BEADLES DIME _ BEADLE AND ADAMS, 98 WILLIAM ST., NEW YORK. The New York News Co. 18 Beekman ™, N, Y, es ‘ anole and Pastimes for 1875. BEADLE AND ADAMS, PUBLISHERS, NEW YORK. DIME BASE-BALL PLAYER FOR 1875, (FOURTEENTH ANNUAL EDITION.) long-established and accepted authority in Base-Ball circles on Lite and Usages of the Game; and the SranpaRD Source oF sea ‘Averages, Club Reports, Professional Records, etc., containing a Brief History of Base-Bull, Rules for Forming Clubs, Instructions for Scoring the Game, Technical Terms used in the Game, Instructions for Managing a Club, Rules for Making out Averages, List of Professional Players, Noted Club Records for 1873-4, Club Averages for 1874, and the new Code of Playing Rules for 1875, Edited by Henry Chadwick, HAND-BOOK OF CROQUET. A complete Guide to the Principles and Practice of the Game. This popular pastime has, during the few years of its existence, rapidly outgrown the first vague and imperfect rules and regulations of its inventor; and, as a'most every house at Which it is played adopts a different code of laws, it becomes a difficult matter for & stranger to assimilate his play to that’of other people. It is, therefore, highly desirable that one uniform system should be generally adopted, and hence the ob- ject of this work is to establish a recognized method of playing the game. DIME BOOK OF 100 GAMES. Out-door and In-door SUMMER GAMES for Tourists and Families in the Coun- try, Picnics, etc., comprising 100 Games, Forfeits and Conundrums for Childhood and Youth, Single and Married, Grave and Gay. A Pocket Hand-book for the Summer Season. CRICKET AND FOOT-BALL. A desirable Cricketer’s Companion, containing complete instructions in the ele- ments of Bowling, Batting and Fielding ; also the Revised Laws of the Game; Re- marks oa the Duties of Umpires; the Mary-le-Bone Cricket Club Rules and Regu- lations ; Bets, ete. By Henry Chadwick. HAND-BOOK OF PEDESTRIANISM. Giving the Rules for Training and Practice in Walking, Running, Leaping, Vaulting, ete, Edited by Henry Chadwick. YACHTING AND ROWING. This volume will be found very complete as a guide to the conduct of watercraft, and full of interesting information alike to the amateur and the novice. The chap- ter referring to the recent great rowing-match of the Oxford and Cambridge clubs, on the Thames, will be found particularly interesting. RIDING AND DRIVING. - A sure guide to correct Horsemanship, with complete directions far the road and field; and a specific section of directions and information for female equestrians, Drawn largely from ‘* Stonehenge’s ” fine manual, this volume will be found all that can be desired by those secking to know all about the horse, and his manage- ment in harness and under the saddle. GUIDE TO SWIMMING. .- +, Comprising Advisory Instructions; Rules upon Entering the Water; General Directions for Swimming; Diving; How to Come to the Surface; Swimming on the Back; How to Swim in times o: Danger; Surf-bathing—How to Manage the Wavues, the Tides, etc. ;a Chapter for the Ladies; 2 Specimen Female Swimming School ; How to Manage Cases of Drown iny; Dr. Franklin’s Code for Swimmers ; eic. Illustrated. By Capt. Philip Peterson, 19" For sale by all newsdealers; or ‘sent, post-paid, to any ad- dress on receipt of price—ten cents each. 2 BEADLE AND ADAMS, Publishers, 98 William &t., N. ve CROW PIOKE BOOK ) : y | if aS | | E242 Use 2 RATED. ‘ . ’ ? \ 4 b Sa DIME POCKET JOKE BOOK SERIES, No. 2. { NEW YORK: BEADLE AND ADAMS, PUBLISHERS, 98 WILLIAM STREEL. Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1875, ¥ BEADLE AND ADAMS, Tm the office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington, ae y+ YOUNG GUNNYBAGS IN THE COUNTRY. 1.—His first reception—rather demonstrative. SOME CELEBRATION. When Baldwinsville, a town in Ohio, had its Atlantic Cable celebration, Artemus Ward, the fa- mous showman and world-renowned proprietor of » “wacks figgers” was on hand. Subsequently he fur- nished a report of the whole affair. If’Temus 1s to be trusted, the Baldwinsvillains had a great time. Hear him ! BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. ) “Baldwinsville was trooly in a blaze of glory. Near can i foregit the sublime spectacle which met my gase as i alited from the stage with my umbreller und yerlise. The tarvern was lit up with taller kandles all over _& a grate bong fire was burnin in front thareof. A Transpirancy was tied onto the sine-post with the follerin wurds ‘ Give us liberty or Deth, Old Tompkinsis grosery was illumernated with 5 tin lantuns and the following Transpirancy was in the winder: Tho Sub-Mershine Tellergraph & the Baldinsyille. and Stonefield Plankroad+the 2 grate events of the 19th century—may intestine strife never mar their granjure. Simpkinsis shoe shop was all ablaze with taller kandles andlantuns. A Amer- ican eagle was painted onto a flag in a winder, also these wurds, viz.—‘ The Constitooshun must be pre- sarved.’ The scool house was lited up in grate style, and the winders was filled with mottohs, among which i notised the follerin—‘Truth smashed to earth shall rise agin, you can’t stop her.’ ‘The Boy stood on the burnin Deck when awl but him had fled’ ‘Prokrastination is the theaf of time.’ ‘Be virtuous and-U wil B happy.’ ‘Intemperance has cawsed a heap of trouble—shun the Bole, and the follering sentment written by the skool master who gradju- ated at Harvard College. ‘ Baldinsville sends greetins to her madgisty the Kweene, & hopes all hard feel- ins which has before this previously heretofore bin felt between the soupervisers of Baldinsville an the Brittish parleymeant, if such there has been, may be forever after this henceforward wiped from our es- cutchaons, Baldinsville this night rejoices over the gerlorious event which sementz two grate nashuns onto one another by means of a electric wire under the roaring billoes of the Nasty deep. Quosque tastrum, a butter, Caterliny, patient nostrum. » =—- YOUNG GUNNYBAGS IN THE COUNTRY. % - %,—His uncle takes him out for a walk round the farm. “Doctor Hutchinsis offis was likewise lited up and a Transpirancy on which was painted the Kween in the act.of drinking some of Hutchinsis Invigeratore was stuck into one of the winders. ‘The Baldinsville Beyewgle of Liberty newspaper offis was also illu- mernated, and the follerin mottoes stuck out: ‘The press is the Arkermejun lever which moves the ~ world. Vote éarly. Buckle on your armor. Now is the time to subscribe Franklin, Moss & Feeld. Terms $1 50 a year. Liberal redticshuns to clubs.” Dreaprur Stare or IenoraNxce.—There is aman out West, who sabors under the delusion that “ Hon.” placed before a man’s name stands for honest. ‘BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. BEARS IN ARKANSAS. Plenty ? I reckon they are. Black bars are big. ger, plentier, and more ‘cunnin’ in Arkinsaw than anywhere else. The he’s haye a way of standin’ on their hind legs, and makin’ a mark with their paws on the bark of some certain trees—generally sassa- fras. Its a kind’ a record they keep, and I ’spose it’s a great satisfaction to an old he bar to have the high- est mark on the tree. I war layin’ hid one day close to a tree where bars war in the habit of makin’ their mark waitin’ for one of ’em to come along, for I tell you, I was mity hungry for bar meat. Directly I heard a noise close to me, and lookin’ round, burn me, stranger, ef thar wasn’t a small bar walkin’ straight on his hind legs, with a big chunk in his arms. I could o’ shot him easy, but I was: mighty curious to see what he was goin’ to do with that ther chunk. He carried it right to the tree where the marks were, stood it on the end against it, and then gitten on the top of it, reached away up the tree, and mad a big mark of a foot above the highest. He then got down, moved the chunk away off from the tree, and you never seen such caperin’ as he cut up. He looked up at his mark, and then he would lay down and roll over in the leaves, laughing out- right, just like a person; no doubt tickled at the way somebody would be fooled. ‘There was some- thin’ so human about it that I actually hadn’t the heart to shoot him. Just to show ycu how cunnin’ bars are. I'll tell you a circumstance what happened to me up in Ar- kinsaw. You see, one fall before I gathered my corn, I kept missin’ it outer the field, and knew the bars war takin’ it, for I could sce their tracks. What seemed mitey curious, I never could find out where sf YOUNG GUNNYBAGS IN THE COUNTRY. ‘much corn, and follered along after ’em without makin’ any noise. Well, after going nearly a mile, I saw ‘em stop, and—stranger, what do you think~ thar wura pen full o’ hogs, and the bars were feedin’ ‘em. You see that fall the hogs wur so poor, on ac- count of havin’ no mash, that the bars had actually built a rail pen, put the hogs in it, and were fattenin’ ?em with my corn. Burp my hat ef it ain’t a fact. ‘rT 8.—Introduces him to the pigs. they eat it—nary cob nowhar about. One mornin’ airly I happened around the field, and thar I saw an } old she bar and two cubs just come outer the corn, ‘ I was determined to find out what they did with so A Dutchman being asked how often he shaved, 3 replied: Dree dimes a week; effery tay but Soontay; den I shaves effery day. BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. ONE OF THE JUVENILES. Neighbor T—— had a social party at his house a few evenings since, and the “dear boy,” Charles, a five-year-old colt, was favored with permission to be seen in the parlor. “Pa” ig somewhat proud of his boy, and Charles was, of course, elaborately gotten up for the occasion. Among other extras, the little fellow’s hair was treated to a liberal supply of Eau de Cologne, to his huge gratification. As he entered the parlor, and made a bow to the gentlemen and ladies, he proudly said— “Lookee here, if any of you smells a smell, that’s me!” The effect was decided, and Charles, having thus in one brief sentence delivered an illustrative essay on human vanity, was the hero of the evening. A PHONETIC PHANTASIE. A love scene—overboard, and phonogyraphically reported by Phrederic Phine: “Phairest of the phair,” sighed the lover, “ phancy my pheclings when I phorsee the phearful conse- quences of our phleeing phrom your phather’s pham- ily. Phew phellows could have phaced the music, with 80 much phortitude as I have; and as phickle — phortune phails to smile upon our love, I phindI must phorgo the pleasure of becoming ‘your husband. Phair Phrances, pharewell phorever.” “Hold, Phranklin, hold!’ screamed Phrances, “T will phollow you phorever.” But Phranklin phled, and Phrances phainted. YOUNG GUNNYBAGS IN THE COUNTRY. ii 4,.—-He tries a little mowing—is successful in tearing his pants and cutting his knees. % WILL LAGER BEER INTOXICATE? The sub-editor of the Book oF FuN has been in- vestigating this much agitated question with some success, We purchased a quart of the beverage, and left it (very unwisely) under our desk while we went to dinner. On returning, we found the sub some- what elevated, with his head in one of the pigeon- holes. and his feet out of the window. “ What's the | matter?” asked we, “ Beer,” said he, laconically. We looked at the bottle—it was empty. We looked at him—he was full. “You don’t mean to say you drank it all? asked we. ‘“ Wasn’t much there,” said he, “There was a whole quart,” said we “A whole quart? replied our inebriated assistant—“a whole quart? Thunder! what—hic—what’s a quart —hie—amongst one? . BEADLE’S DIME BOCA OF FUN. WHAT A FALL-ACY. Merchant—" You are very late tnis morning, Mr Jinks; do not let this happen again, sir.” Clerk (humbly)—“ Very sorry, sir; met with a seri- ous fall.” Merchant (relentingly)—‘“ Ah! indeed, how was that? Hurt you much ?” Olerk (respectfully)—“ Principally, my dear sir, in your estimation.” ° ; Merchant (kindly)—‘“ Never mind that, Mr. Jinks— never mind that. I commiserate you. We are all liable to accidents. How did you get your fall?” Clerk (confidingly)—“ You see, sir, I was called _ quite early this morning—in fact, you will observe, sir, somewhat earlier even than usual.” | Merchant (understandingly)“ © Ah!” "Clerk (with an effort)—“ But somehow or other,sir, I—I fell-asleep again, sir.” Merchant (who, in spite of his gruffness, is fond of a _ joke)—“Mr. Jinks, you’re a humbug! Go to your cesk, and—don’t try it on again.” Tue Luckiest THING IN THE Wor.p.—Mr. Ingra- ham was sitting one day in the law library, looking up some authorities, when Mr. M——, a young law- yer of some promise, but possessed. unfortunately, of an exceedingly unpleasant breath, suddenly made his appearance in great haste in search of a book that he needed immediately in the Court below, and pufted out in broken sentences: “Oh—dear—Mr. Ingraham—I am—entirely out of breath.’ “That is the luckiest thing that ever happened to you,” said Ingraham, and pursued his reading. 5.—Retires to the orchard, where he is signally discomfited, WANT’S SIFTING. The following letter intended for the “retired physician whose sands of life,” &c., has found its way into the newspapers: “Doctur h james.—I see by yure advartizement in the nuzepapers that yure sands of life have neerly run eout. I had no idee sand was go skerce in yure naiborhood, we have got a big iland up here about tew miles long where eny kwantity of sand can be dug up & it is ewsed very extenceve for bilding pur- pusses if You are most eout i would like to got a order to shipp yu sum more very chepe the sand is not so fine may bee as sum youve ceen. . But if you will blow in the nuzepapers and git the edditurs to say it was good it wood do fust rait. How much: wood yu ews in a yere and How mutch you wood. 44 BEADLE’® DIME BOOK OF FUN. give a hogshed for it and you pay the frate yours respectfully 1 Bugg Sandern Nashville. P 8 whi doant yu save the sand when it runs out and ews it agane. SCENE ON THE OHIO. Our boat stopped tu take in wood. On the shore among a crowd, was a remarkably stupid-looking fellow, with his hands in his pockets, and his under lip hanging down. A dandy, ripe for ascrape, tipped nods and winks all about, saying: “ Now Ill have some fun. Tl frighten the greenhorn.” He jumped ashore-with a drawn bowie knife, and brandishing it in the face of the “ green ’un”—exclaimed—“ Now I'll punish you; I have been looking for you a week !” The fellow stared stupidly at the assailant. He evi- dently had not sense enough to be scared—but as the bowie-knife came near to his face, one of his huge fists suddenly vacated his pocket, and fell hard and heavy between the dandy’s eyes, and the poor fellow was floundering in the Ohio! Greeny jumped on - board our boat, put his hands in his. pockets, and looked around— May- be,” said he, ‘there’s some- body else here that’s been looking for me a week ?” _How rary po rr our West.—An editor in Missouri, announces that the publication of his paper will be suspended for six weeks, in order that he may visit St. Louis with a load of bear-skins, hoop-poles, shingles, oak bark, pickled catfish, &c., which he has taken for subscriptions He is bound to raise the “goap” on thom, @ ri YOUNG GUNNYBAGS IN THE COUNTRY. 13 Lat 6.—Tired, he goes to bed and enjoys a charming slumber—» but is pulled out of bed by the mosquitoes. A CANDID URCHIN. “What did your mother say, my little man? Did you give her my card!” asked an inexperienced young gentleman of a little boy whose mother had given him an invitation to call upon her, and whose street-door was accordingly opened to his untimely summons by the urchin, ) “Yes, sir,” quoth the urchin, quite innocently ; “and mother said, if you were not a natural-born fool, you wouldn’t come on Monday mornin’ when everybody was a washin’ !” At this juncture mamma, with a sweet smile of welcome, made her appearance at the end of the hall, when to her surprise, Mr. Verysopht, the visitor, bolted } 16 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. “What in the world does the man mean?” in quired ma. “T dunno,” replied the urchin; “guess he’s forgot suthin’.” A TOUCHING DITTY IN PROSE. When Seth got home from mackerelling, he sought his Sarah Ann, and found that she, the heartless one, had found another man. And then most awful tight he got, and so he went away, and bound himself to cut live oak all down in Floriday. He pined upon the live oak land, he murmured to the shades; his ax grew heavy in his hand, all in the wild-wood glades. Mosquitoes ‘bit him everywhere, no comfort did he get, and, oh, how terribly he’d scold whenever he got { bit. At last despairing of relief and wishing himself dead, he went into the woods a piece, and chopped off his own head. An Uservut Recrpr—Many persons complain of being pestered by bed-bugs. It is said that the in- convenience may be easily avoided, as follows: On going to bed, cover every part of your body with boiled molasses. On coming to bite you, the bugs will stick fast to the molasses, and you can kill them in the morning. A Pam or Catves.—Said Bill to Jack, “How many legs would a calf have, calling the tail one? “ Five,” answered Jack. “No, it wouldn’t,” said Bill; “for calling the tail one wouldn’t make itso, would it ?” Jack slid, he did. YOUNG GUNNYBAGS IN THE COUNTEY. Le 7.—Starts a battlo with his buzzing enemies. > A HANECDOTE OF AN ’ORSE. » Billy Williams, the English comedian, now de- ceased, was one of the best-natured men alive, and although without education, a capital actor. Billy was a regular cockney in his conversation, and paid no attention to the rules of Murray’s Grammar. An amusing conversation between him and the late William E. Burton, is thus related by a friend of the parties: Billy sat in his usual seat, and was endeay- * oring to make himself agreeable to those around him. Burton, who delighted in quizzing Billy, made some inquiries of him relative to a horse belonging to Mr. Hamblin, which aroused Billy, and he thus com- menced his TepIy; “Now, Burton, I'll teil you all about the ’orse. You see, when I first arrived, I said to ’Amblin, ’Tom I wants en ‘orse. I have always 18 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. been used to my ’orse, and I should like to ’ave one.’ ‘Billy,’ says he, you know Mazeppa; he has earned me a great deal of money, and I will not permit him to be misused, but if you want to ride hiny you may, and my stage manager, Tom Flynn, will go with you to the stable’ So down I goes to the stable with Tom Flynn, and I told the man to put the saddle on him.” “On Tom Flynn?” said Burton. “ No, on the ’orse. And then I shook hands with him, and rode off.” “Shook hands with the horse, Billy ?” “No, d—n it, with Tom Flynn, and then rode up the Bowery, and who should I meet in front of the Bow- ery Theatre but Tom ’Amblin. So I got off, and told the boy to hold him by the head.” “ Hold Hamblin by the head?” “No, the ’orse, and then we went and had a drink together.” “You and the orse ?” =“ No, me and ’Amblin; and after that J mounted him again and went out of town.” “Moun ted Hamblin again?” “No, the ’orse, and when J got to Bainham’s, who should be there but Tom — Flynn—he’d taken another ’orse and rode ahead of me, so I told the ostler to tie him up.” ‘Tie Tom. Flynn up?” “No, d—n it, the ’orse, and we had a drink there.” “You and the horse?” “No, me and Tom Flynn. Now look here, Burton, every time I say ’Amblin, you say ’orse. Now Pll be’anged if PD tell you any more about it.” And he would not finish the recital. Dares MAKES A Prnt.—Friend Dabbs walked int« » a “drygrocery” the other day. “Oan we.do any thing for you ?” says Dickey. “ Yes,” says Dabbs, ‘but Pll bet a dollar youwon't.” “Done. What is it?” “Oredit me for five dollars’ worth of your truck.” “Lost by thunder.” YOUNG GUNNYBAGS IN THE COUNTRY. 19 i l! it ei i 8.~Is again awakened wlth an impression the house is on . fire. HOW THE QUAKER GOT THE BEST OF IT K , the Quaker president of a Pennsylvania railroad, during the confusion end panic last fall, called upon the W—— bank, with which the road had kept a large, regular account, and asked for’an extension of its paper falling due’ in a few days. The bank presi- dent declined rather abruptly, saying, in a — com- mon with that fraternity: “Mr. K., your paper must be paid at maturity. We cannot renew it.” “Very well,” our Quaker replied, and left the bank. But he did not let the matter drop here. On leaving the bank, he walked quietly over to the depot, and telegraphed. all the agents and conductors on the road to reject the bills onthe W—— bank. In a few hours ‘ 20 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. the trains began to arrive, full of the panic, and bring. ing the news of distrust of the W: bank all along the line of the road. Stockholders and deposit- ors flocked into the bank, making the panic, inquir- ing, “What's the matter?” “Is the bank broke?” A little inquiry by the officers showed that the trouble originated in the rejection of the bills by the railroad. The president seized his hat and rushed down to the Quaker’s office, and came bustling in with the inquiry : “Mr. K., have you. directed the refusal of our cur- rency by your agents ?” “Yes,” was the quiet reply. “Why is this ? it will ruin us.” “Well, friend L , L supposed thy bank was about to fail, as ae could not renew a little paper for us this morning.” It is needless to say Mr. 7 renewed all the Quaker’s paper and enlarged his line of discount, while the magic wires carried all along the road to every agent the sedative message, “The W: bank is all right. Thee may take its currency.” WOT DE LEDGER SAYS. » A COLORED DIALOGUE. Samuel Johnson.—Mr. Wite, does you eber dispill de exbresshun ob spirits wen you’s laborin’ under lus- ination ob carniverous detractions wid literary pus- soots ? Bruder Wite—Wha’—wha’—wha dat? 8. J—Do you ebber, Mr. Wite, read de magazines, ~ de newspapers, and dem kike scarificators of de men. tallects? Jist you gib fo’ cents for de Ledger. T's bin a readin’ sich a putty story in da’. Sich a story. YOUNG GUNNYBAGS LY THE COUNTRY. 21 9.—Gets up to see the sun rise, but changes his mind. f It was jist de most inttrestinest dat eber was, and dat’s a fac done gone for sartain, B. W—Bound to hyar dar story Jist am. S. J—Nufto make a feller trimmle all ober. Dem stories are allers so harrerin. Law bléss you, honey, dey claws you and scars you like a cat does de,mice; dat’s a fac, Jist tmk of a feller’s bein in a battle, killin’ all de enemy wid de hannie of an ole .broom, catchin’ up de bloody willin ob a Fitz Clarum de Snor- tolio, un flinging him up more’n eleben miles. B. W.—dJis’—jis’—jis’ you shut up. Yah! Who you spose gwine to b’lieve— ; S J.—Dat’s wot de Ledger says, anyhow. Well den, arter killin de willin, de feliin tuck one tremen- duous leap arter de flying foe from do atmusfear, pintin his pistils at the treatin enemy wen de flints strike flak in his volver blowm up de percussion cape 22 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. B. W.—Wa-wat dat? How could a volver pistil hab flints an percussion caps, too? 8. J—Anyhow, dat’s wat de Ledger says. Well den de feller got participated in de briny deep. B. W.—Wy don’t you say de ocean? &. J—Kase le didn’t fall into de ocean. Twas into de briny deep. Anyhow, dat’s wot de Ledger ‘says. Well den arter dat de sun cums into his eyes, an he git blind an swim for foteen thousand miles— B. W.—Oh, shaw. You git out. Who—who's a gwine to swaller dat? Blind man swim foteen thou- sand miles. Yah, yah, yah. S. J.—(nettled.) Dat’s wot de Ledger says, any- how. Well, den, de chap’cums to a dessert island wha dar wasn’t nuffin to eat, un nobody to tauk to ob any consequense, un no siety wuf mentionin, un dar he libs for foteen years. B. W.—See hyar. Just tell us how that man lived for fo’teen years with nuffin to eat. _& J—Dat’s wot de Ledger says, anyhow. Well den, de man’s true lub whot he hadn’t seen for nine- teen years— B. W.—Now—now, how you goin to tcll me any gal ’mained true for nineteen years, an she peor seed no man in de whole time? S. J—Well dats wot de Ledger says; and de chap he started one mornin for to swim after a. wessil, kase he seed hes sweetheart abod up in de riggin. You see she’d gon to see dispised as a sailer, B. W.— Sguised, you mean. 8, J—Yes, yes—skized, dat’s wot de Ledger says. An only think, it shos jis wot true love kin do, an - ain’t it wondful now, and Cats jis a fac—dat gal jis went an dressed hersilf up in saiior clothes and dere wasn’t won sole abord—ner der captain neither, a know she was a gal: : yo YOUNG. GUNNYBAGS IN THE COUNTRY. 23 lo.—And being already tired of his visit, writes a letter to himself that his wife 1s dead. B. W.—Wlow de debbel, den, did dat chap dar way off on de deseret islan kno who she was, hey? Splanify dat, if you please. 8. J.—Well, dat’s wots de Ledger says. And de chap he jumps into de se to swim to de wessel, but jis den dere sprung up a tremendjus gale, an’ washed him of eber so fur, till he cums to de foot ob a forty- fiedication, and kase it was arter dark an’ de front do’ was shut, he jist climed up to one ob de cannins an’ crep into de mouf of de cannin, and lay down an’ went to sleep. B. W.—Now. stop dar. I should jis like to hab you expressify to me how a maf’s gwain to git into” de mouf ob de cannin ? S. J—Well, dat’s wot de Ledger says: An wile he was asleep, dere cum on a war in de night ’tween de two countries, and de cannins were al! fiahed off. 24 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN, B. W—Wot!! Wid de man in em; S. J.—Dat’s wot de Ledger says. And he got shoot- ed back into de werry dientical island agin. ‘Well, durin de night de ship had got racked, and eberybody got drownded cept de gal, and she swum asho and cum to where de feller lay soun asleep. B. W.—Now you mean to say dot dat feller hadn't got waked up when he was fired from de can- nin an fell on de islan ? S. J—Dat’s wot de Ledger says—neber woked up at all; and de gal she seed her lubber and grate big tears cum in her eyes, un she creeped up eber so sofly and layed down by his side, and jis put her put- ty wite arms roun his neck an was jis goin to kiss him, wen all at wunst— B. W—Well, go on, go on! S. J—UDar it says, ‘To be continyed,”—dats wot de Ledger says. “MIS ABLE NIGGER.” My friend asked Anthony Box, a superb engine- driver on the Ohio river, how he came to get free. “Why, Massa Vincent, my health was berry bad when I was in Kentucky, I couldn’t do no kind ob work; I was berry feeble; ’twas jes as much as [ could do to hoe my own garden and eat de sass; and de missus what owned me see dat I was a mis’able nigger—one of the mis’ablest kind. So I said to her, “Missus, I’m a mis’able nigger, and [ ain’t worth noth- in, and I think you'd better sell me, ’m such a mis- *able nigger.’ Now Massa, Vincent, I was such a poor nigger, that Migsus *greed to sell me for a hun- dred dollars, and I ’greed to try to work and earn de money to pay her, and I did, and my health has been gittin’ better ebber since, and I ’specks I made "bout nine hundred Goilars dat time out of that nigger.” @OUNG GUNNYBAGS IN THE COUNTRY. 11.—And greatly astonishes his host thereby. A APPEEL FOR ARE TO THE SEXTANT OF OUR MEETINOUSE. O Sextant of the meetinouse, wich sweeps And dusts, or is supposed too! and makes fiers, And lites the gass, and eet a screw loose, in wich case it smells orfa orse than lampile; And wrings the Bel and toles it when men dyes to the grief of survivin pardners, and sweeps pathes; And for the servases gits $100 per annum, Wich them that thinks deer, let em try it; Getin up befoar star-lite in all wethers and Kindlin fiers when the wether is as cold As zero, and like as not grean wood for kindlers; i wouldn’t be hired to do it for no some— But o Sextant! there are 1 kermoddity, Wich’s more than gold, wich doant cost nothin, t 26 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. Wuth more than anythin excep the Sole of Mann ! i mean pewer Are, Sextant, i mean pewer Are ! O it is plenty out o dores, so plenty it doant no What on airth to dew with itself, but flys about ” Scaterin leaves and bloin off men’s hatts; in short, its jest “fre as are” out dores,— But o sextant, in our church its scarce as piety, scarce as bank bills when agints beg mischuns, Wich some say is party often, (taint nothin to ms, wat I give aint nothin to nobody) but o Sextant, ushet 500 men, wimmen, and children, Speshally the latter, up in a tite place, some has bad breths, none ain’t 2 swete, Some is fevery, some is scrofilus, some has bad teath, And some ain’t none, and some ain’t over cleen; But every 1 on em breethes in & out and out and in, Say 50 times a minit, or 1 million and a half breths an our, Now, how long will a church ful of are last at that rate, I ask you, say 15 minits, and then wat’s to be did ? Why then they must brethe it all over agin, And then agin, and so on, till each has took it down, At least 10 times, and let it up agin; and wats more, The same individible don’t have privelidge of brethen his own are, and no one’s else; Each one mus take watever comes to him, O Sextant, doant you no our lungs is belluses, + To blo the fier of life, and keep it from ; goin out; and how can bellusses blo. without wind, And aint wind are? i put it to your conschens, Are is the same to us as milk to babies, Or water is to fish, or pendlums to clox— Or roots and airbs unto an injun Doetor; Or little ps unto an omepath, | his blessing at parting, and a specimen 12.—Who gives him : or two of produce. Or boys to gur's. Are is for us to brethe, Wat signifies who preeches if i cant breethe ? Wats Pol? Wats Pollus? to sinners who are ded? Ded for want of breth? why Sextant when we dye Its only coz we cant brethe no more—that’s all. And now, 9 Sextant, let me beg of you 2 let a little are into sur church.— (Pewer are is serten ptoper for the pews)— And do it weak days and Sundays tew— It aint much trouble—only make a hole, And the are will cum in of itself (It luvs to come in whare it can get warm ); And o how it will rouze the people-up And sperrit up the preecher, and stop garps, And yawns and figgits as effectooal As wind on the dry Boans the Proffit tells of BLADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. THE BEST OF THE TWO. A farmer and his son Hans having been to market in the next town, and disposed of their load of pota- toes, got ready to return home. The farmer laid himself comfortably down and commenced sleeping while Hans drove the wagon. Soon Hans commenced thinking about the big peas and pork his mother had promised to keep for him until his return, smacked his lips and droye the hor- ses faster. pes The old man lifted himself upon his elbow and ex- claimed : “Hans, don’t drive them horses so fast. They had a good full load this morning,” and laid himself down and snoozed again. : A little time the horses were driven slower, then again Hans thought of the pork and peas, and ima- | gining that the old man was asleep, whipped up the horses at full speed. The old man set up in the wagon a second time, and exclaimed: ‘Hans, how many times do you want me to tell you not to drive them horses so fast! Oh, boy, if I would have done so with my father !” “The devil of a father you must have had,” replied Hans. ; “What!” cried the father. “Boy, I had a darned sight better father than ever you‘had.” Far Turxrms.—Muggins says, Job’s turkey was fat compared with an old gobbler he shot last week on the North Fork—it was-so light that it lodged in the air, and he had to get a pole to knock it down, BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. 29 Mechanical Power—Accclerated Motion. REEFING THE BREAKERS. A NAUTICAL POEM. (Little as we know of sailor terms we consider the following “pome” a gem.—Eb.) The larboard Ieech of the topsail lines, Athwart the spritsail rigging runs: The lanyard bows of the helm inclines To the win’urd lurch of the fok’sail guns, | The look-out boy at the tom-cat-heads Espies on the watery waves a sail ; And the captain, as the galley he treads, Calls up all hands to reef the gale. The starboard rail blocks home are tack’d, The binnacle close-reefed round is brought x 80 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. The foretop capstan clewline’s back’d To the prow of the bobstays, there made taut, The skipper is heard from the gallant topmast, Through the close tarred helm-sheets comes the yy “Man the lee scuppers! all hands avast ! Tack spars! reef breakers! all stand by. “Let go and reef, put your galley alee, ; Take a tack in the mizzen-mast, quiék, belay !” ’Twas done, and the bulwarks once more free, Swung round till they tauten’d the main backstay. The dogwatch windlass abaft the caboose Was brought three points to the deadlight bow, And once more the ship, from the portholes loose, Flung her jib by the buntlines over her prow, Her broadside now to the mainsail lays, The grog’s served out in the spanker boom ; The breaker’s reef’d to the gang plank ways, And again the stern sheets find sea room. The thunders flash and the lightnings roar, The squall flies rushing from clew to clew; But the cat headmate goes aloft once more, To lower the wheel to the eager crew. * All hands ashore to luff the cleats!” And the lead is launched by the bardalee ; The pilot is haul’d on the fore back sheets, ' And the fok’sail glides on the slacken’d sea. Oh, dauntless crew! oh, galliant ship ! May you ever survive the loo’wrd haul! May Neptune’s figure-head bless your trip, And reefing the breakers end the squall. BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. + 3 Mechanical Power—Retarded Motion. AN ARKANSAS “NOATIS,” In a recent tour through one of the wildest and most sparsely-settled regions of Arkansas (says a cor- respondent of a New York paper), I arrived at the ferry on the Cache River. A little log-house grocery -stood on the near bank, about fifteen steps from where the flat lay tied to a snag in the edge of the water. Several bear-skins, deer-skins, and coon-skins were nailed «p to dry against the walls of the groce- ty, but the door was closed, andno bar-keeper, ferry- man, or othcr person was in sight. I hallooed at the top of my voice some half a dozen times, but no One answered. eecing an advertisement on the door, T read as follows: “ Noatis.— Ef enny boddy cums hear arter licker, or to get Akross the River, They can ges blo This here 82 BEADLE’S DIMH BOOK OF FUN. Horne, and ef i don’t cum when my wife Betsey up at the House heares the Horne a bloin shele cum down an sell the licker or set em Akross the River ime gonine a Fishin no credita whem ime away from Hoeme john wilson N B. them that cant rede will heve to go too the houes arter Betsey tant but half a. mile thar.” Tn obedience to the “ Noatis,” Itook the blowing horn, which stuck in a crack of the wall close by the ' door; I gave it a “toot” or two, which reverberated far round through cane and swamp, and in a few minutes was answered by a voice scarcely less loud and reverberating than that of the horn—it seemed to be about half a mile up the river—and in about fifteen minutes a stalwart female made her appearance, and asked if I wanted “licker.” “No, madam ; I wanttocrossthe river, if you please.” “Don’t ye want some licker fust ?” “No, madam—don’t drink—never touch liquor.” “Never tech licker? Why, then; you must be a preacher, an’t you?” “No, madam, I’m only ason of temperance. I wish to get across the river, if you please—do you row the boat ?” “Oh, yes; Ican take ye over in less than no time. Fetch up yer hoss.” I obeyed, asking, as I led the horse into the boat, “Did your husband write that advertisement on the door there ?” ; “No, sir-ce! Schoolmaster Jones writ that. John hain’t got no Jarnin !” And the good woman rowed the boat safely across the ugly stream; and handing her the ferriage fee, I bade her good morning believing then (as I still do) that she was one of the happiest women and best wives I ever saw, perfectly contended with her lot, because she knew no better, | BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN, _ 83 Medicine—Comparative Anatomy. MU-LASSES BY MEASURE. “Good morning, Mr. Perkins; have you sone excellent mu-lasses ?” : ““No, ma’am, our excellent mulasses are all out, but we have some fine old St. Flamingo, some New Orleen, some West Engine, and a sort of mu-lasses which is made from maple suger, and which we call seeryup.” ; “Want to know, Mr. Perkins, if this seeryup is acterly made from maple sugar.” “JT pledge you my word of honor, Mrs. ornby, that it is acterly made from the ginuine bird’s cye maple suger.” ; “Then, Mr. Perkins, I shall not interrogatory any more, but without further circumlocution, proceed to purchase half a pound of seeryup.” ° 84 “ BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. j » “Beg pardon, Mrs. Hornby, we don’t sell it by weight, but by measure.” “Oh! by muicasure? thenI will take half a yard !” / WERRY REDICKLUS. A Western man, whose wife and nine children were murdered by the Indians one day during his absence, on his return sat deeply affected, but silent, among the corpses, until a neighbor, by speaking ten- derly to him of his great loss, produced an outburst of fecling, “ Yes,” he exclaimed, making up his face for “a cry’—“ Yes, it are the most redicklus thing that ever happened to me in all my life.” DOWN ON THE IRISH. A friend of ours, who has a particular aversion to Hibernian Biddies, recently put the following adver- tisement in the Herald. He wanted a new girl, and did not like to make invidious mention of the Irish name: WANTED ina gentleman’s family—as cook, washer, and ironer—a German, Hungarian, Russian, French, Swedish, Italian, Bohemian, Finnish, Circassian, Armenian, Swiss, Scotch, Spanish, Turkish, Grecian, Austrian, Norwegian, Kamschatkan, African, Malay, - Hottentot, Prussian, English, American, Icelandic, Dutch, Portuguese, Corsican, Australian, or Egyptian girl. None other need apply. A western editor says that “a child was run over by. a wagon three years old, and cross-eyed, with pan- talets on, which never spoke afterward.” 4 7 ° BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. 835 Mechanical Power—The Wheel and Axle. A WONDERFUL LIAR. An Englishman traveling on the Mississippi, told some rather tough stories about London thieves A Cincinnati chap named Case heard these narratives with a silent but expressive humph, and then re. marked that he thought the Western thieves beat the London operators all hollow. “How so?” inquired the Englishman, with sur: prise. ‘Pray, sir, have youlived much in the West?” “Not a great deal. I undertook to set up business at the Des Moines Rapids a while ago, but the rascal- ly people’ stole nearly every thing I had, and finally ¢ Welsh miner ran off with my wife.” ~ , “Gracious!” said the Englishman, “and have you never found her ?” ’ “Never to this day. But that was not the worst of it.” 36 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. “Worst! What could be worse than stealing a man’s wife ?” ; “ Stealing his spider, I should say,” said the im- placable Case. “ Children ?” “Yes, a nigger woman, who had none of her own, abducted thy youngest daughter and sloped and joined the Injuns.” “Did you see her?” — : “See her? Yes. She hadn’t ten rods the start of me; but plunged into the lake and swam off like a duck, and there wasn’t a canoe to follow her with.” The Englishman leaned back in his chair, and called for another mug of ’alf-and-alf, while Case smoked his cigar. : “T shan’t go any further West, I think,” at length observed the excited John Bull. “T should not advise any one to go,” said Case, quietly. “My brother once lived there, but he had to leave, although his business was the best in the country.” “What business was he in, pray ?” “ Lumbering—had a saw-mill.” “ And they stole his lumber ?” “Yes, and bis saw-logs, too.” : “Saw-logs !” t _ “Yes; whole dozens of black-walnut Togs were spirited off or carried away in a single night. , True, upon my honor, sir. He tried every way to prevent it; had men hired to watch his logs, but it was no use. They would whip them away as easily as if there had been nobody there. They would steal them out of the cove and even out of the railways.” “ Good gracious!” “ Just to give you an idea hew they steal out there,” a sa. | ai | lee. BEADLE‘S DIME BOCK~ OF FUN. Natural Rhilqsophyr-Repyision,, tending a sly wink to the listening company, “just to give you anidea—did yonever work ina saw-mill?” i “ Never. ” “Well, one day, my brother bought an. all- fired fine black-walnut log,—four feet three at the butt, and not & knot in it. He was cetermined to keep that-log anyhow, and hired: two canny Scotchmen to watch it all night. Well, they took a small pemijohn of whis- key with them, snaked the log up ‘the side of the hill above the mill, built a fire, and! then sat down to play keerds, just to keep them awake, you sec, ’Twasa monstrous big log—bark two inches thick.. Well, as I was sayiag, they played keerds and drank whiskey all night, and as it began to grow light, went a-strad- dle of the log, A minute after daylight George went ever to the mill to see how they were getting qm, and the log wsa gone!” 33 SBEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. “What were the Scotchmen doing ?” : “Sitting on the bark. The thieves had drove an iron wedge into the butt-end, which pointed down hill, and hitched a yoke of oxen on and pulled it right out, leaving the shell, and the Scotchers sitting a-straddle of it, fast asleep !” _ The Englishman here rose, dropped his cigar stump into the spittoon, looked at his watch, and said he thought he’d go on deck and see how far we'd be down the river before morning. SELLING AN OFFICER. Not a bad joke is told of one of the New York night inspectors. It happened a few evenings since, shortly after the wharf watch was set, that a plain- looking countryman was seen to leave a brig lying at pier No. 6, with a suspicious-looking bundle in his hands. It was a large package and a heavy one, and the stranger tugged along. slowly up the pier with it, and turned the corner, sweating under his load. “Aha! my fine fellow,” ejaculated the lynx-eyed inspector—a sharp-set official by the way; “aha! I’ve got you this time!” and approaching the countryman, he said: “Good evening. Let me relieve you of that load, my friend.” “Eh,” responded the man uneasily. “Pll take that bundle, if you please. “4d “Thank you.” “It's heavy, isn’t it?’ said the oftcer. “Yaas, Which way you goin’, nabur ?” “Oome along—it’s all right; Pll take care of this+ conge on!” | | BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN, Fine Arts—Drawing. “ Edzactly—much obliged. It’s tarnal heavy, an’ I’ve got to get itp to the Howard House.” “Come along,” continued the officer, knowingly ; “we'll see about that!” and in a few minutes: they reached the Howard; when the stranger observed that the inspector had no idea of haltin. “Hollo! which way, friend? I’m stopping here.” faid the countryman. “Tt’s no matter, I’ve seized this property, and you _ ¢an explain matters at the Custom-House to-mor- row,” continued the shrewd inspector. “Luk here, friend! Not tew fast, if yew please. Pye paid my dooties on that ere lot o’ goods, Jest you look at this neow,” and he drew forth a bit of paper from his vest pocket, signed by the Collector. “Why, you scamp!” said the inspector, “this is a 40 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. permit for your goods! Why didn’t you show this before ?” “Why, in the fust place, you didn’t ask me tew; and, in the next place, ef I had, you’d seen me break my back afore you'd ha’ bro’t that bundle~clear up here for me, I know!” The inspector blowed his nose, and, cursing the countryman fora fool, turned down Pine-street in- stanter, to resume his lonely round, The stranger put his parcel in the charge of the servant, and grinned a/ghastly grin, as the over-zealous watchman departed. ‘ RAISING THUNDER WITH THE “WACKS WORX.” The following is letter written by Artemus Ward, from his seclusion in the bosom of his family, and contains a touching reminiscence of a former “ bender” : “Hear in'the Buzzum of my famerly i am enjoyin myself, at. peas with awl mankind and the wimmin folks likewize. I go down to the villiage ockashunly and take a little old Rye fur the stummucks' sake, but i avoid spiritus’ lickers as a gineral thing: No man evir seen me intossikated but onct and that air hap- pind i Pittsburg. A parsel of onery cusses in that mizzerable sity busted inter the hawl, durin the nite and aboosed my wax works shamful. I dident ob- sarve the outrajus transachuns ountil’ the next evenin when the peple begun for to kongrezate. Saddinly they kommenced fur two larf and holler in a boyste- rious stile. Sez i good peple whats up? Sex thay thems grate wax works isnt they old'man ?' I immejit ly looked up ter where the wax works was and my ’ blud biles as i think of the site which then met my / BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. 41 Law—Entailed Property. Gaze. I hope two be dodrabbertid if them afoursed rascals hadn’t gone and put a old kayed in hat onter George Washington’s hed and shuvd a short black klay pipe inter his mouth. His nose they had paint- ed red and his trowsis legs they had shuvd inside his butes, “My wax figger of Napoleong Boncypart was like- wise maultreatid, his sword was danglin tween his legs, his cocked hat was drawn klean down over his ize and he was plased in a stoopin posishun lookin zactly as tho he was as drunk as a biled owl. Gineral Taylor was standin on his hed and Wingfield Skott’s koat tales ware pined over his head and lis trowsis ware compleetly torn orf frum hisself/ My wax works representin the Lords Last Supper was likewise aboozed, Three of the Postles ware under the table 42 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. and two of um had on old tarpowlin hats and ragged pee jackits and ware-smokin pipes. Judus Iskarriot had on a cocked hat and was apparently drinkin at a bottle of whiskey sot befor him. This ere spectercal was too much fur me. i klosed the show and then drownded my sorrers in the flowin Bole. “Probly ile rite you agin befour i take my depar- ture on the Summer kampain. ’ Very respectfully Yures, ArtEMus Warp, T. K. DAD MORTON'S WAY OF RAISING CHICK- ENS BY THE BARREL-FULL: “T tell ye, (said Old Dad Morton,) them ancestors of ourn didn’t do nothin’ halfway. But, there’s an awful fallin’ off sence them times. Why, in my time, when I was a boy, things went on more economical than ~ now. We all worked. My work was to take care of the ‘hens and chickings (Dad is fanious for his handling of the alphabet), and I'll tell yer how I raised ‘em. You know I’se a very thinkin’ child, al’as a thinkin’ ’cept when I’se asleep. Well, it come on me one night to raise a big lot of chickings from one hen; and [ll tell ye how I did it. I took an old whiskey barrel and filled it with fresh eggs, and then put it on the south side of the barn, with some dung and ma- - nure around it, and then set the old hen on the bung- ‘hole. The old critter kept her sittin, and in three weeks I heard a little ‘peep.’ Then I put my ear to the spiggot, when the peeping growed like a swarm of bees. I didn’t say any thing to the folks about the hatchin’, for thev’d all the time told me I was a fool, but the next morning I knocked the head out of the barrel, and covered the barn floor, two deep, all over, BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN, Phrenology—Adhesiveness. with lit 2 chickings, Now, you may laugh as much as you , Jease, but it’s true,” HER SHARE OF LETTERS. There is a new town out in the North-West, called Barton (contract of Beartown). At this point a post- “office has been established; the route extends some distance beyond, and there are several offices further on. Soon after the establishment of the office at Barton, the postmasters beyond began to be troubled by a strange irregularity in the mails. This week one thing would be missing, the next week some other package be non est; and quite often letters for B. would have to be sent back. This state of affairs became unendurable, and Agent Hall was sent on to 44 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN, investigate the matter. He went straight to Barton, where he found the post-office in the back room of a little grocery. It was about time for the mail to ar- xive, and he took a seat in the grocery, where a plump and good-natured woman, well in years, and possessed of a “rich brogue.” attended behind the counter dealing out small quantities of beer, cheese, cakes, peanuts, ete. ete. to a company of loungers, vho seemed to wait for some event. Hall bought a quantity of peanuts, and treated the crowd to beer, by which course he succeeded in re- moving all suspicions which his decent a crea- ted against him. Soon the stage drove up, the small bag was thrown out; the lady picked it up, and retreated to the back zoom, followet by the crowd—including Hall, who blocked up the door. After opening the bag, and turning its contents on the floor, the postmistress produced a box, and delib- erately proceeded to measure out a peck of miscel- laneous matter from the pile on the floor, Having done this, she commenced returning tne rest, when Hall found his tongue. “Why, what are you doing there ?” he contriyed to stammer out. “Tndade,” said the postmistress, looking up “it's changing the mail that IT am.” “But how do you know that you get, the right matter? Why don’t you look it oyer and select your own ?” “Faith an’ it’s a fool’s job you'd be afther havin’ me do,” replied her leddyship. “I can’t read niver a blessed bit of ritin’, and when my son Jim (he’s had school ae isn't. here I jest measures out about. our sheer, an’ we divides em.” BEADLE’S DIME “BOOK ‘OF FUN. ZZ Literature—A Chinese Tail. __ Wett ANswrrep.—An Trish veterinary student being asked, when under examination, what he would recommend if there was a horse brought to him with a particular disease, replied, “Oth, by the powers, Pd recommend the owner to get rid of him immedi- ately.” Dipn’r Count ON mat. —* How are you, count ?” said a wag to a spruce-looking specimen of the genuine snob. b “Sir,” exclaimed the indignant swell, “who are you, and why do you call me a count?” _ “Why, I saw you counting oysters in New York 1ast week, and I supposed you were of royal blood,” said the wag. Snob vame sed. BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN, “AND THO I LET HIM.” the manifestation right, to kiss her. eyed him keenly. fun. T asked, in a pleasant manner. T let him.” our little hero and heroine blushed deeply. ¢ . A school-teacher relates the following amusing in- cident. One day I saw a little fellow. with his arms around a witch of a girl, endeavoring, if I interpreted “Tommy,” said I, “what are you doing there ?” “ Nothing, sir,” spoke the bright-eyed little witch ; “he wath trying to kith me, that he wath, ther,” and - “Why, Lucy, what prompted him so ungentleman- ly, right ‘here in school ?” I asked, anticipating some “Oh, he hitched up here and wanted me to kith him, and TI told him I wouldn’t kith sucha thathy boy ath he ith; then he thed he'd kith me, and I told him he darthn’t; but he thed he would do it, and I told him I would tell the mather, if he did, but he thed he didn’t care a thump for the mather, and then he tried to kith me hard ;” and the little thing sighed. “Why didn’t you tell me as soon as you could?” “Oh,” she replied, with a naivete, I did not often see, “I didn’t caze much if he did kith me, and tho Here the whole school, which had been listening ' attentively, broke out into an uproarous laugh, while good, 3 reader.) ; . uw Kiss—A kiss, says an ingenuous authority, is like the Creation, because it is of nothing, andis very Ah! if it was only a little more like the Creation, and lasted six days /—(Observation by our enthusiastic BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. 47 Mathematics—Subtraction. NEVER RETRACT. _ A distinguished editor was in his study. A long, thin, ghostly-visaged individual was announced. With an asthmatic voice, but in a tone of stupid civility, for otherwise the editor would have assuredly trans- fixed him with a fiery paragraph the next morning— the stranger said : “Sir, your journal of yesterday contained false in- _ formation.” “Impossible, sir; but what do you allude to?” “You said that Mr. M——had been tried.” “ True.” “ Condemned.” — “Very true.” “ Hung.” BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. “ Yes. ” “Now, sir, I am that gentleman.” = Tmpossible. » “T assure you it is.a fact, and now I hope you will contradict what you have alleged.” “ By no means.” “You are deranged.” : “T may be, sir, but I will not take it back.” “TY will complain to a magistrate.” “As you please, but I never retract. The most I can do for you is to announce that the rope broke, and that you are now in perfect health, I have my principles; I never retract.” FORGETTING NAMES. We have a very uncertain and unreliable memory _ofnames. Meeting two fricnds the other day—stran- gers to each other—whom we wished to introduce, we could not, had it been to save our editorial exist- ence, remember their names! And those names are just as common as Smith and Jones. A rather awk- ward position for all parties. A friend of ours once went ‘to-¢all upon a young lady, whose name entirely vanished from his memory, the moment the servant opened the door. “Ts—is—Miss—Frank Robinson’s cousin in?” said he, coughing and scraping. A young man who went to be married forgot his own name at the most important part; and the cere- mony had to be delayed until he could remember it. Fancy him whispering, affrighted, to the young lady— “What is it, Sarah? Oh! I remember—Thomas !” The following case is authentic: A gentleman of our acquaintance in W+— met a young fellow a day or two after the ceremony had taken place. BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. 49 Medicine—Hy-drop athy. “So, Tite, they say you have been getting mar. * ried ” “So they say,” responded Tite. “Who did you marry, Tite ?” “Why, I married Miss—Miss—oh, a girl on the hilt here !” said Tite. re A “hogs” doctor in Olean made a bet of twenty. “ dollars that he could remove from any horse any thing that nature had not placed on the beast—mean. ing ringbone, spavin, etc. A wag took the bet, showed him a mortgage for one hundred and fifty dollars on a favorite horse, and pocketed the twe- dollars. € BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. HOW TO MAKE MELTED BUTTER, Some of the country storekeepers in the far West are very fond of practical jokes, and having a bit of fun. Old Joe Jarvis, who kept a small grocery in a town in Indiana, was noted for this propensity. One cold winter's evening a man named Syle came to make some small purchases, and while Jarvis’ back was turned, took the opportunity to steal half a pound of butter, and conceal it in his hat under the impression that old Jarvis had not seen him, but he was mistaken. Jarvis had seen him, and determined to punish him in his own eccentric way; 60 just as Syle was about to leave, he rushed from behind the counter, and greeting him warmly by the hand, said: “Why, neighbor, you surely don’t think of going without something to drink, come into the back par- lor, there’s a nice warm fire there.” Syle muttered something about being in a hurry, but his remon- strance was useless, for Jarvis dragged him in, and made him sit in a large chair before a blazing fire, “Now make yourself at home—take off your hat,” siid the grinning Joe. ‘No, no,” replied Syle, “Td rather not.” About this time the butter began to slide in little drops gently down his cheeks. “Bless _ me,” exclaimed the delighted Joe; “how you do per- spire, neighbor.” “Yes, yes,” gasped Syle, as the butter was now pouring down his face. “I don’t think I'm well. I—I—I’ll go home!” and he started _ for the street like lightning. “I say, mister,” bawled out Joe, as he followed him to the door, bursting with laughter; “you can tell your wife, when you get home, how to make melted butter.” Cure vor BacnELors’ AcnEs.—Carry to the par- Son eleven yards of bran-new calico, with a nice young Woman in {¢, adruooetpd BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN, 5 Philosophy—Divisibility of Matter. AMPLE APOLOGY. They hada ball down to Waverly the other night, which brought out some remarkable expressions. Among other transpirations a cool apology took place. Bill P—— is known “all over,” and Bill was at this ball in all his glory, and the whisky was plenty and Palatable. The evening passed off rapidly, and Bill had,.at about ten o'clock, become very happy. Step- Ping up to a young lady, he requested the pleasure of dancing with her. She replied, she was engaged, on said Bill, “are you engaged for the next ae ? She said she was. “Can I dance with you the next, then . “Tam engaged for that also.” _ “Can I dance with you to-night * 52 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. “No, sir,” with some hesitancy. “Go to blazes!” said Bill, highly indignant, and turned on his heel. After a few moments, Bill is accosted by the brother of the young’ lady, and charged with having-insulted _ his sister. Bill denies, but professes himself willing \ to apologize, if he has done wrong, and accordingly steps up to the young lady, when the following con- versation ensued : “Miss L., I understand I have insulted you.” | “You have, sir.” “What did I say, Miss L ?” | “You told me to go to dlazes /” “Well,” said Bill, “I have come to tell you that you needn't go J 2 eee PRINTERS’ PUZZLE. As nobody can understand this, but the printers, and as people generally like things that are beyond their comprehension, we give place to the following in our BOOK OF FUN, satisfied beforehand that our readers will be delighted with it. Wanted, by a young lady, some one ~~ her, Post. Can’t she get the man of the Post ?—Hz. Our **1 wouldn't they cut a-——, was the ! of all oe" eae. — Chief. os The case is without |, and our devil says, the man who would refuse ~~ her don’t live in this § of the country; and if he did, he would + him, and .,.... himself to the hymeneal altar in half the time it hag taken to write this {, or put a . to his life—Zz. _ The above needs no {, and is not particularly in dined to any §, it is prevalent in the first ° every: ; . eras ccna Sat : ey a a ghecl 1 j : BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. Philoprogenitiveness. where, fot the ladies like to talk of the **, and think of ++ without an = or., and the {> or fellow that won't give them ——’s to their heart’s ccntent, ought to have his II put-out & + besides.—American Sentinel. We are sure no * in this § would refuse ~~ a lady when ? The above § J are without a || in the history of typography, and the men who indited them should be drowned in CC of ++ and tf, and have their II thrown in the quoin box by the same (@&~ (&§™ that exposed the No 0's, and attempted to puta, to their «FO —dJersey City Sentinel. Our devil says : “If it was winter time, and I could; she might call at my room. I'd like to —— her til, she saw **, and then I should like to take her 3" and gaze into her II, and 0 should prevent me from 54 BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. —-—ing into her arms.” This! startled us. He's the greatest coon for making.love and getting half CC over in this § h's == can’t be found by several °°. We will bet a $ on that, and if we lose, will £ his head for another §.—Zz. A KISS THAT DIDN'T PAY. The Toledo “ Record”. gets off a good one in re- gard to a citizen of Iowa, whose wife, in his absence, had been kissed by a drover, while giving a glass of water. When he heard of the outrage, he started at once in pursuit, found the drover after a bard day’s ride, and accused him of the theft. The drover admitted the truth of the soft impeach- ment, said he had been sometime from home, was sorely tempted and in an unguarded moment of frenzy purloined the kiss—but that he had not damaged the woman in the smallest particle—was very sorry— thought it was no matter to make a great ado about, and begged to be excused. The husband finally concluded that this was the right view of the matter, and agreed to settle it upon the receipt of five dollars for his day’s ride. This being satisfactory, the drover handed over a ten-dol- — lar bill, and received five dollarsin change. But when the aggrieved Benedict returned home and consulted his Detector, he found the bill a counterfeit. He found he had suffered the indignity of having his wife kissed by a “nasty drover,” passed one day in the saddle, and lost five dollars, and concluded it didn’t pay. “With all thy faults I love thee still,” as the man said to his wife wheo she was giving him a curtain lecture. a coal — BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. Firmness. —~/ SPECIMEN OF A LETTER FROM A BOARDING / SCHOOL MISS. “Deer Mar,—I am now being teached the spanesh langwage! which my Tuteor says I learn it with grate fasility, ive improved amasinly in the english sints ive been here! ispeak and rite the real new stile now? and my compasishons are being wery much admired among the pupils of the school, I come within won of getting the medle for bein the best eng- lish scholar, at the clothes of the last quarter, and i shood a done. it, but! Iwas Bein sick a bedd, and couldn’t attend to my studies—for a hole wee? and so I got beechyndand: by the buy, Mar! (what shokin bad english you do right?) ime ashamed to sho yewr leters co any of the missessess among my akwaintan- ~ 56 BEADLE’S DIME, BOOK OF FUN. ces for instents you.sa wile ‘the te wotter was bileing the other day eteeterah and.so forth now yew should say wile. the te wotter was bein bilte—par too? rites just as inkorrekly for instents he seys in his letter french guds are falling verry fast insted of saying french goods are bein fell. ime reeally-chocked that you and hee don’t keep paice with the march of modem improvement but ime being called this min- nit to éxcite my spanesh lesson, so i must wind orf. “T supperscribe myself your affectionate dawtur. Mrranpa MacKerrnet.” A SUFFICIENT REWARD. In France the Society for the Protection of Ani- mals does not enjoy that popular respect which it de- serves, the smali wits of the capital indulging in end-— less jokes at its expense. The last joke is to this effect: A countryman, armed with an immense club, presents himself before the president of the Society, and claims the first prize. He is asked to describe the act of humanity on which he founds his claim. “T saved the life of a wolf,” replied the country- man. “I might easily have killed him with this blud- geon, and he swings his weapon in the air to the in- tense discomfort of the president.” “But where was this wolf?” inquires -the latter, “what had he done to you?” “Te had just devoured my wife,” is the reply. The ‘president reflects an instant, and then says, “My friend, I am of opinion that'you have been sufi: ciently rewarded.” oe pag Ee ? es BHADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN; 5? Watchfulness. ASKING LEAVE TO GAPE. The. New Haven Register tells this good one: A few nights since, owing to an accident, the Spring- field train did not reach Hartford until late, and in consequence, those awaiting its arrival at the station, had a tedious time of it. Among them was a demure- looking Yankee, inclined to have a nap—fixing his feet on the upper round of his chair, he leaned back against the wall, and “went at it.’ He was not fair- ly under way, however, when he was tapped on the hat by one of the officials, and told that “sitting up sleeping was not allowed in the depot.” * “Eh!” ejaculated the astonished sleeper, “no sit- ting up and sleeping ?” “No, sir—agin the rules of the company,” said’ the official 58: BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. “Well, I declare,” replied the other, “this is a mean place! Won't you ask the company if I mayn’t gape;” following up his query with a “stretch” that put the officious official to instant flight. DECIDEDLY DUTCH. ' An old Dutch farmer, just arrived at the dignity of Justice of the Peace, had his first case of marriage. He did it up in this way. He first said to the man: “Vell, you vants to be marrit, do you? Vell, you lovesh dis voman so goot as any yoman you have ever seen ?” ‘ “Yes,” answered the man. Then to the woman: “Vell, do you love dis man so betterish goot as any man you have ever seen ?” She hesitated a little, and he repeated. “Vell, vell, does you like him so vell-ash to be his vife ?” “Yes, yes,” she answered. “Vell, dat ish all any reasonable man could expect. So you ish marrit. I pronounce you man and vife.” The man asked the Justice what was to pay. “Nothing at all, nothing at all. You are velcome, if it do you any goot,” TELEGRAPHIC.—Two Irishmen were recently look- . ing at a knot of people stretching a rope across the street from one housetop to another, for the suspen- sion of a banner. Pat—“Shure, an’ what will they be after doin’ at the tops of thcm houses ?” Mike~~“ Fix, an’ it’s a submarine telegraph they’re puttin’ up, [ am thinkin’.” eine oy BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. 59 Alimentiveness. EDDICATION. Two men up in New Hampshire went a-fishing. One was totally ignorant of figures, the other, prob- ably, had been to the “ Rule of Three.” After catch- ing a large quantity of the finny tribe, they proposed to divide them and return. In counting them it was found they had forty-nine, hickory shad (a small fish, very full of bones, and worthless) and one large, fine, fat bass. The were puzzled to know how to divide them, as both wanted the bass. After a while a hap- py thought struck the man of figures, and he told his companion he would divide them according to the rules of arithmetic, which proposition was readily agreed to. He then, with pencit and paper, and. with a knowing look, commenced, “Twice five is ten. ‘Five times ten is fifty. Forty-nine from fifty leaves BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF FUN. 60 : j one ;” and with an astonished gaze said to his com- panion, “The bass is mine.” The other, picking up thing it is to have a little eddication !” COUNTRY ON THE BALLET, Two unsophisticated country lasses visited Niblo’s during the ballet season. When the shorts-kirted gossamer-clad nymphs made their appearance on the stage they became restless and fidgety. “Oh, Annie,” exclaimed. one, sotto voce. “Well, Mary.” “It ain’t nice. I don’t like it.” “Hush, the folks will notice you.” “IT don’t care, it ain’t nice, and I won- der aunt brought us to such a place.” After one or two flings and a pirouette, the blushing Mary said, “ Oh, Annie, let’s go; it ain’t nice and I don’t feel comfort- able.” “Do hush, Mary,” replied the sister, whose own face was scarlet, though it wore an air of deter- mination ; “it is the first time I ever was at a theater, and I suppose it will be the last, so Jam just going to stay it out if they dance every rag off their backs.” — @