farmer sat in his, The farmer's boy, The fireman’s victory The grave of Lil Dale, /Thelrishman’sshanty The old folks are gone The post-boy’s song, The quilting party, Three bells, ’Tis home where the Waiting for the May, Weatand here united, What's home without What other name, Widow Machree, Willie’s on the sea, Winter. No. 3. Annie, dear, good-by, |Ans, to Jeannette, |A sailor’s life for me, Bessy was a sailor’s, {Bonny Jean, ‘Comic Katee darling, \Comic parody, Darling aor Bell, —s Rosabel, ,|Death of Annie Laurie ‘Emigrant’s farewell, |Ettie May, Few days, Fine old Dutch gent, Fine old English gent Fine old Irish gent, Fireman’s boy, Fireman’s death, Give ’em string, iGo it while young, Gold-digger’s lament, — Hoshi, appy Hezekial Va Moin to be daisy, I’ve semething sweet, Isle of beaut Ithink of old Ireland, Jeannett and Jeannot John Jones. Jordan is ahard road, Kitty, kimo, Lager beer song, Lather and shave, Lillie Bell, : |Linda has departed, household Man. the life-boat, My dear old mother, My I miss thee so, My I'm levying thee in, .|My poor dog Tray, Ishouldn’t ke to tell, Old dog Tray, No. 2 i wandgred by brook, Old Rosin, t be beau, Other side of Jordan, Over the left, Par. on ‘To the West,’ Pop goes the weasel, Pretty Jane, Rosa Lee, Song of the locomotiy Sparking Sarah Jane Ten o’clock, The American boy, The American girl, The boys of Kilkenny The girl Lleft behind, The Indian hunter, The old oaken bucket, The old whisky jug, The pirate’s serenade, Tilda Horn, To the West, True blue is the co Uncle Ned Unhappy Jeremiah, Vilikins and his Dina We misa thee at home What will Mrs, Grun Woodman, spare tree, Yellow rose of Texas. lor, No. Ain’t I glad to get out A national song, pee to Katy Darl Ing, merr girl, Ben Fiherand wife, Bonnie Jamie, Broken-hearted Tom, By the sad sea waves, Columbia rules the se Come, gang wi?'me, Commence,ye darkies Cottage by the sea, Daylight is on the sea Don’t ery 80, Norah, Erin is my home, Gal from the South, He led her to tlie altar Home, sweet home, I ain a freeman, I'll hang my harp, I’m not myself at all, Indian hunter, I’ve been roaming, The low-backed car, The old brown cot, Tom Brown ae Gabrier, nele Tim, the to We're all so gal We're growing old, We were boys and Within a mile of Ed, Would I were a boy. Would I were a girl,’ Would I were with, No. 5, A dollar or two, A man’s a man for a snes whisper, Auld lang syne, A Yan. ship and crew, Bashful young man Call me pet names, ae races, Charity, Cheer, boys, cheer, Comin’ thro’ the rye, Dermot Astore, Dilla Burn, Down the burn, Davy Dumbarton’s bonnie, Ever of thee, Grave of Bonaparte, Gum-tree canoe, Hark, I hear an angel, Pdoffer thee this hand In the days when I, John Anderson Johnny was a shoemr Kind relations, Last week I took a wif Mary of Argyle, Meet me by moonligh Napolitaine, Norah M’Shane, Nothing else to do, Och, Paddy, is it you, Oft in the stilly night, Roll on, silver moon, Rose of Allandale, Sambo, I have missed Sam Slap,the bill-stic Something to love, Stillso gently o’er me > , I wish he’d decide, Jane Monroe, Johriny is gone for a, Jolly Jack, the rover, Kate was once a little Kitty Tyrrell Let me kiss him for, Linda’s gone to Balt., Maud Adair and I, Molly Bawn, My ain fireside, My boyhood’s home, Norah, pride of Kildar Oh, God preserve the Oh, kiss, butnever tell Old uncle Edward, Paddy on the canal, Parody on U. S.’s farm Poor old maids, Ship shoy, omenney ‘a courting, Song of BlancheAlpen Song of the farmer, Sparking Sunda nt, Sprig of shillelah, Stand by the flag, Terry O'Reilly, - ‘The farmer’s boy, The hazel dell, The harp that once, gi with a calico,|The Indian’s grave, eart’s in Ireland,|The little low room, The engineer’s song, They don’t wish me, The old kirk-yard, ~ The gambler’s wife, The gay cavalier, The grave of Une.Tru The ingle side, The Irish emigrant, 'The ivy green The lass that loves, The last rose ofsum’r, The lily of the West, The minute gun at sea ‘The monks of old, The musical wife, The ocean burial, The old arm-chair, The poor little fisher, The rat-catcher’s dau, The tail iv me coat, The watcher, Thou art gone from, T hou hast wounded, "Tis midnight hour, Twilight dewa, Umbrella courtship, Wake, Dinah, wake Washington, star of, We'll haves little, We met by chance, Vhen Lanw sweet, When the swallows, William of the ferry, Will you love mie, No. 6. Annie Lisle, Beautiful world, BHADLH'S DIME SONG BOOKA, Be kindto the lo Bobbi « around, Bonnie Dur dee, Bloom is on the rye, Blue Juniata, Carrier dove, Child’s wish, Cottage of my mothe Courting in Conn., Dearest Mae, Dear mother,l’1] cow Ella Rea, Fairy Dell,g "ar, far upon the sez Female auctioneer, Grave of Washingto Gentle Hallie, Gentle Nettie Moore Happy are we to-nig! lattie Lee, He doeth all things, I can’t call her moth’! oe paddle my canoe Is it anybedy’sbusin’s Irish jaunting car, Jane O'Malley, enny Lane, oanna Snow, Johnny Sands, Lily Dale, Little more elder, Lulu is our darling, Lords of creation shix) Maniac, Marion Lee, May queen, Merry sleigh-ride, Miller’s maid, Minnie Clyde, Modern belle, Mountaineer’s farews Not for gold, ~ Not married yet, Oh, curry me home, Oh, silber moon, Oh, spare homestead old homestead, Ossian’s serenade, Over the river, Old mountain tree, Riding on a rail, Sailor boy’s dream, ot f pUBSY, Spir Squire Jones’ daught Snow storm, Song my mother san Strawberry girl, Three grains of corn Where are therfriend: Why chime the be! |s Why don’t the men, W in nobody marry, Young recruit, No. Anchor's weighed, A ride I was takiny, Beautiful Venice, Billy Patterson, Breeze of the night, Bright-eyed lit. Ne} Come, Willie, dear, * Deal with me kindly, Doley Jones, 7 dee in cane-brakes, vening gr Fairy Belle,” Farewell, old cottace Glendy Burk, Happy Switzer, Home I leave behind, How shall I watch? *- Meet me by the bree’ « Ho, gondolier, awake. fome without sister, ’ *m Standing by grave \ iar ce a pe } : t voice of Belle, BEADLE’S see eg De oe 'L dds det NEW YORK: BEADLE AND COMPANY, 118 WILLIAM STREET, Wintered aeeording to Act of Congress, {n the year 160, Br IRWIN P. BEADLE & CO., tm he Clerk’s Office of the District Court of the United States for the Southern district of New York. BEADLE’S Dime Book of E*un. No. 1. MR. J. JOSH'S GRAND EXCURSION TO EUROPE, 1.—Securing his ticket, is directed to his state-room, already ‘ partly filled by his fellow-tottmsts, BEADLE’S DIMH BOOK OF FUN. THE ARKANSAS TRAVELER. A burlesque tune, known as “The Arkansas Traveler,” is exceedingly popular at the West and South, and origi- nated from the incidents of the following story—which ' areexactly as related fifteen or twenty years ago—by tho author of the tune and story, Col. 8. C. Faulkner, of Arkansas: The narrator plays the air vehemently, on a fiddle, for a short time, then relates a portion of the story; then again falls to playing as if he had given his audience enough of a good thing, for one time. In the earlier days of the territory of Arkansas, when the settlements were few and far between, an adventurous traveler from one of the old States, while traversing the swamps of that portion of the ken’try, gets lost, on a cold, rain in the autumn of the year. After wander- ing till ev , and despairing of finding a habitation, while searching for a place to ¢amp, he strikes a trail which seems to lead somewhere, and also.hears in that direction the noise of a fiddle. Accordingly, he takes the trail, and soon discovers ahead of him, rising above the timber, a light column of smoke, which he knows comes from the cabin of a squatter. As he approaches, he finds it to be a log cabin, ten logs high, and about ten feet square—one side being roofed, and the other only half covered with boards. He also sees the proprietor seated on an old whisky barrel, near the door, sheltered by a few boards which project from the eaves, playing a tune, or rather the first snatch of a tune, on an old fiddle. After surveying the habitation and surrounding of “eotton-head” children, the traveler rides up to see if he can get lodgings, and the following dialogue ensues. The hoosier, however, still continuing to play the same pars over and over again, only stopping to give short, indiffer- eut replies to the traveler’s queries: TRAVELER, Good morning, sir. Squatrer. How d’ye do, sir? T. Can I get to stav all night with you? 8. No, sir. T. Can’t you give me a glass of something to drink? I am very wet and cold. (Continued on 8th page.) i eo MR. J JOSH'S GRAND EXCURSION, 7 2,—At Liverpool takes a hurnied: pares of the public buildings. Mr. Jones writes to a friend, and closes by saying, “Iam — glad to be able to say that my wife is recovering slowly.” An eminent artist is about getting up a ‘panorama of a law-suit.” It opens in the year one, and closes with doomsday. Why is a bed-cover.like a blister ? Because it’s a coun- terpane (counter pain). The sun produces life or causes death, according as its rays fall, and so doth love, What musical instruments are carried by all mankind? A couple of drums. 3 If you wish to increase the size and prominence of your tyes, just keep an account of the money you spend fool- yshly, and add it up at the end of the year. When does a man sneeze three times? When he eaa net help it. BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. 8. I drank the last drop this morning? ; T. I am very hungry; ain’t hada thing toeat to ¢, Will you let me have something to eat? S. Haven’t a darned thing in the house. T. Then can’t you give my horse something ? 8. Got nothing to feed him on. T. How far is it to the next house ? S. Stranger, I don’t know; Pve never been there, T. Well, where does this road go to? : S. It’s never been anywhere sinee I lived here; it’s always here when I get up in the morning. - T. As I am not likely to get to any other house to- night, can’t you let me sleep in yours, and I'll tie my horse to a tree, and do without any thing to eat or drink ? S. My house leaks; there’s only one dry spot in it, and me and Sal on that. ; T. Why don’t you finish covering your house and stop the leaks ? ; S. It’s raining. 1’. Well, why don’t you do it when it is not raining? S. It don’t leak then. T. Well, as you have nothing to eat or drink in your house, and nothing alive about your place but ehildren, ~ how do you do here, anyhow ? S. Putty well, I thank you. How d’ye do, yourself? T. (After trying in vain all sorts of ways to extract some satisfactory information from him.) My friend, why don’t you play the whole of that tune? S. (Stops playing and looks up for the first time.) I did not know there was any more to it, Can you play the fiddle, stranger ? T,. I play a little, sometimes. 0g “-S- You don’t look much like a fiddler (handing him the fiddle). Will you play the dalanee of that tune? The traveler gets down and plays that tune. _ 8. Stranger, come in! take half a dozen chairs and sit - down. Sal, go round gnto the holler, where I killed that buck this morning. Cut off some of the best pieces and fetch it, and cook it for me and this gentleman, directly. Raise up the board under the head of the bed, afore you go, and get the old black jug I hid from Dick, and give we tome whisky—I know there’s some left yet. ek, “' ‘ry the gentleman’s horse round te the shed, (Continued on 10th page.) MR, J. JOSH'S GRAND EXCURSION. 9 8.—Thence proceeds to London, and is delighted with the view from Waterloo Bridge. A modest. young lady, desiring a leg of a chicken at table, said she would take “ * that part “that ought to be dressed in pantalets!” A gentleman opposite tSenre ately called for “ that part which fisually wears the bustle !” What is that which never asks any questions, but re- quires many answers? The street door. Why are jokes like nuts? Because the drier they are, the better they crack. “Miss, may I see you home?” said a young man to'a flirt. “No, sir,” was the short reply. " on. I don't mean now, but some other night, when I ean’t go anywhere else.” . Motto for the dancing season—Ilop on, hop ever. 10 BEADLE’S DIMB BOOK QF FUN. you'll find some fodder and corn there. Give him as much as he can eat. Durn me, stranger, if you can’t stay as long as you please, and I'll give you plenty to eat and drink. Hurry, old woman. If you can’t fiad the butter- knife, take the cob-handle, or granny’s knife. Play away, stranger! you shall sleep on the dry spot to-night. After about two hours’ fiddling and some conversation, in which the squatter shows his characteristics, the stranger retires to the ‘dry spot.” AN EDITOR ON SKATES. Tho read our article about skating; full moon, health-giving exercise, present opportunity to prac- tice the art, py a aoe of s strapped them up in good style, and about eight o’clock, in company with several others, started for eastern bounds of village to improve health. Arrived on ice field, found moon there, with her bright- est smile, looking right straight down. Ice covered with boys darting hither and thither, and skimming about like a flock of swallows over a mill-pond in May. Seemed to go “just as easy”—congratulated ourself on a glorious time, and proceeded to adjust skates. Some how or other, straps seemed all wrong—buckles upside down—couldn’t find any holes, Borrowed a knife, got the leather down on the ice, bored away some time, and at last found a hole, finally got the skates on “all right,” and slowly elevated to the perpendicular position ; but, before got ready to start, coat-tail began to grow heavy, gravitation set in, sinews became relaxed, expe- rienced a descending movement, and heard the ice crack. Upon inquiring into phenomena, found we were down. Gathered up, went through the elevating and balancing operation again, and, after several laborious efforts, gained an upright position, and stood. Looked at the boys, saw how they did it, and started. Went off like a rocket, speed increasing at a fearful rate and working with both hands to keep head even with feet; feet, however, were too fast for head, and left the ice at an angle of forty-five degrees. Thought head endeavored to follow; gradually lost sight of terra firma, felt ourself going through space (Continued on 12th page.) 4.—And much gratified by seeing the queen. —— “Sally,” said a fellow to a girl who had red hair, “keep away from me, or you'll set me on fire.” “No danger of that,” replied the girl, ‘you are too green to burn.” - Why is a cat’s tail like aswan’s bosom? Because it grows down. Little Babes—Lap-landers. Personal—Certain pronouns. The man who ‘‘ took a walk” the other day, brought it back again, but the next day took a ride and went off with it. Old Jones being asked what was the first thing necessary toward winning the love of a woman, answered, “ An op- portunity.” “Will you be a second?” said a gentleman who pro- pesed to fight a duel. ‘No, indeed, for you woulda’t stand a second yourself.” 13 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. at lightning speed; soon arrived in a new planetary sys. tem. Saw several suns and more moons, and stars with- out number; passed through that, however, and after a while came to the reality that we had become intoxicated * with the bliss of our short skate, and were sprawling on the ice. At this time made the discovery that our skates were not the proper kind. Changed them for a better pair, and renewed search for health. New skates much better, made great progress in the art. ’Long first, had to run ashore to turn around, but gradually got so we could per- form that evolution without landing. 2 Somebody proposed a game of “ Pull-away,” and, of course, we went in, Small boy “stood.” Went through the first time without getting eaught, began to fancy we were ‘‘some.” Next time chase more exciting. Small boy after us like a rat-terrier, Did our best, came down in front of boy ; made a dodge, ground “ tan-bark” back- ward and forward, and came into the goal sliding end- wise, feet first and face down. Not caught yet, several boys, however, “ goners.” “ Pulleaway” again. This time saw half-a-dozen young- sters bearing down to capture us. Made a desperate effort te get up a high rate of speed, Boys closing in on us from.opposite directions, like so many race-horses ; made an effort to dodge, but too late. Saw several pairs of heels in the air at the same time, and immediately heard several things drop. First impression was that we had dodged them, but‘upon a subsequent examination came to a_dif- ferent conclusion. Two or three broken heads, several sore spots, and skate-irons without any woods, and woods without any irons, torn coats and broken breeches, was satisfactory evidence that we were caught. At this juncture made an examination, found innumer- able spots all over our body that would feel better after they got well, and concluding that we would not spoil for a skate till after the next thaw and freeze up, unbuckled skates and limped home. Skating is very fine in theory, but, to persons who do not understand it, isn’t quite se funny as sawing weed. Sf MR. J. JOSH’S GRAND EXCURSION. 5.—Mr. J osh next pays a nee | visit to Cowes, n ‘the Isle of Wight “Pa, they tell us about the angry ocean; what makes the ocean angry?” ‘Oh, it has been crossed so often.” “Well, Tom, how fare you about these times ?” “Oh, quite comf. just now,” said Tom, rubbing his paunch. “ You hold your own, I see,” said his neighbor. “Yes,” replied Tom, “and a leetle of other people’ 8, too!” Tom’s bogus bank (a shanty) had lately broken up. What is that which every one can divide, but no one can see where it has been divided? Water. The old fogy who poked his head from “behind the times,” had it knocked soundly by a passing event. Dabster is becoming a philosopher. He don’t care for victuals—all he asks is 3 enough to eat. It is an economical reflection that when garments are too short, the Cemenlty may he remedied by wearing them longer. 14 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. CAMP-MEETING INCIDENT. Our readers may remember the story of the “ soaping” of the signal horn. The story runs, that when a certain revivalist celebrity took up the horn, to summon the wor- shipers to services, after dinner, one day, he blew a strong blast of soft soap all over the astonished brethren. It is also said by the chronicler of this “ item ” that the brother was so wroth at this joke that he eried out aloud, ‘‘ Breth- ren, [have passed through many trials and tribulations, but nothing like this. I have served the ministry for thirty years, and in that time have never uttered a pro- fane word, but I’ll be cuss’d if I can’t whip the man that soaped that horn.” Well, this is a strong story; but we have, froma 7e- liable authority, something a little stronger in the sequel to the same incident. This is given to us as follows: Some two days after the horn-soaping, a tall, swarthy, villainous-looking desperado strolled on the grounds, and leaned against a tree, listening to the eloquent exhortation to repent which was being made by the preacher. After a while he became interested, finally affected, and then took a position on the anxious seat, commenced groaning in “the very bitterness” of his sorrow. The clergyman walked down and endeavored to console him. No conso- lation—he was too great asinner, hesaid. Oh, no,—there was pardon for the vilest, No, he was too wicked—there was no mercy for him. “Why, what crime have you committed?” said the preacher, ‘‘ have you stolen ?” “Oh, worse than that!” ‘What! have you by violence robbed female innocence of its virtue ?” : “Worse than that—oh, worse than that?” “ Murder, is it,” gasped the horrified preacher, “Worse than that!” groaned the smitten sinner. The excited preacher commenced “peeling off” his outer garments, “ Here, Brother Cole!” shouted he, ‘‘ hold my coat—Ive found the fellow that soaped that horn!” A gentleman who spoke of having been struck by a lady’s beauty, was advised to kiss the rod. MR. J. JOSH’S GRAND EXCURSION, ey om TAUALAD A aA JeATS 6.—From thence he proceeds through the rich and varied scenery of Kent Character is like stock in trade—the more a man pos- sesses, the greater his facilities for making additions. If you would not have affliction visit you twice, listen at once to what it teaches. A prudent and an humble one will both admit that “humility isa virtue.” Nothing is more common than a similarity of sentiment in opposite characters. I dare say a fox anda goose, if they could speak, would both coneur in saying that poultry ought to be well fed, A woman may laugh too much. It’s a fact; for only a comb can always afford to show its teeth. It is a sad commentary upon the course of instruction oon in young ladies’ schools, that the pupils, after eaving school, seldom know how to decline matrimony. Laws 0’ iHesey Abe ordinance against cruelty to animals, Did Nebuchadnezzar go to grass in the hey-day of his youth? eae inn aaa RS a 2 16 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN, “PM A WHIG,I AM!” The wedding was oyer, the guests had departed, and the happy pair had retired to their chamber, and were snugly ensconced in bed, when Jack, in the course of a quiet conversation with his wife, unwittingly alluded to his favorite subject, by casually speaking of himself as being a democrat. . ; “What!” exclaimed she, turning sharply and suddenly toward him; ‘‘are you a democrat.” “Yes, madam,” replied Jack, delighted with the idea of having a patient listener to his long-restrained oratory —‘‘ Yes, madam, I am a democrat, a real Jeffersonian democrat, attached to the great progressive party, a regu- lar out and outer, doubly dyed and twisted in the wool.” ~ “Just double and twist yourself out of this bed, then,” interrupted his wife ; “I am a whig, I am, and will never sleep with any man professing the doctrine you do!” Jack was speechless from absolute amazement. That the very wife of his bosom should prove a traitor, was horrible! she must be jesting. He remonstrated—but in vain; tried persuasion—’twas useless; entreaty—'twas no go. She was in sober earnest, and the alternative left him was a prompt renunciation of his heresy or a separate bed. in another room, Jack didn’t hesitate. As he was closing the door, his wife screamed after him— ; “T say, my dear, when you repent your heresy and your past errors, just knock at my door, and perhaps Ill let you in.” - The door was violently slammed, and Jack proceeded wrathfully in quest of another apartment. In the morning she met him as if nothing had happened ; but whenever Jack ventured to refer to the previous night, there was a “ laughing devil” in her eye, which bespoke her power and extinguished hope. A second time he re- vaired to his lonely couch, and a second time he called upon his pride to support him in the struggle, which he now found was getting desperate, He ventured curses ‘Youd but not long,” on the waywardness and caprice of the sex in general, and at his own wife in particular— wondering how much longer she would hold out—whether she suffered as acutely as he did, and tried hard to delude himself into the belief that she loved him too much to (Continued on 18th page.) MR. J. JOSH’S GRAND EXCURSION. 1.—To France, where he is hospitably received by the cus- tom-house officers. The man who was hemmed in by a crowd, has been con- tinually troubled with a stitch in his side. A clergyman, while engaged in éatechising a number of boys in a class, asked one of them for a definition of mat- rimony. The reply was, ‘‘ A place of punishment, where some folks suffer for a time before they can go to heaven. “Good boy,” said the clergyman, ‘‘ take your seat.” The Western papers say that the Illinois River has lowered a foot. When it lowers the other, we suppose it will cease to run. ‘““There’s a brandy smash,‘ as the wag said when the drunken man fell through a pane of glass. “You had better ask for manners than money,” said a finely dressed gentleman to a beggar boy who had asked for alms. “TI asked for what I thought you had the most of,” was the boy’s reply. . ‘Solomon, I much fear you ere forgetting me.” “ Yes, Sue, [have been for getting you these two years.” 18 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN, prolong the estrangement, and would come to him in the morning—perhaps that very night, and sue for reconcilia- tion. But then came the recollection of that inflexible countenance, of that unbending will, and of that laughing, unpitying eye—and he felt convinced that he was hop.ag against hope, and despairing, he turned to the wall for oblivion from the wretchedness of his own thoughts. The second day was a@ repetition of the first; no allusion was made to the forbidden subject on either side. There was a look of quiet happiness and cheerfulness about the wife that puzzled Jack sorely, aad he felt that all idea of for- cing her into a surrender, must be abandoned. A third night he was alone with his thouglits. His reflections were more serious and impassioned than the night pre- vious. What they were, was known only to himself, but they seemed to result in something decided, for about midnight, three distinct raps were made at his wife’s door. No answer, and the signal was repeated in a louder tone; still all was silent, and a third time the door shook with violent attacks from the outside. ‘* Who's there ?” cried the voice of his wife, as if just aroused from a deep sleep. “It?s me, my dear, and perhaps a little the best whig you ever did see.” The revolution, in his opinion, was radical and permanent. THE DEAF AUNT AND DEAF WIFE. I had an aunt coming to visit me for the first time since my marriage, and I don’t know what evil genius prompted the wickedness which I perpetrated toward my wife and my ancient relative. “My dear,” said I to my wife on the day before my aunt’s arrival; ‘you know Mary is coming to-morrow ; well, I forgot to mention a rather annoying cireumstance with regard to her. She is very deaf, and although she ean hear my voice, to which she is accustomed, in ordinary tones, yet you will be obliged to speak extremely loud in order to be heard. It will be rather inconvenient, but I know you will do every thing in your power to make her stay agreeable.” Mrs. 8 announced her determination to make herself heard, if possible. I then went to John T—~, whe loves (Continued on 20th page.) MR, J. JOSH'S GRAND EXCURSION. 19 =a SS iS 8.--The enthusiasm displayed when the Emperor appears particularly charms him. Mrs. Partington told Bemus, the other day, in .confi- denee, that a young man had committed infanticide by blowing his brains up in a state of delirium tremendous, and the coroner was holding a conquest over his remains. The most amusing man in the world is a Frenchman in a passion—*‘ By gar, you call my vife a woman two three several times once more, an’ I vill call you the vatch- house, and blow out your brains like a candle.” Tne UnitversaL Passton.—A foreigner, who had mixed among many nations, was asked if he had observed any particular quality in our species that might be considered universal. He replied, “* Me tink dat all men Jove lazy.” Mrs. Smithers chastised her husband last week with a boot-yjack, for using her corsets for a vest. Poor creeter —such is life! ae One ought to have dates at one’s fingers’ ends, seeing that they grow upon the palm. A local paper says that an old lady applied to a grocer fer a pound of oblong tea. o ~ 20 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. a joke about as well as any person I know of, and told him to be at the house at 9 Pp. m., on the following even- ing, and felt comparatively happy. I went to the railroad depot with a carriage next night,. and when I was on my way home with my aunt, I said: ‘“‘My dear aunt, there is one rather annoying infirmity that Anna (my wife) has, which I forgot to mention before. She is very deaf, and although she can hear my voice, to which she is accustomed, in its ordinary tones, yet you will be obliged to speak extremely loud in order to be heard. Iam Very sorry for it.” Aunt Mary, in the goodness of her heart, protested that she rather liked speaking loud, and to do so would afford her great pleasure. 2 The carriage drove up—on the steps was my wife—in the window was John T——, with a face as utterly solemn as if he had buried all his relatives that afternoon. I handed out my aunt—she ascended the steps. “T am delighted to see you,” shrieked my wife, and the policeman on the opposite sidewalk started, and my aunt nearly fell down the steps. ‘Kiss me, my dear,” howled my aunt, and the hall lamp clattered, the windows shook as with the fever and ague. I looked at the window—John had disappeared. Human nature could stand it no longer. I poked my head into the carriage, and went into strong convulsions, When I entered the parlor my wife was helping Aunt Mary to take off her hat and cape. Suddenly, ‘Did you have a pleasant journey ?” went off my wife like a pistol, and John nearly jumped to his feet. “Rather dusty,” was the response in a warwhoop, and so the conversation continued. f The neighbors for blocks around must have heard it; when I was in the third story of the building I heard every word, In the course of the evening my aunt took oceasion to fy to me: ‘How loud your wife speaks; don’t it hurt rer. I told her all deaf persons talked loudly, and that my wife being used to it was not affected by the exertion, and that Aust Mary was getting along very nicely with her. Presently my wife said-softly: ‘Alf, how very loud your aunt talks.” (Continued on 22d pageé,) MR. J. JOSH’S GRAND EXCURSION. 9.-dn the “Sabbath he declines dancing in the French style in public. ‘ S Weak doses of wash-boards are now recorffmended by physicians to ladies who complain of dyspepsia. Young men troubled in the same way may be cured by a prepara- tion of saw-horse. Bryant says that ‘the groves were God’s first temples.” A good many romantic young lovers unquestionably find them delightful meeting-houses. A Biunper-Buss.—Kissing the wrong woman. Why is an auctioneer like a man with an ugly counte- nance? Ans.—Because he is always for-bidding. “How are you getting along?” cried the captain of a steamboat, to the people of a submerged town upon the Ohio, ‘Oh, swimmingly.” . _ If aman addicted to smoking marry a widow, does it follow that he must abandon his cigar because she gives up her weed? The best safety-valve to a boiler is a sober engineer. 23 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. “Yes,” said I, ‘all deaf persons do. You're getting along with her finely; she hears every word you say And I rather think she did. Elated by their suecess at being understood, they went at it hammer and tongs, till every thing on the mantel- piece clattered again, and I was seriously afraid of a erowd collecting in front of the house. But the end was near. My aunt, being of an investigat- ing turn of mind, was desirous of finding whether the ex- ertion of talking so loud was not injurious to my wile. So, ‘‘Doesn’t talking so loud strain your lungs ?” said she, in an unearthly whoop, for her voice was not as musical as it was when she was young. ‘“‘Tt is an exertion,” shrieked my wife. “Then why do you do it,” was the answering scream. “ Beeause—because—you can’t hear if I don’t,” squealed my wife. “What!” said my aunt, fairly rivaling a railroad. whis- tle this time. I began to think it time to evacuate the premises; and looking round and seeing John gone, I stepped into the back parlor, and there he lay, flat on his back, with his feet at right angles to his body, rolling from side to side, with his fist poked into his ribs, and a most agonizing ex- pression of gountenance, but not uttering a sound. I immediately and involuntarily assumed a similar attitude, and I think that from the relative position of our feet and head, and our attempts to restrain our laughter, apoplexy must. have inevitably ensued, if a horrible groan, which John gave vent to in his endeavor to suppress his risi- bility, had not betrayed our hiding-place. In rushed my wife and my aunt, who, by this time, comprehended the joke ; and such a scolding as I then got I never got before, and I hope never to get again. I know not.what the end would have been, if John, in his endeavors to appear respectful and sympathetic, had not given vent to such a groan and a horse-laugh, that ali gravity was upset, and we screamed in concert, I know it was very wrong, and all that, to tell such false- hoods, but I think that Airs. Opie herself would hawe laughed if she had seen Aunt Mary’s expression when she was informed that her hearing was defeetive. —~ MR. J. JOSH’S GRAND EXCURSION. NY ei OR te, lle ANS . SA , y 4 \s Ms \ NWN nies Na TM i diay i HH Cae Fi 10.—While making a close inspection of the water-works at Versailles, they are suddenly “let on.” What is the difference between a man who keeps dogs, and one who has nine walking-sticks? One owns canines _ and the other nine-canes. When a girl hunts a husband, the engagement-ring, to be in keeping, should always be chased. Why is a fool in high station like a man in a balloon? — Because everybody appears little to him and he appears little to everybody. A clerk in a musie store was lately overpowered by a fastidious young lady, who wished to purchase Mr. Thomas Hood’s—song of the—a—gentlemen’s under garment! The clerk, at the latest aceounts, was as well as could be ex- | pected. Bulwer says that “death often changes aversion into love.” Certainly it does. We may have an antipathy to swine, and yet love pork and sausages. SS ee nn Ni eS 24 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN, THE TROUBLES OF A MOVING-DAY. There are but very few persons in the world who have not in their time experienced the miseries of moving. Those who have been favored with such realizations will readily appreciate the following: Squab’s wife is a perfect Arab as far as roaming propen- sities and indecision arg concerned, or stability either. She has to move once a year to keep her hand in. She tells Squab, whenever he remonstrates, that that was the way her hléssed-and-now-gone-to-glory mother did when she was alive; and indignantly demands of Squab whether she isn’t to be allowed to worship the memory of the only mother she ever had. Squab, of course, meekly concedes her rights to maternal adoration, but has been heard fre- quently to b——less the deceased old lady for leaving him such a legacy as her daughter. The consequence of the legacy is, that Squab spends one-half of the year hunt- ing houses, and the other half in moving and getting set- tled. If Squab wasn’t possessed of an independence, the family would have starved before this, as it is evident that when both halves of the year are consumed in the manner alluded to, he would not be an extra-profitable partner in an enterprising and go-ahead business. The first of May _is Mrs. Squab’s holiday. How Squab detests it, and how the children run and hide under the bed, or into the coal- hole, whenever that fgrful date is mentioned. Squab’s | wife moved on Thursday to get ahead of draymen swin- dlers. Mr. Squab having spent a lifetime in moving, fur- aishes us the following items, with tears in his eyes: Tuurspay Nieut.—Slept in the umbrella stand. Four young ones put to bed on top of the sideboard with a chevaux de frise of clothes-horses to keep them fronrroll- ing off. Other two children asleep in bureau’ drawers, which Mrs. Squab had ingeniously arranged for French bedsteads. Mem. Last year on moving day and night I slept on a hat rack. Can’t say that the umbrella stand is an improvement. Woke in the morning with a general lumbago. : Fripay.—Worked all day lugging things up-stairs, and bringing them down again. Mrs. Squab evidently don’t know where she wants to place any thing. Suggested to her she had better melt up things, and pour them into the . (Continued on 26th page.) MR. J. JOSH’S.GRAND EXCURSION. , 25 11.—On the return trip the number of passengers is limited for the sake of comfort. The trouble with bow-legged .men is, that. they are always going on benders! A convict who was about to be sent to the House of Correction, was told they would set him to picking oakum. “Tet ’em try it, by gosh,” said he, “Til tear the darned thing to pieces!” “Why do you swing the scythe, Frank? I get: my liv- ing by my wits.” ‘Well, Bill, you can work with duller tools than I ean.” ‘“What. does a man think of when he thinks’of noth- ing?” asked a young lady of a gentleman with whom she had broken engagement, ‘He thinks, miss, of a woman’s promise,” replied the gentleman. Exit the erino- lime, exhibiting a countenance of a variety of colors. An epicure once asserted that two were required to make a meal of a chicken—himself and chicken. 26 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF TUN. house; was punished by getting nothing but cold mutton for dinner—she always gives me cold mutton moving-days. Mem. Am confident the mutton smeli—it always does on such occasions—but didn’t dare to say so. Sarurpay.—Tumbled down an undiscovered stairway, that was not set down in the lease of the new house. Took off very abruptly nearly a fathom of skin, Found my shaving-tools in the lard-keg. Discovered a very re- markable taste of hard soap in the coffee; didn’t say any thing about it, but must say I abominate fine-tooth combs. in hash. Mem. Coffee always does taste of hard soap for a week after moving. Sunpay.—Thought I would go to church, and get rid of Mrs. Squab’s pandemonium of miscellaneous furniture, constant directions, and erying children. Was politely in- formed by Mrs. S. that she intended to go to church, and I could stay at home and take care of the children. I did. She went to a friend’s to dinner, and one of the children was taken with the small pox in her absence. We shall all have it. The last occupant of the house is now in the pest-house—went there four days ago covered with pus- tules. Mrm. D—n the First of May. ENCOURAGING A NEWSPAPER. The following incident illustrates pretty foreibly tho idea that some people appear to have of encouraging newspapers : , The editor and publisher of a paper of one of our in- land cities had, a few years ago, among his subscribers, quite a prominent individual of the place, who had been a constant feader of the paper, since the commencement of its publication, but who had never paid a penny for sub- scription. The collector of bills having returned that against the delinquent to his employer, as one impossible to convert into cash, the editor resolved to give the party in question a broad hint as to his remissness, the first time an oppor- tunity should occur, in public. He did not have to wait long, for, in a few days, he discovered his negligent patron seated in the office of the principal hotel, surrounded by quite a group of friends, and disposing of cigars and ether (Continued on 28th page.) MR. J. JOSH’S GRAND EXCURSION. 12,—His new clothes and mustaches not recognized at home —consequent excitement, “Come here, my little one,” said a young man to a little girl, to whose ‘sister he was pa ing his addresses ; you are the sweetest thing on earth.” ‘No, Iam not,” she replied, artlessly: “sister sgys you are the sweetest. » The question was popped the next day. Location oF THE Heart.—An actor, eulogizing his mistress, one day, indicated by his manner a somewhat different, position of the heart. He went on thus:— “The ange!! I haye her picture here—I always wear it next my heart!” And here he produced tbe precious daguerreotype, not from. his Dowcs but from a pocket in—the tail of his coat!” The most cetusiahina’ time to buy cider is when it is not very clear; for then it will settle for itself. Whose best works are most trampled upon? A shee- maker’s—because good shoes last longer than bad ones, 28 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. little luxuries sufficient to have liquidated at least one year’s subscription. When the laugh at the last joke had subsided, the editor approached the group, and after the usual salutation to his subscriber, remarked— “ Colonel, you have had my paper now for five years, aud never paid for it, although the bill has frequently been sent. I should like my pay for it.” - “Pay!” ejaculated the Colonel, with genuine or well- feigned astonishment. ‘‘ Did you say Pay ?” ‘* Certainly,” was the reply ; “ you have had the paper, and I want the pay for it.” “Pay!” said the colonel again; ‘why it can’t be that you expect me to pay any thing for that paper? Why, / only took the blamed thing to encourage you !” The laugh from the circle of listeners to this dialogu. came in here like the bursting of a bomb-shell. “WE'VE STRUCK KENTUCKY.” It is well known to most of our readers that the enter. prise of ’ennesseans has constructed turnpikes in all di- rections from that State to the Kentucky line, under the promise of their Kentucky neighbors that they would con- tinue them into their State. All these ’pikes still end at the State line, with no prospect of their being extended. The consequence is, that in a season like the present, when the roads are soft, and there are frequent rains and snows, and heavy crops to haul over the road, they get into the most miserable condition, and it is no exaggera- tion to say that the traveler from Tennessee absolutely dreps into Kentucky; andif he does not drop in so deep that, horses can’t haul him out, he is lucky beyond the avévage of his class. A few days since a traveler from foreign parts took pas- sage Gn the two-wheel mail-cart for the interior of the State, and was enjoying a good nap. From this nap, howevef, he was suddenly aroused by a tremendous con- cussion, which threw him violently against the side of the box, skinning his nose and otherwise bruising his body. Upon looking about, he found the vehicle in the midst of a limitless sea of mud, aboutthe consistency of thincream, and the botiem of the box below water-line; the horses’ heads and necks were the only portions of the animals in (Continued on 80th page.) MR. FABULOUS’S STOCK EXPERIENCE. 29 MR. FABULOUS'S STOCK EXPERIENCE, 1.~He secures a fine lot certificate of East Diddletown Rail road scrip. One man asked another why his beard was brown and : his hair white. ‘ Because,” he said, *‘ one is twenty years younger than the other.” A Goop Wirness.—“Did the defendant knock the plaintiff down with malice prepense ?” “No, sir; he knocked him down with a flat iron.” “You misunderstand me, my friend;:I want to know whether he attacked him with any evil intent?” “Oh, no, sir; it was outside of the tent.” “No, no; I wish you to tell me whether the attack was at all a preconcerted affair?” “No, sir; it was not a free condéert affsir-——ir was 4 omcus.” 30 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. sight, and the driver was laying his whip on them. The traveler, recovering himself with a vehement execratien, inquired, ‘“‘ What is the matter ?” “Nothing,” responded the driver, busily plying his whip thewhile, “ only weve struck Kentucky.” Our traveler, in relating his experience, said he had, in the course of his life, been in a good many tight places— that he had been blown up on the steamboats, thrown off from railroads, and upset in stages*but that was the first time he had ever “run against a State,” and he believed Kentucky was the only State on the face of the earth where the thing could be done. AMATEUR GYMNASTICS. A young “Law Student,” a misanthropic dyspeptic, who was induced to “try” gymnastics, thus gives his ex- perience in that department of physical science :— “T didn’t attempt any thing for a goad while. I sat and calmly surveyed the scene, saw very little boys, who seemed to be qualifying themselves forthe profession of india-rubber men. I saw great strapping men (new- comers) attempt and fail in things which fellows whom they could put in their pockets, did with ease. I saw feats performed which seemed very hard, and which turned out to be very easy; and feats which proved very simple to look at, and ‘splitters’ to try; and then I took off my coat and ‘went in.’ I pulled up the small weights five or six times; I went along the horizontal ladder and the parallel bars once or twice. I went home, and found two blisters on my hands next morning. Still I went there the next evening; exercised twice as much as I did before; felt convinced that I was getting along very fast, and lay awake almost all night, my arms ached so. “T staid away about a week, and. then to work again manfully; became acquainted with»a young gentleman who ‘knew the ropes,’ and, under his guidance, | perform- ed many marvelous feats, and also met with more mis- haps than I believe anybody ever met before, in the same space of time. ; “Being long and lean, and naturally awkward, every ( Continued on 82d page.) . 2.—Of course 1t rises rapidly in the market. ‘Will you give me them pennies now ?” said a big news: doy to a little one, after giving him a severe thumping. “No, I won't,” exclaimed the little one. “Then I'll give you another pounding.” “Pound away. Me and Dr. Franklin agrees: ‘Take care of the pence, and the pounds will take care of them- selves,.’” “Bridget,” said a lady to her servant, ‘‘ who was that man you were talking with so long at the gate last night ?” ‘Sure, no one but me eldest brother, ma’am,” replied Bridget, with a flushed cheek. “Your brother; I did not know you had a brother. What is his name?” “Barney O’Troolighan, ma’am.” “Indeed! Your name is Conley; how comes it that his name is not the same as your own?” “Troth, ma’am,” replied Bridget, “he has been mar ried once.” Why are hoops like churck towers? They surreund the bells (belles). 83 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. new thing I learned was ushered in by a disaster or twa. But still 1 persevered, for I now ‘slept like a top,’ and ate at a rate very alarming to my boarding-house keeper. I persevered for two long months, and was still in the ‘ full tide of successful experiment,’ when, on going to the gym- nasium at my accustomed hour one evening, I found a brilliant assemblage of beauty, brought together by invi- tation of the managers, to witness our performance. “T disported myself on the floor for some time, until, at length, my evil genius impelled me to ascend, for the first time, a ladder which ran up one side of the room nearly to the ceiling; ther across, and down the other side of the room. Under the horizontal part of the ladder was temporarily placed a spring-board, of whose existence I was unaware. I wiggled up the ladder with convulsive jerks of the legs, the audience looked on in respectful silence; but when I reached the middle of the horizontal part, locomotion became impossible! I could neither go backward nor forward, but hung between heaven and earth, . like Mohammed’s coffin. I squirmed about with my legs, but I could find no rest for the solé of my feet. I could hold on no longer, and as the distance wasn’t very great, I determined to drop to the floor as gracefully as possible, and persuade the audience that it was done on purpose. So I let go, and down I came perpendicularly—and up I went ‘flying. Ihad come down on my feet on the spring- board. ° “‘ My first impression was a chaos, my second was, that I had dropped into the mouth of a cannon just as it was going off. Up I went, like a shuttlecock, almost to the ladder, at which I made a desperate but ineffectual ‘ claw,’ which threw me out of the perpendicular, and down I came, bang! in a sitting posture; up I went again, and gathered my legs under me distractedly as I rose; so that when I dropped again, I was shot in a slanting direction, head foremost, as from a catapult, into the waistcoat of a two-hundred-pound man, who was looking on in open- mouthed astonishment. Down he went, with a ‘ squelch,’ and over him I went, like lightning, into the dressing- room! TI rushed-into my clothes, and out of the building, and have never entered a gymnasium since!” MR. FABULOUS’S STOCK EXPERIENCE. 33 3.—But what does this mean? It goes down again. “What do you ask for that ere beast?” ‘One hun- dred and twenty-five dollars.” ‘Give you twenty-five.” “Take him along. It shan’t be said “that I spoiled a good horse-trade for a hundred dollars.” A clergyman was rebuked by a brother of the cloth for smoking. The smoker replied that he used the weed “ in modera- tion,” “What do you call moderation?” inquired the other. “Why, sir,” replied the smoker, “ one cigar at a time.” “Oh, Jacob,” said a master to hisapprentice boy, ‘it is wonderful to see what a quantity you can eat.” “Yes, master,” said the youth, “I’ve been practicing since I was a child.” In what suit does a man never feel comfortable? Ina law-suit. In Detroit they say there is but. three rounds in, the fadder of a negro’s ambition: a banjo, a boss barber, and a white wile. 34 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUR: TO HEAVEN V4 NEW ORLEANS, The Philadelphia correspondent of the New York Die patch gives the following :— We have a Methodist preacher here who is a jolly wag. A few days since, a young man who had long been at- tached to his church, and who was about to leave for New Orleans, came to bid his pastor farewell. ‘“‘And you are going to that degenerate place, New Or- leans, are you?” “Yes, sir; but Idon’t expect to be influenced by an ex- traneous pressure Of any kind,” responded the young man with considerable earnestness. ; “‘ Well, I am glad to see you so confident. TI hope the Lord will guide you. But do you know the temptations which exist there?” “No, not particularly.” “Well, I do; you'll find wanton women in guise of Peris, tempting the very elect; and rare wines and ardent drinks; and you'll find gay company, and night brawling, and gambling and dissipation, and running after the lusts of the old man Adam. “Still, sir, I hope to combat with them all success- fully.” “T hope you will, my dear Christian brother,” was the reply, ‘‘I hope you will.” And let me give you this much for your consolation, in case you should fall from. grace, The tempter is worse than the sin, and the greater the temptation the more merit there is in resisting it. The man- who goes to Heaven by the way of New Orleans is sure to have twice as high a place in eternal glory as he who reaches Paradise through the quiet portals of Penn- sylvania or Connecticut.” A DUTCH JUDGE. A friend gives us an amusing idea ofa “ Dutch Judge,” in the following sketch : He was about to sentence a prisoner, and on looking around for him found him playing checkers with his cus- todian, while the foreman of the jury was fast asleep. Replenishing the ample judicial chair with his breadcass (Continued on 80h page.) MR. FABULOUS’S STOCK EXPERIENCE, 33 CAST DID LE Toy 20 ABove Pov) We ven { trae See 4.—Oh, that was only a trick of the Bears! The secretary tells him so. : “Tsay, Mike, what sort of potatoes are those you are planting ?” ‘“* Raw ones, to be sure; your honor wouldn’t be think- ing I would plant boiled ones !” Sturgeon must be a pleasant fish to eat, if the Philadel- phia Gazette tells the truth. It says ‘‘the meat tastes very much like fricassead sponge, and imparts to the breath su Odor like that of onions and guano mixed.” Why is B like a hot fire? Because it makes oil boil. Why is C like a school-mistress? Because it forms lasses into classes. Why is D like a squalling child? Because it makes ma mad, — Why is Q rather impertinent? Because itis always in- quisitive. ‘ Why is S like a smart repartee? Because it beginsand ends in sauciness, 8 86 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. person, he thus addressed the jury: ‘Mr. voreman and t’other jurymens—Der brisoner, Hans Vleeter, is vinished his game mit der Sheriff, and has peat him, but I shall take gare he don’t peat me. Hans has been dited for murder for pefore you, and you must pring in der verdict, but it must pe’cording to der law. De man he kill’t vasn’t kill’t at all, and as it is broved he is in the jail at Morrisdown for sheep-stealing. But dat ish no matter. Der law says ven dere ish a tou’t, you shall give him to der brisoner, but hereish no tou’t—so you see he ish guilty. Pesides, he ish a great loafer. I haf know’d him vifty year, and he hasn’t done a sditch of work in all dat dimes, and dere ish no one debending on him for deir livin’, and he ish no use to no pody. I dinks it would pe good plans to hang him for de examble. I dink, Mr. Vorman’s, dat he petter be hung next fourt? o’ July, as der militia ish goin’ to drain in anoder gounty, and der would pe no vun goin’ on here.” It should be added, to the.credit of the jury, that in spite of this ‘learned and impartial charge,” they acquitted the “ brisoner,” finding him ‘not guilty, if he would leave the State.” Not long since, an old lady entered O’Reilly’s office, in this city, and said she had a message to send to Wlieeling. In a few minutes her note was deposited in a dumb-waiter, and ascended in a mysterious manner through the ceiling, “Ts that going straight to Wheeling?” asked the old lady, with her eyes bent upon the ceiling, ‘Yes, ma’ain,” answered the clerk. “T never was there,” continued she, “but it hardly seems possible that their town is in that direction. When will I get an answer, Mr. Telegraph ?” ; “T can scarcely tell, ma’am; it may be two or three hours.” The old lady went away and returned in exactly two hours. Just as she entered. the door, the dumb-waiter came down through the ceiling. ‘There is your answer, ma’am,” said the clerk. The old lady took the neat yellow envelope in her hands, with a smile of mingled gratification and astonishment. “‘ Now that beats all,” exclaimed she, “ bless my heart, All the way from Wheeling, and the wafer yet wet. This ia an awkward-looking box, but it can travel like pizen.” MR. FABULOUS’S STOCK EXPERIENG 87 5—He knows what to do—buys some more stock at once. Why is L like giving away a sweetheart? Because it makes over a lover. ‘ Why is T like an amphibious animal? Because it is found both in earth and water. When was B the first letter in the alphabet? In the days of no a (Noah). When is man like the letter B! When he is in bed. Which is the longest letter in the alphabet? An L (ell). If the alphabet were invited out, at what time would the last six letters go? After tea (T). The figures representing my age are what you should orev endeavor to do; what is my age? Forty (XL, xcel). What two letters of the alphabet are supposed to have eyes? Aand B, because A B see (C) D. ‘ Why are the letters B and D like England aad France? Because there is a sea (C) between them. 88 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. A TALL ONE. Do you know Tom ? Well, he lives down by us, in the town of Danville, and is counted by all persons, far or near, as the greatest liar “ out of jail.” He was a great hand for stories, and always has one ready, which, of course, no person believes. One evening afew of us were seated by the stove in the bar of the tavern, when the door opened, and Tom entered. Of course we all pressed him to tell us a yarn. , “But, boys,” said he, “I don’t know any.” “ Yes, you do.” We told him to give us a good yarn, and he should have a drink of what-he called ‘ white-eye.” So he be- an:— ““When I was at home, I found a cat one evening down by the road, and took it up to the house'to keep. And such a cat! it weighed about ten pounds, and was as black as a Guinea nigger. It would go round the house me- you, me-youing, until the ould ’ooman said I should drown’d it. ‘“So one morning I caught Tommy and took him to the creek, and tossed him in. Without waiting to see the result, I started home, Next morning, on getting up, I beheld mister Tommy seated on the porch, just starting his infernal me-youing. I grabbed him before he could © run, and taking him to the creek, tossed him in. After watching for a while, I went home, thinking I had sent the cat to ‘kingdom come.’ Next morning, the first thing I saw was the cat seated on the porch, making the air resound with his noise. I took him, picked up the hatchet, and proceeded to the creek. Arriving there, I cut off his head, and threw both parts into the water. I then went home, fully convinced that mister Tommy would not trouble us any more; but may I be blessed, next morning, if he wasn’t seated on the porch, with his head in his mouth!” iss ad A lady subscriber of the Louisville Journal, wrote Pren- tice that she was horrified at the indecency of his paper, and she threatened to set her foot on every copy that came under her observation. He suggests that she had’nt better do it, as his paper has i’s in it. MR. FABULOUS'S STOCK EXPERIENCE. 89 ne, Wh 4 ~ “yn Y WS LL wd ce » a eon ty jh 6—And treats his wife to a dinner at Parker’s Hotel. What trade was the man who killed William Rufus? A Bill-sticker. What trade is a little tin dog? A tinker (tin cur). What trade should excel in cooking rabbits? A hair- (hare) dresser. What Miss plays more tricks than a monkey? Mis- chief. i What Miss will ruin any man? Mis-management. The difference between a post-office stamp and a donkey is, that you stick one with a lick and the other you lick with a stick. It is undeniable, says Prentice, that in America it takes three to make a pair—he, she, and the hired girl. Had Adam been modern, there would have been a hired girl in Paradise to look after little Abel and ‘ raise Cain.” If people “ knew themselves,” some folks would make very bad acquaintance. 40 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. THROWING STONES AT THE DEVIL. A late reverend divine, well known for his quaint wit, as well as for his kindness of heart, walking out back of his house where a new street was opening, saw an Irish- man hard at work with a crowbar striving to dislodge a huge stone from the ground, where it was held fast by the roots of a tree. Pat’s patience was fairly exhausted by the vain struggles he had made, and at last he exclaimed, in a great passion— “The divil take it! the divil take it!” The old pastor approached him, and quietly remarked that he ought not to make such free use of the name of the Evil One, and certainly not to throw such a big stone at him as that. Pat was quiet in a minute, and striking his crowbar into the ground, and leaning leisurely on it, he turned up his face at once to the pastor and the sun- light, and while over it roguishly. played those inde- scribable forerunners of true Irish wit, he replied;— ‘Och, then, an’ it’s yerself that’s findin’ a fault wid me for sayin’ that same. ‘Troth it’s yees and the likes 0’ yees that’s paid by the year for abusing the ould ginftemin all the time, sure.” The old pastor turned away to smile and enjoy the re- ~ tort. An eccentric English divine was called upon to perform the funeral service of a dead debtor. After the ceremony was performed, and the body was on its way to the churchyard, the sheriff made a descent on the corpse, and attached it for debt, as by the then law of England he had the power to do, ‘Move on!” said the priest. . “Stop!” shouted the sheriff. “Move on!” exclaimed the priest, again. “This body is mine !” said the sheriff. “This body is God’s !” roared the priest. “In the King’s name, I command you to lower the coffin!” exclaimed the sheriff. “Bury the man!” shouted the infuriated priest, “and if the sheriff says three words, take him; too! I’ve read the funeral service, and somebody shall be buried.” MR. FABULOUS'S STOCK EXPERIENCE. 41 \ y—And in the silent watches of the night practices stump- speaking with a view of running for mayor of Diddletown. The best adhesive label you can put on luggage is to stick to it yourself. - Why does a sailor know there isa man in the moon? Because he has been to sea. A friend of ours says that he has been without money so long that his head aches. There is a man at Oxford who lives so fast that he is now absolutely older than his father. Why does a kiss repeated puzzle young ladies so de- lightfully ? Because it is a re-buss. A friend has a dog so very serious that even his tail has not the least bit of a wag about it. . In what ship, and in what capacity, do young ladies like to engage? In courtship, as marry-ners, A chap, on being asked what he would do if he was banished to the woods, said he thought he would spiit. BEADLE’S DIMM BOOK OF FUN. PRIZH ROMANCE. [SKEWERED BY ELEVING KOPY-RIGHTS, ] MOSES THE SASSY; Or, The Disguised Duke. A TALE OF BLOOD AND THINGR BY ARTEMUS WARD. CHAPTER I.—Moszgs. Me story opens in the classic freestinks of Bosting. In the parler of a aristocratic manshun on Bacon street, sits a lovely young lady whose hair is covered ore with the frosts of 17 summers. She has. just sot down at the Piany, & is singin the poplar peace called Smells of the Notion, in which she tells how with Pensiv Thawt she wondered by aC beet shore. The Son is settin in its horrizon and its gorjus lite pores in a golden meller flnd through the winders, and makes the bootiful young lady twict as bootiful as she was be4, which is onnecessary. She is magnifisuntly dressed up in a Berage basque with Poplin trimmins, More Antique edges and 3 ply carpeting. Her dress contanes 12 flounders, brilliantly ornamented with horn buttons, and her shoes are red morocker with gold spangles onto them, . Presently she presses. her hands to her buzzum and starts up in a excited manner. “Methinks,” she whispers in clarion tones, “I see a voice!” A noble youth of 27 summers scrapes the mud from his butes in the hall and enters. He is attired in a red shirt and black trowsis which last air turned up over his butes, and his hat is bewitchingly cockt on one side of his classicul hed. In sooth he was a noble child. Grease, in its barmiest days near projuced a more gallenter herow than Moses. The young lady gazes upon him fora few periods, clasps her hands together, strikes a position, and rollin her I’s wildly like a exspirin infantile cow, cries: ‘““Hat Do my I’s deceive my earsight? That frame! them store clothes! those voice! it is+it is me own, me only Moses!” and he folded her to his hart, ‘* Methinks I shall sweon,” she sed, and pretty soon she swowndid. (Continued on 44th page.) 43 MR. FABULOUS'S STOCK EXPERIENCE. FOAL IAN LY 8—Another fall in Diddletown stocks. This is bad. The sun is a very bright body; but the gentle moon, when she steps in between him and the earth, takes the shine out of him. There are some men who will walk up to the cannon’s mouth, and some women who will walk up to a lover's mouth without shrinking. Some sharpers seem to act upon the assumption, that if they cheat a poor fellow out of his land, he has no ground for complaint. The meanest man in the world lives in London. He buttons his shirt with wafers and looks at his money through a magnifying glass. A man of rank hearing that two of his female relations had quarreled, asked ‘‘ Did they call each other ugly?” “No.” ‘Well, well; I shall soon reconcile them.” “Tam afraid, my dear wife, that while I am gone, ab- sence will conquer love.” ‘“‘ Never fear, dear, the longer yeu stay away a better I shall like you,” 44 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. CHAPTER Il.—Was Moses or Nosir Birtu? Moses was foreman of Ingine Kumpany Number 40. The 40’s had jest bin havin a pleasant fite with the 50's on the day I introjuee Moses to my readers. Me had his arms full of troffees, to wit; 4 scalps, 5 I’s, 3 fingers, 7 ears, which he had chawed off, &c., &. When Elizy (for that was the lovely young lady’s name) rekivered from her swoon she asked, ; “‘ How hast the battle géne? Tell me!” “ Elizy,” said the brave young man, drawin hisself up to his full hite, ‘‘ we chawed ’em up and smashed their old mersheen all ter peaces!” “T thank the gods ;” she cride. ‘Thou didst full well, and hence4th I ware thee in me hart of harts! And Moses,” she continnerd, layin her hed confidinly agin his weskit, ‘dost know I sumtimes think thow wastest of noble birth ?” ““ No,” sez he, wildly ketching hold of hisself, ‘* you don’t say so?” “Tndéed do I,” she sed. ‘Your dead grandfather’s sperrit camest to me the other nite and sez he, ‘ Moses is a Disguised Juke !’” ‘*You mean Duke,” sed Moses. “ Dost not the actors all call it Juke ?” she sed sternly. That settled the matter. “T hav thought of this thing afore,” sed Moses abstract- edly. ‘If itis so, then thus it must be! 2B or not2B —that air’s the question! But no more of this now. Dry up. 0 life—life, you’re too many for me!” He tore out some of his pretty yeller hair, stamped on the floor wildly, and was gone. CHAPTER III.—Tuxe Pirvr Forep. Sixteen long and weary years has clapst since the scens narrowated in the larst chapter tuk place. A noble ship, the Sary Jane, is sailin from France to Ameriky threw the Wabash Canawl. A Pirut ship is in hot pursoot of the Sary Jane. The capting of the 8. J. looks fateeged and as tho’ he had lost all of his parunts. The Pirut is clost on to him & he is about givin in, when a fine-lookin feller in russit butes and a buffaler overcut rushes forrerd and ses ta the capting, sez he, (Continued on 46th page.» MR. FABULOUS'S STOCK EXPERIENCE. 45 9—Still lower! What does it mean? “Am TI nota little pale?” inquired a lady, who was short and corpulerit, of a crusty old bachelor. ‘* You look more like a big tub,” was the blunt reply. “‘T wonder, Lucy, how it feels to kiss one of those hor- rid creatures with a mustache.” ‘‘ Indeed; I don’t know, but I’m going to get the hearth-broom and try it,” A popular writer says that a woman “should be won by degrees.” Certainly—win first her ears and eyes, then her heart, then her lips, and then her hands. An Irish gentleman lately said to-another: “TI called to see your family but they were not at home ; and I suppose they had gone to ride in a carriage which was standing at the door.” A wife, whose husband recently started to visit the city of Washington, is represented to have said; “ Now, my\ dear, don’t mix with the public officers in Washington” especially with their wives! You know about Sickles 46 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. “Old man! go down stares- Retire to the starberd bulkhed. Ile take charge of this Bote!” ‘‘ Owdashus cuss!” sed the Capting, “‘ away with thee or I shall do mur-rer-der-r-r!” ‘‘Scacely,” sez the noble feller, and he drew a diamond- hilted sword and cut the capting’s hed off. ‘‘O that I shood liv to becum a ded boddy!” sed the Capting, as he fell tothe deck. He expired shortly after- wards, being fatally killed. ‘“* People!” sed the nobler feller, “Ime the Juke de Moses!” ‘* Old hoss, methinks thou art blowin!” sed a youth of 49 summers, and the Juke cut off his hed likewise. ** Don’t print any verses on my deth in the noosepapers,” screamed the unfortnit young man as he fell ded on the deck, “ fur if yer do le haunt yer!” ‘‘ People!” continnered the Juke, “I alone kin save you from yon bluddy and unprincipled piruts! What hoe there! A peck of oats!” The oats was immejitly brawt. The Juke took them and bravely mounting the jibpoop he threw them onto the towpath. In a minit the leading hoss hicht to the Pirut Bote cum along, stopt, and com- menced fur to devour the oats! The driver swore and hollered at him terrible, but he wouldn’t budge a inch. Meanwhile the Sary Jane, her hosses on the clean jump, was fast leavin the Pirut ship! ‘“*Onct agin do I escape deth!” sed the Juke between his clencht teeth, still on the jibpoop. CHAPTER IV.—Tne Wanpverenr’s Return. The Juke was Moses the Sassy. He had bin in France about sixteen years, and now he was home agin in Bosting, He had some trubble in gettin hisself acknowledged as Duke in France, as the Orleans Dienasty and Borebones were fernenst him, but he finally conkered, and now hg had erossed the deep blue C to git his own Elizy. She knew him to onct, as one of his ears and a portion of his nose had bin chawed off in his fights with opposition fire. men durin boyhood’s sunny hours. They were marridid and went to France, to reside in their ducal Pallis which was gut up regardlis of expense. They had several chib (Continued on 48th page,) MR. FABULOUS’S STOCK EXPERIENCE. 4? (PLACER I (OST | rege 10—Mr. Fabulous becomes a prey to despair. Who was the first whistler? The wind, What tune did it whistle? Over the hills and far away. “Whose son are you, my little boy?” ‘I ain’ts nobody’s son just now. I’m Mr. Thomson’s nephew, sir.” Leave your grievances, as Napoleon did his létters, un- opened for three weeks, and it is astonishing how few of them, by that time, will require answering. A. young woman ought, like an angel, to pardon the faults she can not comprehend; and an elderly woman like-a saint because she has endured trials. A mother was relating to her little daughter the story of our Saviour’s sufferings, death, and glorious ascension ‘And the vail of the temple was rent in twain, the dead arose from their graves, and the sun went out, and it was quite dark,” ‘*No wonder, mamma; it went out to light Christ back te Heaven.” , ”" 48 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. dren, and lived toa green old age, beluved “by all both grate and small,” as the Poick sez.” The Pirut Capting was eapterd, tride, convicted, and sentenced to read all the letters that I shall write for the ensooin 4 years. His friends are endeverin to git his sen- tunce commuted to imprisonment for life, 1 hour in each day to be devoted to readin the Canada papers. He sez this sentunce is worser nor tother one was. Still he don’t care much as long as he gits his meals reglar. This is my 1st attempt at writin a Tail & it is far from being perfeck, but if I hay indoosed folks to see that in 9 cases out of 10 they can either make Life as barren as the Dessert of Sarah or as joyyus as a flower garding, my ob- jeck will hav bin accomplished. Adoo. _ A LIST OF UNPUBLISHED INVENTIONS. . A powder-proof female. . A wed-lock which can not be picked by lawyers. . A peck measure which holds but a half peck. . An electrical machine which gets up an affinity be- tween uncongenial spirits. 5. An electro-magnetic alarm which warns susceptible ~oonpw . young women against designing men. 6. A machine which cleans and thrashes children. 4. A machine which goes through the whole process of courtship and marriage. This is the invention of a tailor and hair-dresser, 8. A machine which cuts poor old acquaintances and makes new rich ones. It is the invention of a retired mil- lionaire. 9. A disagreeable easy chair for unwelcome visitors. It is upholstered with currycombs, hair-pins, and fish- hooks. No editorial sanctum should be without one. 10. A machine for polishing a tarnished character. Tho polishing is conducted in a fashionable church, by means of a bank-note and sand-paper. 11. An instantaneous hair-dye (die). This is a compo- sition into which Cincinnati whisky largely enters. It op- erates on the body first, and then on the hair. 12. A’ composition to make fat mén lean, It is almost wholly composed of alcohol. We saw a fine-looking, portly gentleman, who had just taken a dose, Jean against a lamp-post the other night. MR. FABULOUS'S STOCK EXPERIENCE. 49 I1—Utterly ruined, he becomes a hopeless, raving maniac, ‘* Among all my boys,” said an old man, ‘I never had but one boy who took after me, and that was my son Aaron, who took after me with a club.” A man falls in love just as he falls down stairs. It is an accident, perhaps, and a very probable misfortune; something which he neither intended, nor foresaw, nor apprehended. But when he runs in love, it is as when he runs in debt; it is done knowingly and intentionally, and very often rashly and foolishly, even if not ridiculously, miserably, and ruinously. ; A discussion arose in a coffee-room at Southampton as to the nationality of a gentleman at the other end of the room. ‘He's an Englishman,” said one, “I know it by his head.” ‘He’s a Scotchman,” said another, ‘I know it by his complexion.” ‘‘He’s a German,” said another, “T know by it his beard.” Another thought he looked like a Spaniard. Here the conversation rested, but soon one of them spoke: ‘‘I have it,” said he, “ he’s an Ameri- can; he’s got his legs on the table.” 50 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. HOW HE “DYED” FOR LOVE. An amusing story is told, as an episode to a story in a foreign review, about a military young gentleman who dyed for love. The hero was named De Marsay. He was violently enamored of a very pretty woman whom he met by chance in the street, and discoveréd afterward to be the wife ofa ‘ dyer,” in the Rue de Marias. Whether she was disposed to favor his addresses, or acted in concert with her husband to punish him, is not very easy to say; the result would inclipe to the latter supposition. At all events, she gave him a rendezvous, at which they were surprised by the dyer himself—a fellow strong a3 Hercules, and of an ungovernable temper. He rushed wildly on De Marsay, who defended himself for some time with his rapier; a false thrust, however, broke the weapon at the hilt, and the-dyer, springing forward, caught poor Gustave round the waist, and actually carried him over his head, and plunged him neck and heels into an enormous tank filled with dyestuff! How he escaped drowning—how he issued from the house and ever reached his home—he never was able to tell. It is more than probable the con- sequences of the calamity absorbed and obliterated all else ; for when he awoke the next day he discovered that he was totally changed—his skin, from head to foot, being dyed a deep blue! It was in vain that he washed and washed, boiled himself in hot baths, or essayed a hundred cleansing remedies; nothing availed in the least—in fact, many thought that he came out only bluer than before. The most learned of the faculty were consulted, the most distinguished chemists—all in vain. At last a dyer was sent for, who in an instant recognized the peculiar tint, and said: ‘ Ah, there is but one man in Paris has the secret of this color, and he lives in the Rue de Marias.” Here was a terrible blow to all hope; and in the discour- agement it inflicted three long months were passed, De Marsay growing thin and wretched from fretting, and by his despondency occasioning his friends the deepest solici- tude. At length one of his relatives resolved on a bold step. He went direct to the Rue de Marias and demanded to speak with the dyer. It is not easy to say how he opened a negotiation of such delicacy ; that he did so with eonsummate tact and skill, there can be no doubt, for he ( Continued on 62d page.) MR. FABULOUS’S STOCK EXPERIENCE. 61 2~—And finishes his existence by draining the contents of his ink-bottle. It is said that a watch-dog is not so large in the morn- ing as at night, because he is let out at night and taken in the morning. Why are a country-girl’s cheeks like French calico? Be- cause they are ‘‘ warranted to wash and retain their color.” The young lady who saw a baby without kissing it, has acknowledged that her friend’s bonnet is handsomer than her own. ; Jenkins says his brother, who edits a paper out West, is doing first-rate. He has had two new hats within the past three years. Jenkins is inclined to take on airs. “Tf a dog’s tail is cut off entirely, will it not interfere with his locomotion 2’ ‘ Not exactly; it will not affect his carriage, but it will stop his wagging.” “I mean to abandon my habits of life,” said a dissipated gentleman. ‘Are you sure, sir, they are not abandoned already?” asked his friend. 52 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. so worked upon the dyer’s compassion by the picture of the poor young fellow, utterly ruined in his career, unable to face the world—to meet the regiment—even to appear before the enemy, being blue—that the dyer at last con- fessed his pity, but at the same time cried out: ‘* What canI do? There is no getting it off again.” “No getting it off again! do you really tell me that?” exclaimed the wretched negotiator. “Impossible! that’s the patent,” said the other, with an ill-dissembled pride. ‘I have spent seven years in the in- vention. I only hit upon it last October. Its grand merit is that it resists all attempts to efface it.” “ And do you tell me,” cries the friend in terror, “ that this poor fellow must go down to his grave in that odious —well, I mean no offence—in that unholy tint?” ‘“‘There is but one thing in my power, sir.” ‘‘ Well, what is it, in the name of metcy? Out with it, and name your price!” “T can make him a very charming green! yes, a beau- tiful green, monsieur !” “RETAINED FOR THE SNAKE.” The San Andreas Independent tells the following anec- dote of Col. J. (Col. James, we suspect), a San Francisco lawyer, who, during the late campaign, put up at an hotel in one of the northern counties. The Colonel ‘“‘ went in” to alittle game of poker (now we’re certain), and ‘‘ went through” and soon crept off to bed. ‘Soon after, a brawny specimen of Pike, dressed in ‘‘jeans” and wolf-skin cap, arrived in search of legal advice. He was taken imme- diately to the Col.’s room, where, after wolf-skin had shaken the legal gentleman into consciousness, the follow- ing conversation occurred: “Are you Squire J = “Yes; what do you want, old boy?” “ Wall, squire, reckon I shall hev ter git a feller o’ your sort fur tur plead a lawsuit.” ‘““What’s it about, my good man?” “Bout a hoss.” Here the Col. was all attention and courtesy. He raised himself on his elbows, and put his ear close to his elient’s ( Continued on 54th page.) BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. SNS SSS aa ESS SASS barge SS A YN |e ESS Pes = 2, = Old lady crossing the street, little boy shouts out, “Hi!” Old lady, though there is no cause for alarm, is greatly agitated, and imagines herself run over by an omnibus. The most economical time to buy cider is, when it is not very clear, for then it will settle for itself. An old sailor, at the theater, said he supposed that dancing girls wore their dresses at half-mast, as a mark of respect to departed modesty. A wife’s farewell to, her husband every morning—“ buy and buy.” Why is a kiss like a rumor? Because it goes from mouth to mouth. i “What have you to remark, madam, about my singing?” “ Nothing, sir, it is not remark-able.” “Husband, I must have some change to-day.” “Well, itay at home, and take care of the children; that will be shange enough, anyhow.” “Do you think that lobsters are healthy?” “Yes; I ‘sever knew one complain of being out of health in my life. 54 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN, lips. Here, he concluded, was a chance to get even on the night’s losses at poker—a $300, perhaps a $600 horse in dispute, and the bright vision of a $100 fee flitted rapidly across his mind,. “*State all the circumstances if you please, my kind friend.” “Wall,” said old wolf-skin, “you see as I borry’d this ’ere hoss uv a feller named Flipkins, what keeps a chicken ranch on Poverty Slide (the Gol. drew his head in six inches), an’ arter I'd rid the sway-backed, moon-eyed ole critter tell night (here down went the elbows), I kerried the wind-sucker outen the yard (the Col.’s head struck the pillow), and staked his spavin’d bones on a hill ’mong the tall grass, to give his hide-bound carcass a chance for-good provender. (The Col. waved his hand impatiently, but the old wolf went on.) Wall, a rattlesnake bit ’im on the glandered snout, an’ now the tarnel critter’s got the big head, and ole Flipkins wants me ter pay damages. You've hearn the case, squire.” “What is the damages?” roared the Col. ‘« ¥-j-y-e dollars!” His head suddenly popped under the cover, and the now raving Col. shouted: “Take yourself out of this, J’m re- tained for the snake !” ANECDOTE OF THE BLACK MAN. The Frankfort (Ky.) correspondent of the Louisville Journal tells the following: In the House, the bill appropriating $15,000 to the Blind Asylum was passed, and leave was asked and ob- tained to bring in a vast number of bills. Indeed enough work was initiated to-day to keep the Legislature at work until the 4th of July, And now, while I am in the humor, I will endeavor to transfer to paper an excellent story, which a, mad wag tells most inimitably. Nearly all the political readers of the Journal know William R. Camp- bell, for so many years the Whig doorkeeper of the House of Representatives here. He is responsible for the follow- a acces ing: tn the year 1836, Campbell went to Ohio, from Nichola county, in this State, to hunt for some runaway negroes ( Continued on 56th page.) BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. - 66 a Poor Cockney gent, gunning, breaks through the ice. Along comes the proprietor of the place—“ Hallo, sir! do you know that you are traspassing !” Why is a begging impostor’s moan like a slang phrase ? Because “it is very like a whale,” (wail). A beggar importuned a lady for alms—she gave him a shilling. “God bless your ladyship,” said he, “ this will prevent me from executing my resolution.” The lady, alarmed, and thinking he meditated suicide, asked him what he meant. “ Alas, madam,” said he, ‘but for thig shilling I should be obliged to work.” A poor loafer, on hearing that they charged five dollars a day for board in California, said he would go there and live, as he wished to get in some place where he could get his board charged to him, He is not particular about the price. \ A good story is told of a country gentleman. who, for the first time, heard an Episcopal clergyman preach, He had heard much of the aristocracy of the church, and when he returned home he was asked if the people were “stuck up.” ‘‘Pshaw! no,” he replied, “why the minis ter actually preached in his shirt-sleeves,” We Sek a a 56 BEADLE’S DIMH BOOK OF FUN. He intended to go to Snake Creek, Warren county, Ohio, where there was a negro settlement, which he had reason to believe harbored his runaways. He stopped at Lebanon, the county seat of Warren, his horse being sore and jaded, and entering the hotel there entered his name on the register. It was about three weeks after the Kentucky State election, and as soon as the loungers discovered that he was from this side of the river, they crowded round to learn the result, and one gentléman inquired of him who had been elected Governor, Campbell told him that Judge Clark had been elected Governor over Mr. Flournoy. The inquirer did not believe this, and offered to bet $100 that it was not the case. Campbell told him he was not in the habit of betting, but assured him that his information was correct. Just then a black fellow, who had come into the bar-room—a thin, dapper fellow, who looked like a barber—stepped forward and told the gentleman he was the man for his bet, but the gentleman said.he did not want to bet with him, but to take the Kentuckian down, for they were always. a bragging set. The black fellow then asked Campbell if he was from Kentucky, and receiv- ing an affirmative answer, proposed they should take a walk together. Campbell hesitated at first, as he was not in the habit of such associations, but remembering the object of his mission, and Te the darkey could put him on the track of his runaways, he finally consented, as he was somewhat curious to know the object of the re- quest. When on the street, he asked Campbell if he ever drank. Campbell replied, ‘ Yes, sometimes,” upon which his sable guide led him into a coffee-house, and asked if they had any bacon for sale, The keeper said no, when the black fellow told he owed a small bill already, and if he would sell him some bacon he would pay him all, but if he would not, he should pay nothing. The keeper then set out some whisky, and they both took a drink. Camp- bell, however, omitting the touching of glasses, as he says, “because it was not customary in Kentucky to hob or nob with a negro.” After the libation, Campbell, seeing an engine passing to a fire, rushed out into the crowd, and made several dexterous dodges and passes among the fire- men and citizens, in hopes to escape his companion, who was becoming rather a bore, and he did not much care to have his friends see him in such company. He contrived ( Continued on 58th page.) BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF #tgr. Snarp Boy.— Missus, what are those?” OLp Woman.—*‘ Twopence.” : Suarr Bor.— What a lie—they’re apples.” “T must leave in dis-gust,” as the darkey said when he bid his friend ‘‘ good night” during a thunder-storm. Light fantastic tow—A steam-tug towing a sail-boat. A man who had been married twice to ladies both named Catharine, advised his friends against taking dupli-Kates. When a person is afflicted with a eold, he generally as- sures you it isa bad one. Did any person ever hear of a good cold ? An old Jady being asked to subscribe to a newspaper, declined, on the ground that when she wanted news she manufactured it. A-book canvasser states, on calling on a man in Arkan- sas to purchase a book, he was told that he would be glad to have the book, but that he had a book already; and the idea ef having two books seemed preposterous. 58 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. to escape, and returned to the hotel, where he was ye- joined by his sable friend. Campbell thought this becom- ing rather familiar, and 80, to avoid him, he walked out to the stables to look after his nag, but his dark shadow soon followed him. Thinking he would commence a con- versation which might lead to inquiries about Snake Creek, he asked what was good for the sore back of a horse chafed with the saddle. The presumed barber seemed a horse- leech also, for he promptly replied, ‘“‘Calomel, dry calo- mel, the very best thing in the world, sprinkled over the raw spot.” Campbell, though he regarded the fellow as useful, as well as ornamental, was anxious to get rid of him, and so returned toward the hotel again, but his shadow would be at his side. If he fell behind, it would fall back too, and if he hurried his step, it would accelerate its speed. Finally, they stopped, and the intruder com- meneed the following colloquy : “From what county in Kentucky do you hail?” “* Nicholas.” ‘Ah! that adjoins Bourbon, doesn’t it ?” epee Fy “TI thought so. I was born in Bourbon myself. Do you know Governor Metcalf?” “Very well.” “Do you know Garret Davis?” “*T do,” “Do you know Chilton Allen ?” “‘Tntimately well.” “Ah! Kentucky is a great State, and you have a great man living among you, sir—the greatest man the country has ever known or can ever know.” ‘*Whom do you refer to ?” “Henry Clay, sir—a man, sir, a head and a shoulder above every other man in the Union.” ““Why, my good fellow, where did you get acquainted ‘with all these gentlemen ?” ‘Oh, I served in Congress with them.” “You! why who are you—what’s your name!” “Corwin, sir—Tom Corwin!” There! isn’t that the best joke on Corwin’s dark com- plexion extant? I don’t think it has ever been put to paper before, and it is too good to be lost. BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF «FUN. 59 Young genius, not having the fear of. the broom before his eyes, indulges in drawing a “‘ portrait of a lady.” The editor of a California paper thus advises a gambling correspondent of his journal: ‘ Find a three-story ware- house, climb along the ridge pole, discover a big flat rock on a direct line from the termination, turn your moccasins up to the sun, and let yourself go—the discovery of your brains on the rock below will be conclusive and gratifying evidence that a nuisance has been abated.” An exchange paper says, “ if you would keep your chil- dren in health, give them fresh air.” This is well enough; but now-a-days children put on so many airs of their own that it is impossible to give them a fresh one every day. Pronovuncine.—“ La! ma, here’s a heagle.” Ma (re- proachfully)}—* A heagle! Oh! you bignorant gal. Vy, it’s ahowl.” Keeper of the menagerie—“ Axes parding, mum, ’tis an awk!” A pretty girl and a wild horse are liable to do much mischief; for the one runs away with a fellow’s body, wnd the ether runs away with his heart. 5 60 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. HINTS TO YOUNG GENTLEMEN, Don’t give up your seat in the cars, when you are tired out with your day’s work, to a pert young miss who has been amusing herself with a little shopping—she won’t even thank you for it; and if a man is going to sacrifice his Comfort, he has a reasonable right to expect, at least, a little gratitude. No use being polite to some ladies— there’s an old proverb about casting your pearls before— what’s their name ? rs. Don’t submit to be crowded off the pavement into a muddy gutter by two advancing balloons of silk and whalebone. Haven’t your newly blacked boots as good n claim to respect as their skirts? Look straight before you, and stand upon your rights like a man—the ladies can contract themselves a little if they see there’s no help for it! Don’t talk literature and fine arts to the pretty girls of your acquaintance until you are sure they know the dif- ference between Thomson’s Seasons and Thompson’s Avithmetic. And if they look particularly sentimental, then you may know they don’t understand what you are talking about ! Don’t ask a nice little girl about her doll unless you are very certain that she hasn’t “come out,” and been en- gage! in two or three flirtations already. Dou’t say complimentary things to a young lady ata party, without first making sure that her “intended” is not standing behind you the whole time. Don’t accept a lady’s invitation to go shopping with her, unless you have previously measured the length of your urse. : 7 Don’t stay later than eleven o’clock when you spend the evening with a pretty friend—the wisest and wittiest man in Christendom becomes a bore after that hour. ' Don’t believe any woman to be am angel. If you feel any symptoms of that disease, take a dose of sage tea and go to bed—it is as much a malady as the small-pox, and it is your business to get over it as quickly as possible. An angel, indeed! If you don’t find out pretty soon that she lacks considerably more than the wings, we are. mis- taken ! Den’t make up your mind about any creature in a belt (Continued on 62d page,) BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. “Have a cigar, grandpa ?”—‘ Mercy on us, no, child! I never smoked in my life.’—‘‘ Ah, well, I wouldn’t advise you to begin, then,’ A minister of the gospel, with not much of the pulpit gift, came into the place of worship drenched with rain, and said to a brother who stood by, as he shook, and brushed, and wiped his clothes—‘‘I will certainly take cold if I go into the pulpit. so wet.” ‘Oh, no,” was the reply, ‘you are always dry enough there!” ‘Well, farmer,-you told us your place was a good place for hunting; now, we have tramped it for three hours and found no game whatever.” “Just so. I calculate, as a general thing, that the less yame there is, the more hunting you have.” The announcement of the marriage at Aubur , of Mr. Edward Straw to Miss Eva Smiley, suggests the probability that he tickled her with a proposal, and that she smiled a consent. It seems no more than right that men should seize Time by the forelock; for the rude old fellow, sooner or later, pulls all their hair out. : 62 BEADLS’3 DiMk BOOK OF FUN. ribbon and velvet rosettes, without first asking your sis- ter’s advice. Depend upon it, one woman can read another better in five minutes than you can in five years! And, above all, don’t imagine that you must keep your lady-talk and gentleman-talk in separate budgets, labeled and sorted, unless you want the girls to laugh at your wishy-washy sentimentalisms, Talk to them in a frank, manly style, as you would to an intelligent gentleman. Don’t suppose, because they are women, they,don’t know any thing. Remember all this advice, and you may make rather less of a fool of yourself than you would otherwise. - COUSIN SALLY DILLIARD. A LEGAL SKETCH IN THE ‘OLD NORTH STATE.” Scenz.—A Court of Justice in North Carolina. A beardless disciple of Themis rises, and thus addresses the Court: ‘‘ May it please your Worships, and you, Gen- tlemen of the Jury, since it has been my fortune (good or bad, I will not say) to exercise myself in legal disquisitions, it has never befallen me to be obliged to prosecute.so direful, marked, and malicious an assault—a more wilful, violent, dangerous battery—and finally a more diabolical breach of the peace, has seldom happened in a civilized country; and I dare say it has seldom been your duty to pass upon one so shocking to benevolent feelings, as this which took place over at Captain Rice’s, in this county. But you will hear from the witnesses.” The witnesses being sworn, two or three were examined and deposed—one said that he heard the noise, and did not see the fight ; another that he seem the row, but didn’t know who struck first; and a third, that he was very drunk, and couldn’t say much about the skrimmage. Lawyer Chops.—1 am sorry, gentlemen, to have occu- pied your time with the stupidity of the witnesses @x- amined. It arises, gentlemen, altogether from misappre- hension on my part. Had I known, asI now do, that I had a witness in attendance who was well acquainted with all the circumstances of the case, and who was able to make himself clearly understood by the court and jury, I (Continued on 642h page.) BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. Hollo! hi! here! somebody! I’ve turn’d on the hot water, and I can’t turn it off again! Life may be merry as well as useful. Every person that owns a mouth has always a good opening for a laugh. A wit having fallen heir to a cowhiding process, was reproached with not avenging himself of the insult. “Sir,” he replied, ‘‘I never meddle with what passes behind my back.” “ How do you like my new turn-out?” said an ex-oflice holder, calling attention to his equipage. ‘“‘ Better, no doubt, than you liked the one the Government gave you,” replied an acquaintance. A man may generally expect a domestic “ breeze” when his wife begins to put on “ airs.” The Great Hydropathists—Milkmen. ‘Salad for the Solitary””—Lettuce alone. Advice to young men—Get a piece of calico that will wash. When a person runs away with a wrong idea, can he be eempelled to bring it back ? 64 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. should not so long have trespassed upon your time and patience. Come forward, Mr. Harris, and be sworn. So forward comes the witnsss, a fat, ae old man, a ‘“leetle” corned, and took his oath with an ir. Chops.—Harris, we wish you to ‘tell all about the riot that happened the other day at Captain Rice’s; and as a good deal of time has already been wasted in cireumlocu- tion, we wish you to be compendious, and at the same time as explicit, as possible. Harris.—Adzactly (giving the lawyer a knowing wink, and at the same time clearing his throat), Captain Rice, he gin a treat, and cousin Sally Dillard, she came over to our house and axed me if my wife she moutn't go? I told cousin Sally Dilliard that my wife was poorly, being as how she had a touch of the rheumatics in the hip, and the big swamp was in the road and the big swamp was up, for there had been a heap of rain lately ; but howsomever, as it was she, cousin Sally Dilliard, my wife she mout go. Well, cousin Sally Dilliard then axed me if Mose he moutn’t go? I told cousin Sally Dilliard that he was the foreman of the crap, and the crap was smartly in the grass ; but howsomever as it was she, cousin Sally Dilliard, Mose mout go Chops.—In the name of common-sense, Mr. Harris, what do you mean by this rigmarole? Witness.—Captain Rice, he gin a treat, and cousin Sally Dilliard she came over to our house and axed me if my wife she moutn’t go? I told cousin Sally Dilliard —— Chops.—Stop, sir, if you please; we don’t want to hear any thing about your cousin Sally Dilliard and your wife— tell us about: the fight at Rice’s, Witness.—W ell, I will, sir, if you will let me. Chops.—W ell, sir, go on. Witness.—Well, sir, Captain Rice he gin a treat, and cousin Sally Dilliard she come over to our house and axed me if my wife she moutn’t go—— Chops.—There it is again, Witness, please to stop. Witness.—W ell, sir, what do you want? Chops.—We want to know about the fight, and you must not proceed in this impertinent story. Do you know any thing about the matter before the court ? Witness.—To be sure I do. (Continued on 66th page.) BEADLE'’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. - A back view of Bsrnum’s elephant! A reanaway thief having applied to a blacksmith for work, the latter showed some handcuffs, and desired to know if he made th kind of work. “Why, yes, sir,” said the fellow, scratching his pate, ‘‘guess I’ve had a hand in ’em.” If you want an ignoramus to respect you, ‘dress to death,” and wear watch-seals about the size of a brickbat. Scrutinize a lawyer closely when he advises you to avoid _ litigation, and a doctor when he drinks your health. A cobweb marriage is thus noticed by one of or ex- changes: F “ Married last week, John Cobb to Miss Kate Webb.” Their house will undoubtedly be full of Cobwebs, A young lady being asked why she did not attend a party to which she had been invited, replied: ‘ I forgot all about the party, and ate onions for breakfast.” If corns are hereditary, they might properly be ealled patrimenial achers (acres). 66 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. Chops.— Well, go on and tell it, and nothing else. ] Witness.— Well, Captain Rice he gin a treat Chops.—This is intolerable May it please the court, I move that this witness be committed for a contempt, he seeims to be trifling with this court. Court.—W itness, you,are now before a court of justice, and unless you behave yourself in a more becoming man- ner, you will be sent to jail; so begin and tell what you know about the fight at Captain Rice’s. Witness (alarmed).—Well, gentlemen, Captain Rice he gin a treat, and cousin Sally Dilliard Chops.—I hope the witness may be ordered into cus- tody. Court (after deliberating).—Mr. Attorney, the court is | of the opinion that we may save time by telling witness to go on in his own way. Proceed, Mr. Harris, with your story, but stick to the point. : Witness.—Yes, gentlemen. Well, Captain Rice he gin : a treat, and cousin Sally Dilliard she came over to our house and axed me if my wife moutn’t go? I told cousin - ih Sally Dilliard that my wife she was poorly, being as how : she had the rheumatics in the hip, and the big swamp was i up; but howsomever, as it was she, cousin Sally Dilliard, Hi my wife she mout go. Well, cousin Sally Dilliard then i) axed me if Mose he moutn’t go. I told cousin Sally Dil- liard as how Mose—he was the forer of the crap, and HH the crap was smartly in the grass—but howsomever, as it { was she, cousin Sally Dilliard, Mose he mout go. So they goes on together, Mose, my wife, aud cousin Sally Dilliard, and they came to the big swamp, and i¢ was. up, as I was ’ telling you; but being as how there was a log across the big swamp, cousin Sally Dilliard and Mose, like genteel folky they walked the log; but my wife, like a darned fool hoisted her coats and waded through. And that’s | all I know about the fight. . et Marine Intretiigence.—A Washington paper contains the marriage of Martin Brigg to Louisa Schooner, Everard Boatman to Margaret Scull. George Shipp to Phebe Cutter, What a fleet, to be sure. Half of it manned, and all, we hope, well mated. Among so many vessels there ought to be quite a number of berths. We'll sea about it. Ig the mean time, look out for squalls, BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. oye, Has your doll had the measles, Amelia ?”—‘ No, dear, but it has been very fractious about its teeth.” A fellow who was pitched into a gutter where garbage is thrown, describes it as an “ offal” fall. Why is killing bees like a confession? Becaese you unbuzz’um. 1 ® “Ma, didn’t the minister say, last Sunday, that sparks flew upward?” ‘‘Yes, my dear; how came you to think of it?” ‘‘Because yesterday I saw cousin Sally’s spark staggering down the street, and fall downward.” A little girl, nine years old, having attended a soiree, being asked by her mother, on returning, how she enjoyed herself, answered, ‘‘I am full of happiness ; I couldn’t be any happier unless I could grow. “Tommy, my son,” said & fond mother, “ do you say our prayers night and morning?” _ “‘ Yes, that is, nights; ut any smart boy can take care of himself in the daytime. & high rent—a hole in the crown of your hat. BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. THE FASTEST FUNERAL ON RECORD. “‘Turrah ! hurrah! the dead ride fast— Dost fear to ride with me?”—_Burger’s Leonora. “This fellow has nc feeling of his business.”—Hamle I had just crossed the long bridge leading from Boston to Cambridgeport, and was plodding my dusty way on foot through that not very agreeable suburb on a sultry afternoon in July, with a very creditable thunder-cloud coming up in my rear, when @ stout elderly gentleman, with a mulberry face, a brown coat, and pepper-and-salt smalls, reined up his nag, and after learning that I was bound for Old Cambridge, politely invited me.to take a seat beside him in the little sort of tax-eart he was driving. Nothing loth, I consented, and we. were soon en route. The mare he drove’ was a very peculiar animal. She had few good points to the eye, being heayy-bodied, hammer- headed, thin in the shoulders, bald-faced, and rejoicing in a little stump of a tail which was almost entirely innocent - ofhair. But there were “lots of muscle,” as Major Long- bow says, in her hind quarters. “She ain’t no Wenus, sir,” said my new acquaintance, pointing with his whip to the object of my scrutiny— “but handsome is as handsome does. Them’s my senti- ments. She’s a rum’un to look at, but a good’un to go.” “ Indeed ?” “Yes, Sir! That there mare, sir, has made good time I may say, very good time before the hearse.” “ Before the hearse ?” “‘ Before the hearse! §’pose you never heard of bury- ing aman on time! I’m a sexton, sir, and undertaker— Jack Crosspones, at your service—‘Daddy Crossbones’ they call me at Porrer’s.” “Ah! T-understand. Your mare ran away with the hearse.” : ~ f ‘Ran away! A child could hold her. Oh! yes, of course she ran away,” added the old gentleman, looking full in my face with a very quizzical expression, and put- ting the fore-finger of his right hand on the right side of his proboscis. ae ‘My dear sir,” said I, “‘ you have excited my curiosity amazingly, and I should esteem it a particular favor if you would be a little less oracular and a little more explicit.” (Continued on T0th page. > WS BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. So, Charley, you are in love with that littie girl. How much do you love her—as much as pudding ?”—“ Yes, papa, but not so much as jelly !” * Why is a newly-born babe like a gale of wind? Because it begins with a squall. A Jew was observed noticing very intently a prodigious fine ham, ‘‘What are you saying to that ham, Mr. Jacobs?” “TI was saying to it, ‘thou almost persuadest me to be a Christian.’” Dr. Franklin, endeavoring to kill a turkey by an electric shock, received the whole battery himself, when he good- naturedly observed that instead of killing a turkey, be had nearly put an end to the existence of a goose. Troubles are like babies—they grow bigger by nursing. Don’t meet troubles half way, for they are not worth the compliment. “Why don’t you limit yourself?” said a physician to an intemperate person; ‘set down a stake that you will go go far and no farther.” * So I do,” said the toper, “‘ but I set it so far off that I always get drunk before I get to it.” 70 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. “‘T don’t know as I’d ought to tell you,” said my new acquaintance, very slowly and tantalizingly. ‘If you was one of these here writing chaps, you might poke it in the ‘ Spirit of the Times,’ and then it would be all day with me. But I don’t care if I do make a clean breast of it. Honor bright, you know!” ‘* Of course.” “ Well, then, I live a piece up beyond Old Cambridge —you can see our steeple off on a hill to the right, when we get a little further. Well, one day, I had a customer r —(he was carried off by the typhus)—which had to be toted into town—cause why *¢ he had a vault there. So I rubbed down the old mare and put her in the fills. Ah! sir! that critter knows as much as an Injun, and more than } a Nigger. She’s as sober ‘as be d—d’ when she gets the shop—that’s what I call the hearse—behind her. You would not think she was a three-minute nag, to look at her. Well, sir, as luck would have it, by a sort of provi- detitial inspiration, the day before, I’d took off the old wooden springs and set the body on elliptics, For I thought it a hard case that-a gentleman who'd been riding ti easy all his life, should go to his grave on wooden springs. fs Ah! Ideal well by my customers. I thought of patent boxes to the wheels, but J couldn’t afford it, and the par ish are so mighty stingy. ; “Well, I got him in, and led off the string—fourteen hacks, and a dearborn wagon at the tail of the funeral. We made a fine show. As luck would have it, just as we came abreast of Porter’s, out slides that eternal torment, Bitt Sixes, in his new trotting sulky, with the brown horse that he bought for a fast crab, and is mighty good for a rush, but hain’t got nigh so much bottom as the - mare: Bill’s light weight, and his sulky’s a mere feather. Well, sir, Bill came up alongside, and walked his horse a bit. He looked at the mare and then at me, and then he winked. Then he looked at his nag and put his tongue in his cheek, and winked. I looked straight ahead, and only said to myself, ‘ Cuss you, Bill Sikes.» By and by, he let his horse slide. He traveled about a hundred yards, and then held up till I came abreast. and then he winked and bantered me again. It was d—d aggravatin’, Says I to myself, says I—‘that’s twice you've dono it, my (Continued on 72d page.) BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF YUN. D. weer Bloomerism.—‘ Now do, Alfred, put down. that novel, and go and play something on the piano,” Two Irishmen were in prison—one for stealing a watch, and the other for stealing a cow. ‘*Mike,” said the cow-stealer, ‘‘ what o’clock is it ?” “Och, Pat, I haven’t my watch handy, but I think it’s about milkin’ time.” Sart Loaic.—A sailor being brought before a magis- trate for beating his wife, the Justice attempted to reason with him and so reach his hgart,— J ““Why, Jack, this is not like a true-hearted sailor, to beat his wife. Besides, you ought to know that she, as the Scriptures say, is the ‘ weaker vessel.’” “Thunder!” cried Jack, ‘then she ought not to carry so much gail.” An exchange says that a dilatory subscriber saw in the late aurora borealis, traced in ‘‘ lines of living light” upon the sky, ‘‘ Pay the printer!” and fearing the indignation of heaven was about to be visited upon him, paid the bill forthwith. Wa 73 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN, buzzum friend and sweet-scented shrub—but you doesn’t do that ’ere again.” The third time he bantered me, I let him have it. It was only saying ‘Scat, you brute!’ and she was off—that mare. He had dll the odds, you know, for I was toting a two hundred pounder, and he ought to have beat me like breaking sticks, now hadn’t he? He had me at the first brush, for I told you the brown horse was a mighty fast for alittle ways. But soon I lapped ms him. I had no whip, and he could use his string—but he had his hands full. Side by side, away we went. Rattle- de-bang! crack! buz! thump! And I afraid of losing my customer on the road. But I was more afraid of losing the race. The reputation of the old mare was at a stake, | and I swore she should have a fair chance. We went so fast that the posts and rails by the road-side looked like a log fence. The old church and the new one, and the col- leges spun past like Merry Andrews. The hackmen did not know what the was to pay, and, afraid of not being in at the death, they put the string on to their teams, q and came clattering on behind as if Satan had kicked ’em behind. Some of the mourners was sporting characters, and they craned out of the carriage windows and waved their handkerchiefs. The President of Harvard College himself, inspired by the scene, took off his square tile as I passed his house, and waving it three times round his head, crie ‘Go it, Boots!’ It ts a fact. And I beat him, sir! beat him, in three miles, a hundred rods. He gin it up, sir, in despair. ‘“‘His horse was off his feed for a week, and when he took to corn again he wasn’t worth a straw. It was acknowledged. on all hands to be the fastest funeral on record, though I say it as sh@ildn’t. I’m an undertaker, sir, and I never yet was overtaken.” On subsequent inquiry at Porter's, where the sporting sexton left me, I found that his story was strictly true in all the main particulars. A terrible rumpus was kicked up about the race, but Crossbones swore lustily that the mare had run away—that he had sawed away two inches of her lip in trying to hold her up, and that he could not have doné otherwise, unless he had run her into-a fence and spilled his ‘customer’ into the ditch. If any one ex- pects to die anywhere near the sexton’s diggings, I eam (Continued on T4th page.) cp Ws BEADLE'S DIME BOOK OF. FUN. 7 i ——= “La, there goes Charley, and he’s took his mar’s parasol, What will missus say ?” The following riddle is said to be the last production of Bheridan’s witty pen: Sometimes with a head, sometimes without a head; sometimes with a tail, sometimes without a tail; some- times with a head and tail, sometimes without either; and yet equally perfect in all situations. Answer, a wig. An Hibernian had come far to see Niagara, and while he gazed upon it, a friend asked him if it was not the most wonderful thing he had ever seen: to which he replied: “Never a bit, man—never a bit. Sure, it’s no wonder at all that the wather should fall down there, for I'd like to know what could hinder it.” “Pray, excuse me,” said a well-dressed young man to a young lady, in the second tier of boxes at.a theater. ‘1 wish to go up stairs and get some refreshments—don’t leave your seat.” A sailor seated in the box near his girl, and disposed to do the same thing, arose and said, “Harkee, Moll, I’m going aloft to wet my whistle—den’t fall overboard while I'm gone.” 74 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN, assure him that the jolly old boy is still alive and kicking, the very ‘Ace of Hearts’ and ‘Jack of Spades,’ and that now both patent boxes and elliptic springs render his pro- fessional conveyance the easiest running thing on the road, THE YANKEE WHO NEVER HEARD A GONG. Many a good story is recorded, about the first impres- sions consequent upon hearing the clang of a gong. An instance recently came under my own observation. A traveler from ‘ up country’ arrived in town the other evening, and having been shown to a fashionable hotel) for the first time in his life, he was at a loss for employ- ment for the time being. He reached the house after tea hour, and having wandered through the public rooms, en- joying the “‘ sights” for a while, he was at last shown to his apartment, at a very seasonable hour. Having bestowed himself between the blankets, he lay tossing about for an hour, excited with the city’s confusion, and being naturally nervous, he was unable to compose himself to sleep. Nature gave way at last, however; and as he was just falling into a fitful slumber, a low, unearthly sound grated on his ears (apparently from the end of the passage-way), which gradually increased to a fearful and indescribable hum, The eyes of the stranger were agape, instanter—his gaze was fixed upon the ceiling—the dreadful murmur increased big sweat-drops stood on his forehead—and the final crash of the prepor ares, supper-gong brought him straight into his boots! He rushed into the deserted passage-way with his pants half way on, and upside down, shouting at the top of his lungs— “ Fel-lo, there!” The sound echoed through the hall, but no answer fol- lowed. “Hel-lo, I say! Wot on airth has busted »” All was silent, however, and an immeasurably brief space of time only had elapsed, before the countryman had reached the foat of the stairs, where he made his a pearance with hair straight on end, his boots over (Continued on 76th page,) MN HI WD oO || ee Wf, ith by 4 1 \ UR \ | 4 Oty ‘Oh, do look here, mama—such a funny thing!:Mr. Smitn has got another forehead at the back of his head!” The reason why gentlemen of the present day stoop so, is on account of their being constantly ‘‘ bent” on pleasure. They might get *‘ straitened” by circumstances, A punning youngster who asked his father at the thea- ter, if that wasn’t a ‘‘ band-box where the musicians are ?” was cut off from ginger-snaps. Conversing one day with a fashionable and pretty belle, the facetious Mr. Spriggs observed that “ladies who lisped wished to be kissed!” The young lady had before spoken unaffectedly, but now replied, ‘‘ Tho Lve heard thay.” “Where did vou git that hat, Jerry ?” “I borrowed it,” * Borrowed it 2” ‘ Ya-a-s—borrowed it of a feller asleep in the Park. Pete Myers borrowed his coat; Pat Caffany his boots ; I borrowed his hat. Do you think J’d steal? No, I’d scorn the idea,” A broad hint is thus given to any it may concern. The more tea you put in the pot, the stronger the water will be. Families we visit will please try it. 1 76 BEADLE’S DIMB BOOK OF FUN. pants, and his short-waisted, swallow-tailed blue catched at the throat by a single button. He dashed into the office, but all was quiet—the clerk was at his books, and the darkies had got away into the corners, to steal a nap before the arrival of the night train. Our green ’un spied Sambo, and soon had him by the button-hole, with— ‘“‘ Wot’s that noise?” “‘Didn’t hear no noise, Massa.” “ Didn't hear it ?” 4 ““Neber heern him, nohow, Massa!” “Why, wot on airth yer made uv?” Sambo was snoring again. : “Tt was wus’n forty harricanes,” continued Greeny. ‘OTs—Massa”—continued Sambo, in his dream. “ And ef we don’t have a shower arter that, I ain’t no judge o’ thunder.” Sambo recovered, and turning up the white of one eye, astronomically, he vouchsafed the opinion that as it was “a clar night,” there couldn’t be no funder.” “Wal, but Z heered it, I tell ye—” “Not funder, Massa—clar moonlight—noff’n to. make him ob up dar, for sartin !” “Wal, you may think ’m drunk. But I tell youl heern an airthquake, any how—and——” A faint rumbling was again apparent in the distance at this moment, N “There it is again!” shouted the countryman, as he seized Sambo by the arm. ‘‘ There !—d’ye hear that?” The noise continued to increase, and Sambo, forgetting his wonted gravity, began to grin. > “Wot is it—eh? Say, Sambo—yere’s a quarter—a half”’—(Sambo pocketed the tin!)—‘“ Oli! the Lord ha’ mercy!” And away rushed dur victim at top speed ; but unfortw nately, he entered the passage-way, where the servant stood in the aet of sounding the last gong for supper! The hotel was full, and the guests were crowding towards the dining-room. Our valiant Yankee had started for “ out-doors,” but in attempting to escape, he stumbled upon the music, which had now reached that horrible din, so uncomfortable to the ears of those even who are used to it. With one bound and a shriek of ‘‘ Murder!” he cleared both waiter a& \ - BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. v? and gong, and the next leap carried him, heels over head, through the basement window. Fortunately, he was un- hurt, and rolling across the gutter, he regained his feet once more. The speed with which he enlarged the distance between himself and that hotel, would have shamed one of Norris’s- best locomotives! The last that was seen of the sufferer, he was rapidly approaching the dock, his narrow coat- skirts streaming in the wind, with the watch i in hot pursuit —while the victim made night hideous as he went on, with his desperate yell of “ Murder, murder MURBER!” — Beadle’s Dime Song Books. No, 1. All’s for the best, A good time coming A national song, A thousand a year, Annie Laurie, [year, Ans’er to thousanda Aus’er to K.Kearney Belle Brandon, Ben Bolt, Blind boy’s lament, Bob Ridley, Bold private’r [home Do they miss me at Don’t e angry, Down the river, Dying Californian, E Pluribus Unum, Evening star, Faded flowers, Gentle Annie, Gentle Jennie Gray, Glad to get homa, Hard times, [sister, Have you seen my Heather dale, Hills of NewEnglana Home again, Iam nox angry, I want to go home, Juney at the gate, Kate Koarsey, Kiss me quick and go Kitty Clyde, Little Blacksmith, Marseilles hymn, Miller of the Dee, My home in Kentu’k My own native land, Nelly Gray, vary eg lady, Old dog Tray Old folks we loved, Our Mary Ann, Over the mountain, Poor old slave, Red, white and blue, Root, bog, or die—1, Row, row, [2,3 &4. Shells of the ocean, Song of the sexton, Bword of Bunk’r hill Star spangled ban’er The age of pr 88, The lake-side shore, The old farm-house, The old play-ground The rock of liberty, The tempcst, Twenty years ago, ‘Twinkling stars, Uncle Sam’s ‘ Unfurl the banner, Wait for the wagon, Willie, we’ve missed Willie,roam no more No. 2. Alice Gray, America. Banks of Mohawk, Be kind to each oth’r Billy Grimes, rover, an O’ Lynn, Come, sit thee down Cora Lee, eee: 3 Jane Darhng Nelly Moore Darling old stick, Fireman’s victory, Good news from qeednige [home, Grave of Lilly Dale, Graves of household Home, sweet home, I've no mother now, ('m goin I’m leavin I miss Seeremeere; Irishman’s shanty, I wandered by the Katy Darling,[brook Kathl’n Movourneen Little a Mary of wild moor, Mabel Clare, Mary Aileen, Mill May, Minnie Moore, Minnie dear, Mrs. Lofty and I, Mr. Finagan, My eye and B. Martin My love.is a saileur, £ My mother dear, My grandma's advice My mother’s bible, Sncneeme New England, Oh! the sea, the sea, Old folks are gone, Old sideling hill, Our boyhood days, Our fatherland, Peter Gray, Rory O’ Moore, Scorn not thy broth’r Shouldn’t like to telt Somebody’s waiting The farmer sat, The farmer’s boy, The postboy’s song, The quilting party, Three bells, (heart is *Tis home where the Waiting for the May We stand united, Where bright waves What other name, What's home with- Winter, [out mother Widow Machree, Willic’s on the sea. No. 3. Annie, dear, good-by A sailor’s life for me Answer to Jeannette Bessie was a bride, Bonnie Jean, Boys of Kilkenny, Comic Katy Darling Comic parody, Darling Jennie Bell, Darling Rosabel, Death of An’e Laurie Emigrant’s farewell, Ettie May, Few days Fine old Eng. Gent, Fine old Irish Gent, Fine old Dutchman, Fireman’s death, Girl in a calico dresa Give ’em string Girl I left behind me a = lamer’ 10 it while young, Hail Columbia, feces See ess eos ca BEADLE S DIME SONG BOOKS. ~~ Happy Hezekiah, Ichoose to be a daisy Isle of beauty, I’ve som’ thing sweet I think ofold Ireland Jeannette and Jean- John Jones, [not, Jordan is a hard road Kitty Kimo, Lather and shave, Lager bier song, Linda has departed, Lilly Bell, Love not, Man the life-boat, My dear old mother, My heart’s in Ireland an poor dog Tray, Old dog Tray, No. 2, Old oaken bucket, Old Rosin the beau, Odd whisky jug, Other side of Jordan Over the left, Parody—To the west Pirate’s serenade, Pop goes the weasel, Pretty Jane, Rosa Lee, Song of locomotive, serene Sarah Ann, The American boy, The American-girl, The Pireman’s boy, The Indian hunter, Ten o'clock, Tilda Horn, To the west, True blue, Uncle Ned, - Unhappy Jeremiah Villikens and Dinah, We miss thee home, What’ll Grundy say, Woodm’n,spare tree Yellow Texas rose. No. 4. A merry Gipsey girl, A national song, Ans’er to K. Darlin Ren Fisher and wife By the sad sea-wayes Columbia rules sea, Come, gang wi’ me, Commence, darkies, Cottage by the sea, Daylight on the sea, Don’t ery so, Norah, Erin is my home, Gal from the south, Get out wilderness Harp of Tara’s hall, He led her to altar, llome, sweet home, ; rt a —— ‘ll hang my harp, I’m nol mypelt at all Indian Hunter, Indian warr,’s grave [’ve been roaming, I wish he'd decide, Jane Monroe, ’ Jolly Jack, rover, Johnny’s for soldigr Kate was a little girl Kitty Tyrei, [mother Let me kiss for his Linda’s gone to Balt. Maud Adair and I, Molly Bawn, My ain fireside, My boyhood’s home, Nora, of Kidare, Kiss, but never tell, Old uncle Edward, Paddy on the canal, Parody on Unc. Sam Poor old maids, Preserve the mariner Ship anoy, Somebody’s courting Song of the farmer, Song, Blanche Alpen Sparking Sunday n’t Sprig of shillelah, Stand by the flag, The engineer’s song The farmer’s boy, The hazel deli, The little low room, The low-backed car, The old brown cot, The old kirk-yard, Terry O'Reilly, Uncle Gabriel, Uncle Tim, the toper We were boys tog’er We're wing old, We're fond of kissi’y Where are the hopes Wit’n mile of Edin’o Would f-were a boy, Would I were a girl, Would l’re with thee No. 5. A dollar or two, A man’s a man, Angels whisper, Auld lang syne, Bashful young man, Call me pet names, Camptown racers, Charity, Cheer, boys, cheer, Comin’ thro’ the rye Days I was hard-up Dermot Astore, Dilla Burn, Down the burn, Davy Dumbarton’s dell, Ever of thee, Gently o’er me steals Gum-tree canoe Grave of uncle True, Grave of Bonaparte, Hark, I hear an angel I offer thee this hand Irish Emig. lament, John Anderson, Johnny a shoemaker Kind Relations, Last w’k I took wife Lags’t loves a sailor, Last rose of summer Lily of the west, Mary of Argyle, Meet me by moonli*t Minute gun at sea, Napolitaine, Norah McShane, Nothing else to do, Och, Paddy, is it ye, Oft in the stilly n’ht Poor fishermans girl They don’t wish me Bopale Jamie, Tom/)Tom Brown, |hame, (23 Rat-catcher’s daug’! Rose of Allandale, A Yan.ship and crew. ed BEADLE’S DIME SONG BOOKS. Roll ow, silver mcon Sambo, I've missed, Sammy Slap, Simon, the cellarer, Someth’g to love me Some love to drink, Sourkrout and sau’s The gay cavalier, The gambler’s wife, The ingle side, The ivy green, The monks of old, The musical wife, The ocean burial, The vid arm-chair, The watcher, Tail iv me coat, Thou art gone, Thou hust wounded, ’Tis midnight hour, Twilight dews, Umbrella courtship, Wake, Dinah, wake, Washington, We'll have a dance, We met by chance, When I saw Nelly, When the swallows, Whoop de doodle do William of the ferry, Will you love me. No. 6. Annie Lisle, Beautiful world, Be kind to the loved Bloom is on the rye, Bobbin’ around, Bonnie Dundee, Cottage of mother, Courting in Conn’t, Dearest Mae, Dear mother, I come Ella Ree, Fairy Dell, on upon the sea Female auctioneer, Gentle allie, Gentle Nettie Moore Happy we to-night, Uattie Lee, Me doeth all things, Home without sister { can’t call her mot’r I'll paddle my